We don't have the same relationship with all of our friends.
Some of our friends we love as much, or even more, than some of our family.
Other friends we have a slightly more complicated relationship with, but still enjoy spending time with and are grateful to have them be a part of our lives.
Then there are those unfortunate situations when someone views us as a friend, but we don't reciprocate their feelings.
Mainly because they only want to be friends with us for their own convenience.
Redditor DroidFit3625 so impressed the mother of one of her daughter's schoolmates with a recent project that she asked the OP to complete another one for her own daughter.
When the OP told her that she didn't have time for that, this supposed "friend" was unwilling to take no for an answer.
After eventually being cussed out by this fellow mother, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for refusing to make a birthday cake for my daughter's friend?"
The OP explained why they found themselves at odds with a fellow mother:
"I (33 F[emale]) work a stressful and demanding job with long hours."
"Even when I'm done with my work day, I am still technically on-call so I treasure my free time."
"In my college days, I used to work at a bakery part time to pay for school and picked up some cake decoration skills from the confectioner."
"I quit the job when I graduated but have made some elaborate cakes once in a while in the years since, mainly for my partner or other family and friends."
"I lean heavily into my engineering background to make them one of a kind but a major reason they come out so well is because I make them out of love and with the person they're intended for in mind."
"A few months ago, it was my daughter's (4 F) birthday and we had a birthday party for her where we invited some of her preschool friends and their parents."
"My daughter has been obsessed with Rapunzel and for her birthday, she asked me to make her a Rapunzel cake with a tower."
"I took a week off of work and made an amazing cake."
"My daughter was incredibly happy and it was the talk of her friends circle for a while after as well."
"Last week, I was picking up my daughter from school when I ran into one of moms (we'll call her Aly) that was at my daughter's party."
"I had spoken to her briefly at the party but that was my only interaction with her."
"She told me her daughter, Kara (4 F), loved the cake I made for my daughter and since her birthday is coming in a few days, she has repeatedly insisted on having a similar cake for her birthday."
"She asked me if I would be willing to make a cake for Kara as well."
"I told her it took me a lot of time and effort to make the cake for my daughter and I am not sure I could accommodate it."
"She kept insisting, wouldn't take no for an answer, and I was running late so I told her I'll think about it and let her know."
"She took down my number before I left."
"Later that evening, I asked my daughter if Kara is a close friend since I hadn't heard about her more than a handful of times."
"She said Kara is bossy and she doesn't like her but she's friends with her best friend."
"I decided it wasn't worth the hassle and texted Aly to let me know I can't do it because of my schedule."
"She replied saying she would really like me to do it and it would make her daughter very happy, and that she was willing to pay me for it as well. I told her I understand but that it wasn't about the money so much as it was about the time and effort involved, and I'd be happy to recommend some excellent bakeries in the area that could make a custom cake for her daughter."
"She said that I had managed to find the time to make it for my daughter and surely I can find some for Kara as well."
"I was miffed by now and I told her that isn't for her to decide and that I'm just not interested in doing it or continuing the conversation."
"She devolved into cussing me out and told me I was being an AH by not thinking of her daughter's happiness."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to make a cake for Kara.
Everyone agreed that Kara's mother was being beyond ridiculous, with many feeling it was pretty clear where Kara got her bossy behavior from:
"'She said Kara is bossy and she doesn't like her but she's friends with her best friend'."
"NTA."
"Based on this woman's insistence that you have the time to bake an elaborate birthday cake for her daughter, some behaviors are learned and that little acorn did not fall far from the tree."-quincebush
"NTA."
"Send her a quote for what you make in a week on top of a standard rate for a cake of the size and complexity she wants."
"And charge her an inconvenience fee as well since this could impact your job."
"Also, easy to see where Kara gets her attitude from."- Current_Echo3140
"NTA."
"HER daughter's happiness is not your responsibility."
"You told her you didn't have the time and offered to recommend some bakeries, and she got snarky with you."
"You may have dodged a bullet here; if you made one for Kara, you might have had entitled moms popping out of the woodwork demanding that you make a cake for little Snotfuss or little Reebeckhah."
"No means no."- CrazyOldBag
"F*ck her and the horse she rode in on."
"NTA."- CauseCausit
"Holy buckets."
"NTA."
"To insinuate that you're wrong for 'finding the time' for your own daughter, but not a child you've barely met just set me over the edge."- lopingwolf
"NTA."
"The idea that you find time to do things for your kid but not random other kids shouldn't be surprising."
"This woman is a taker and I would stay away."- Superb_Drop1313
"NTA."
"It's pretty common for a parent to put extra time/effort into their own child versus another's."
"Even if you weren't super busy you'd still have every right to say no."- Pandawithoutpride
"NTA."
"If she's so concerned about her daughter's happiness, SHE can take a week off work and bake it HERSELF!!"- MonkeyMom2
"NTA."
"I'm starting to think that she asked around and found out a cake like the one you made are very expensive and thought maybe trying to get you to do it she could pay you less."
"Sounds like she doesn't want to pay the cost to find or work to find a bakery to make that type of cake and she doesn't want to deal with her kids tantrum or meltdown when she doesn't get said cake."
"It's ludicrous that she thinks making time to do something for her kid is equivalent to you making time for your own kid."- Ok-Aspect-8582
"Holy entitlement Batman!"
"Keep all these texts!"
"If Aly starts badmouthing you, post them or share them for everyone to see."
"NTA."- mama_d63
"Well we know where Kara gets it from now."
"NTA."- Defiant_Blueberry_44
"NTA."
"'Your daughter's happiness isn't my concern or responsibility'."
"'Since you can't seem to take no for an answer and are harassing me about this matter, I will be blocking your number'."
"And then block her number."- Disastrous-Nail-640
"Imagine a stranger thinking you should put the same amount of effort into their kid, as you do your own."
"Some parents don't realise their children aren't universally adored by randomers."
"NTA in the slightest."- Awkward_Pen7680
"I can see where the woman's daughter gets her bossy attitude."
"You should have just stopped texting this woman after your second explanation of no."
"NTA."- Intelcourier
"NTA."
"Send her a photo of the cake so she can get a local bakery to make it."
"It'll be a zillion dollars."
"I'm offended on your behalf that she only offered to pay you once you said no initially."- km4098
It's one thing for Kara's mother to ask if the OP could make a cake for her.
It's quite another to demand and expect the OP to do so, let alone guilt-trip her when she didn't get her way.
It's safe to say that Kara is NEVER going to taste one of the OP's cakes ever again.
As her chances of being invited to the OP's daughter's birthday next year seem slim to none.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp