There are longtime married couples who happily don’t cohabitate.
Usually, the result of careers in divergent fields or a desire to maintain their personal space, a happy, successful marriage doesn’t require sharing a home.
Perhaps more couples should explore this avenue if the number of conflicts over the division of household labor is any indication.
A husband who is tired of cleaning up after his wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Josconn asked:
“AITA I’ve stopped cleaning to make a point?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For context, my wife and I are in our mid-20s and have been married for 8 years (yes, we got married young). We both work full-time.”
“We were both military at one point. For pretty much the entire time we’ve lived together, I’ve done the majority of the cleaning.”
“I’d estimate around 90 percent. That includes dishes, laundry, vacuuming, the bathroom, organizing, trash, basically everything.”
“I’m not saying she does absolutely nothing when it comes to other life stresses, when it comes to other stuff it’s close to 50/50, except for bills and finance. But cleaning and house maintenance is always me. That’s what is so stressful.”
“Laundry is definitely bad for her. She will let the clothes stack 4 feet high and not do it for a month to two months. She’ll also make random clothes piles throughout the house and let them sit indefinitely until I pick them up.”
“I also take care of all the mowing and lawn maintenance. So, it’s not just the inside of the house. It’s the outside too.”
“What makes it even more frustrating is that most of the cleaning I do involves picking up after her. I tend to clean up after myself right away, so I’m rarely dealing with my own mess. That means the cleaning I do takes even longer, because I’m essentially handling two people’s responsibilities.”
“I want to be clear that I’m not some neat freak. I don’t mind the house being lived in. I’m not looking for perfection. However, I draw the line when clothes start to stack up, food is left out, trash in random spots, dishes piling up not even rinsed (Things that start to attract bugs).”
“You should see our closet. I absolutely hate how big of a house we bought, because I feel like it enabled her to do these things even more. Our previous house was much smaller, so it wasn’t AS bad because she couldn’t get away with as much.”
“Our walk-in closet is huge, and she has SO MANY clothes. Enough where she can go a month or two without doing laundry.”
“I’ve brought this up many times over the years. She always gets defensive and says she cleans just as much as me (this part does anger me a bit). I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, but I’m burned out.”
“So, I stopped. I’m still taking care of my own stuff, but I’m no longer cleaning up after her. It’s been about 3 days, and the house is already getting pretty messy. She hasn’t said anything, but I know she’s noticed.”
“I’m not trying to be passive-aggressive or start a fight. I just want the imbalance to be visible so we can actually address it in a meaningful way.”
“I’m hoping it will help show her in ‘physical terms’ instead of me saying it to her.”
“I’m really hoping it will come down to a healthy resolution, and we both can do it together. But I’m afraid of now having to spend a whole weekend cleaning.”
“AITA for doing this?”
“I’m just so exhausted at this point. If the cleaning issue was gone, our relationship would be perfect in every way. She really is my best friend.”
“She was diagnosed with BPD years ago but has been on meds and is doing MUCH better. Not sure if that can cause situations like this.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I stopped cleaning the house due to being burnt out. I’m not sure if it is the right way to go about things, but I’ve tried everything else.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Sometimes, the best way to show someone how lopsided things are is to demonstrate very practically exactly that.”
“I’ve gone on a cleaning strike before, and it only took one week for my family to realize how much I was doing and how much of a mess they were leaving for me.”
“Things changed after that.”
“When she asks you why the house is so messy, you can honestly say that you’ve been picking up after yourself…it wouldn’t be messy if she did the same.”
“I just want to add here that this strategy likely will not work well if ADD/ADHD is involved.” ~ IamIrene
“The other side is, often, the mess doesn’t bother them, and you’ll just end up more frustrated and with more to clean once you finally break.” ~ flyinb11
“I agree with the NTA votes, though I also think being explicit about your choice and the cause is critical. You sound burned out.”
“However, I think there’s a distinct possibility that you are about to discover that your wife doesn’t mind the mess nearly as much as you do, which means nothing changes.”
“You’re about to have a decision to make about how much you yourself are willing to deal with for a clean home. I hope I’m wrong and that this is a success for you.” ~ Fierywordess
“Your wife not doing laundry for a month is lazy. She is fine living in a mess and blaming you. Has she always been emotionally immature and lazy?” ~ HedyHarlowe
“NTA. You aren’t responsible for her messes. She is. This reminds me of when my nephew moved in with me to go to college and assumed I would just pick up after him like his parents did.”
“Spoiler: I did not. After many arguments about it, I told him any time you leave your crap out or don’t clean your dishes, it’s all going to be dropped on your bed. He didn’t believe me, but then came home one day to his dirty dishes on his bed, covered by dirty clothes that he decided to drop everywhere that morning as he rushed out of the house.”
“He was pissed. I simply said, ‘Consequences of your own actions, Buddy, you’ll come home to that every day if you don’t shape up’. He sulked for a few days, but started cleaning up after himself.”
“You don’t have a wife. You have a sullen, entitled child. It won’t change until it becomes an issue FOR HER. She’s perfectly happy living in her own filth.”
“So, don’t do her laundry, don’t clean up after her. put it all somewhere that makes it inconvenient to her.” ~ Pretty-Scientist-848
“I did something similar to this with a roommate in college. I tried several ways to keep the sink area neat. Like, I had everyone’s names written on a silicone section to put their dirty dishes if they didn’t want to wash them right away—stuff like that.”
“We needed the sink empty to use and to fill our water filter often. Especially since it was a small sink—it got full quick with 4 girls living there.”
“Well, there was one particular roommate who would never do her dishes, and she refused to use any of the systems I attempted to keep the sink clear. So I left them on her bed one day.”
“It was a lot. She was mad. Well, I told her I’m not her mama, and she better do her damn dishes. She didn’t have a problem after that.” ~ AlternativeUnique967
“You have enabled her for 8 years. So, it will take time for rules to change now. Good luck.” ~ Fun_Ideal_5584
“NTA. Equality is key in a relationship. Everyone should clean up their own mess, not just physically, but metaphorically too.” ~ MindlessCable3386
The OP later added some general responses and his plans to address this issue with his wife:
“I want to start by saying I really appreciate all the responses. I’ve been reading through them and genuinely considering the advice shared. I thought it might help to give a bit more background.”
“Personally, I feel like her parents have enabled some of these habits. It’s been frustrating at times. Growing up, I had chore lists from a young age. When I was home during the summer, the house was cleaned every day. I think that routine helped teach me responsibility. My wife, on the other hand, was never held to anything like that.”
“I’ve seen a lot of comments suggesting a chore list, and I’m planning to give that a try with her. We’ll see how it goes.”
“Lastly, I’ve noticed several people mentioning the possibility of ADHD. I’ll admit I don’t know much about it, since I’ve never been around someone who has it. But I do plan to bring it up with her and ask if it’s something she’s ever considered.”
Maybe this is a couple that could benefit from living apart…