When visiting others' homes, we might often notice things that are not to our tastes or preferences.
Or, even worse, things that leave us uncomfortable or unsettled.
As this isn't our home, we usually do our best to ignore the offending item and keep our words to ourselves.
For some people, unfortunately, that simply isn't possible.
Redditor CameraInTheSea recently purchased an item for their home after seeing how much it pleased their wife.
Unfortunately, when the original poster (OP)'s parents' came to visit, their mother had a highly negative reaction to this addition.
While the OP's father made several requests to move or cover it, the OP refused.
After being scolded by their father, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not removing a statue from the backyard while my mom was visiting because it upsets her?"
The OP explained why a recently purchased statue put them somewhat at odds with their parents:
"My wife Cece and I live across the country from my family, so my parents have not spent a lot of time out here."
"This past Christmas mom and dad treated themselves to a trip out here for two weeks."
"A few years ago Home Depot was selling plastic statues of a folk saint called Santa Muerte."
"Cece likes her and built an outdoor altar where she leaves offerings and can hang out."
"Her mom also liked the saint, and I think this is something that connects them after her death."
"There are a lot of ideas and associations with SM."
"Drugs and bad groups have co opted her as their symbol, but she does not belong to them."
"She is a figure for weirdos and outcasts of all kinds."
"But still the bad associations do exist."
"A lot of it is media hype."
"My parents were here for a whole 2 days before Mom noticed the statue."
"When she did, she said 'Oh!' like she was scared and went back in the house."
"She kept looking nervously out the kitchen window."
"Then she asked if we could take it out and hide it because it scares her."
"I said no, that's Cece's, and it's just a statue."
"Mom had Dad ask me to move it."
"Again, I said no."
"For the rest of the trip, Mom refused to go in the back yard and wouldn't even stand near the windows where you can see it."
"She would make a big show of turning her back to the window."
"When they were leaving, my dad told me that he was disappointed in me for not caring that my poor mom felt scared the whole trip."
"I said it was rude of him to expect me to cover up something that means this much to Cece, and that it was just a statue."
"It is in no way scary to look at."
"We are also NOT a religious family."
"I was not baptized or anything and have gone to church like twice."
"I am wondering if I am the a**hole for not accommodating my mom since they came all the way out here for once."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to cover or move their statue.
While some understood and acknowledged the statue's cultural significance, everyone otherwise agreed that the OP's mother was being childish at making such a big deal out of the statue:
"NTA."
"I can see why a Santa Muerte statue could be startling, especially to non-Mexicans, Mexican cultures have a very different way of thinking about death than most Anglos do."
"But she was being dramatic, it's just a statue, and she remained 'frightened' of it for weeks?"
"That's a call for attention."
"And your dad is accustomed to catering to it."
"Your home, your decor, your shrine. If she was that frightened by a statue perhaps she should have left, or stayed in a hotel."- MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA."
"1. It's your house."
"2. Why is a grown woman afraid of a statue?"- Physical-Rabbit-3809
"NTA."
"Your house."
"Your wife uses it for her own spirituality."
"Would your mother have you hide a statue of the Buddha if your wife were Buddhist?"- srgonzo75
"NTA."
"Mom is performing and expecting you to cave in with the likely respect your elders arguments and the like."
"Stick to your guns and remind her she need no longer visit you if it upsets her so much, or she can just get over herself."- parodytx
"NTA, it's your home and your wife's home."
"Your mother was being manipulative by spending two weeks making a scene over a statue."
"Instead of asking questions and trying to learn more about the meaning to her daughter-in-law to lessen her fear, she decided to make it about her and made everyone uncomfortable."
"Additionally, your dad probably only said something because she wouldn't stop complaining to him and now he's also going to hear about all the way home and is annoyed."
"He would rather you placate your mother to keep the peace, the way he probably does, and that's not your job."- I_Have_Notes
"NTA, tell your mom to grow up shes not 12 anymore."- analogascension
"NTA."
"It's your house and your backyard."
"If it were a statue mocking your mother's religion or something, then I think it would be polite to put it away while she visited."
"But it's not."
"Your mother is being ridiculous."
"Enjoy your statue."- EvilHRLady
"NTA."
"Performative theatrics over statues is bizarre behavior for an adult."
"Usually you only see the religious zealots doing that kind of stuff."
"Tell Mom and Dad to grow up."- DropstoneTed
"NTA."
"One of my family members has one like that too."
"Anyway, the idea of hiding the statue is kind of funny — your mother would know that Santa Muerte is somewhere and she couldn't keep tabs."
"I know it could be an out of sight out of mind thing, but it's just a thought."- paul_rudds_drag_race
"NTA."
"This is not their home, it is yours, and they're violating the sanctuary by behaving this way."-Realistic-Weird-4259
"NTA."
"I would've sent them to a hotel."
"Your mom is an immature child and a rude guest."
"This is in no way rude on your part or your fault whatsoever."
"What an exhausting performance she put on."- ChiWhiteSox24
"NTA."
"It's your house that you graciously hosted them in."
"They could have stayed in a hotel."- a_girl_has_no_nameee
"NTA."
"Your parents were the AH."- k23_k23
"NTA."
"If your mom is so scared of a statue standing outside the house, that's her problem to deal with."
"She's not a five year old, and it's not like the statue is in her bedroom or whatever."
"Very silly."- Antique-Captain-2593
"NTA."
"I will never agree to having to change your home for guests."
"It's not their space, but yours and your wife's."
"I can't imagine asking my mom to take down her crosses because religious imagery bothers me."-danniperson
"NTA."
"Does your mom have a history of making what look like reasonable, but are actually very inconvenient, demands?"
"This would strike me as one of those times."
"It seems like a small ask, but it's actually an overstep."
"Your house, your rules."
"But since your mom is used to a different power dynamic between you as mother and child, she might make requests another person would feel embarrassed to do."- VictrolaBK
"NTA."
"It's your home."
"If they didn't like it then they needed to stay somewhere else."
"I think that they feel like they are still in control of you like you were a kid."
"They need to realize that you are an adult and will do things your way."- Deep-Okra1461
"NTA."
"Your house, your rules."
"If they have a problem, they can head out."- BigBellyThickThighs
"NTA."
"Perhaps the statue reminded your Mother and reinforced her fears about her own mortality."
"Asking for anything to be removed from a place that's being visited is odd to me and overly dramatic."- Sweet_Buy_4908
"NTA."
"Visitors have to respect the place they're visiting."
"You would have been ta if you've had it removed or covered."- Practical-Bunch1450
"NTA."
"your parents really need to grow up."
"While it holds no significance to you and your family, it holds significance to Cece and that's all the justification you need for it being there."
"Your parents were rude to ask after the initial no and are poor guests if your dad is going to try and lecture you about it."
"Your house, your rules."- MidsummerZania
It's understandable why the OP's mother found the statue frightening or unsettling.
Even so, as the Reddit community has pointed out, it was a statue, her child's statue.
Considering nearly all parents teach their children to face their fears and discern what is imaginary and what is real, one would think the OP's parents might have tried to lead a little bit more by example.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp