Splitting up is hard. Especially when kids are involved and one of the parties cheated.
But actions have consequences. Which means, you shouldn’t ask favors from your ex when you don’t have a good relationship.
Redditor LoreDome encountered this very issue with her ex’s daughter. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for not buying gifts for my ex’s child?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Ex and I share a 16 year old son together.”
“Six years ago he cheated on me and got the other woman pregnant and I filed for divorce. They got married straight after but broke up and then got back together.”
“Right now they are still together but their relationship is turbulent to say the least. Because of this they often find themselves in financial difficulty.”
“And their recently-turned-6-years-old daughter has suffered because of it. I am not part of her life. I never could be after he cheated.”
“My son is kind of the same.”
“He was old enough to realize that dad moving out and in with another woman who was giving him a baby sibling meant that dad had likely cheated. I put him in therapy but I never had it in me to be part of his half sister’s life even if it meant he didn’t make much of an effort to get close to her.”
OP’s ex is struggling during the pandemic.
“The last year has hit everyone hard but from what my son has said ex has been hit very hard.”
“Things went to shit in his house and he spent thousands fixing the roof, then a plumbing issue and then a broken window.”
“It was ex’s daughters 6th birthday two weekends ago.”
“Ex’s parents always took care of getting my son a gift from him to his half sister but they never really got her much. Ex emailed me about our son and dropped stuff about buying his daughter gifts into those emails (we needed to discuss medical stuff about our son).”
“I told him I would not be buying gifts when he kept dropping it in despite my ignoring him.”
“My son said his half sister got basically nothing for her birthday, nothing special anyway and she was sad.”
“My ex told me it was my fault and I should have got her something as the mom of her brother. I was venting to one of my friends about it and she said my ex is kinda right.”
“That she was the affair child and she ended up in the spot of never being as wanted as her half siblings and feeling the impact of less people making less effort.”
“AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. I really think the word “audacity” fits this situation. You’re not the kid’s momma/auntie. She’s the kid of the side piece who backstabbed a married woman.”
“You have zero responsibility to do anything other than not be mean to her kid or not block your son’s relationship with her kid. Demanding you spend YOUR MONEY to please HER kid? NO.” ~ Maleficent_Ad_3958
“Yes except I’d be more upset with my ex since it was his marriage and HE cheated. NTA.” ~ win7119
“NTA why isn’t the ex buying a gift for his son to give his half sibling. Isn’t that usually how it works? You never ask the cheated on person to buy your new kid a present. Ever.” ~ opheliasdinosaur
“Even if she wasn’t the result of an affair, expecting your ex to buy your child from your new relationship a gift is a bit too much. If the ex is willing to then okay cool. However, it shouldn’t be an expectation at all.” ~ LawyerGirl21
“My ex’s family does a secret Santa each year. I obviously always end up having to take my kids shopping for their ‘secret Santa’ gifts. I’ve had to buy gifts for my ex’s girlfriend of the moment or one of their kids if our boys drew their names.”
“At first I was annoyed, but my kids love it.”
“Would my ex ever reciprocate? Nope! Honestly NTA, you don’t morally have to do anything for this child. If you can afford it, it may help your son come to terms with things if you (as the wronged party) take him shopping for his sister’s birthday or Christmas gift.” ~ Civil-Focus-6567
“It’s the fathers responsibility to take him shopping for gifts for his side, just as it is your ex’s responsibility to take care of it for your children. Why do you always end up doing it? Because your ex don’t care enough?” ~ Mountaingoat101
Many thought the friend should’ve followed through with her opinions.
“Yeah, pretty much any other adult present here could do this, except the cheated-on partner.” ~ Ok-Statistician233
“Maybe OP’s friend who agrees with the ex should buy the kid gifts.After all, she has just as much to do with the kid as OP does.” ~ PrideofCapetown
“OP’s friend is projecting her own trauma into the situation. It sucks for an affair child when their half siblings reject them but they can’t expect the cheated on spouse to want to embrace them. That’s just not how things work.” ~ PaddyCow
“Yeah, is everyone in the ex’s family really poor? Why didn’t any of them buy the kid a present? To put responsibility on OP in this situation to be the one to buy this child a special present is bizarre at best.” ~ indi50
“Seriously, if you had to make a list of people you would go to for help with something like this ‘Ex who I cheated on’ shouldn’t make the top 100, but OP’s friend who feels bad could. NTA.” ~ DrWhoop87
“It sounds like he didn’t even get anything decent for his daughter, much less something for his son to give her.”
“I can feel bad for the girl, because that does sound like a tough spot to be in… but it’s not on OP to get her something, and her ex should spend more time thinking of ways to make his daughter feel special even if he can’t spend a lot on her instead of trying to guilt her half-brother’s mom about it.” ~ Mollyscribbles
It’s not the little girl’s fault.