Being invited to share in someone else’s celebration is usually an honor. But what if you’re not sure you’re really wanted?
What if your invitation came at the last minute?
A Redditor ruminated on that conundrum. They turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on their actions.
Redditor OppositeGrapefruit74 asked:
“AITA for deciding to not go to a friend’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have two close friends from college (let’s call them jane and bride). We don’t see each other often as we work in different cities but we kept in touch.”
“However, me and jane only found out about bride’s engagement last December when bride decided to post it on social media. This week, Bride sent us a message inviting us for her wedding which happens three weeks from now.”
“The wedding happens on a weekday (Jane and I both have work on that day). We asked why the wedding is ‘suddenly’ happening. that’s when she confessed that they’ve been engaged since August and have been planning since last year.”
“AITA for feeling like Jane and I are just ‘back up’ guests and deciding not to go?”
The OP added:
“Jane also won’t attend the wedding after hearing I won’t go.”
“*explaining ‘back up’ guests – guests you invite last minute because you still have seats to spare”
“*also my issue is not the invite itself but the fact that the engagement wasn’t exactly shared with us (I think friends are supposed to share life-changing moments with each other)”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Three weeks’ notice is not reasonable for a wedding being planned since 2020.”
“Plus pandemic. Go if you want. NTA if you don’t.” ~ Reddit
“NTA You are for sure back up guests. Which is fine if the bride would be honest about it (‘we had to have a small wedding due to xxxx and were not able to invite you. We had some cancellations and if you are free we would love to have you, no gifts required of course’).”
“I wouldn’t go either (especially now with the pandemic), especially if the bride wasn’t honest about it.” ~ EntertainmentOk6284
“This is a few steps past just not getting invited. First as close friends they weren’t even told about the engagement.”
“Next no mention of the wedding date/planning/etc. Finally when they were told, it was three weeks out and they were obviously backup invites.”
“OP and Jane weren’t notified of any part of the wedding process. Really anyone short of an acquaintance should have at least been told about the engagement.”
“OP and Jane have discovered that the relationship they had with the bride isn’t what they thought it was. That is ok, and they are taking an appropriate action after finding this out.”
“This is less about them being a backup and more about not wanting to majorly inconvenience themselves for someone that doesn’t feel they have a strong friendship anymore (middle of the week wedding on short notice for someone who doesn’t think of them as a close friend).” ~ Apoque_Brathos
“NTA . You never have to go to an event you don’t want to and you guys have work.”
“The rationale seems a little high school, but you’re entitled to your feelings.” ~ Ok_Yellow8056
“They are supposed to be close friends. Wouldn’t you be hurt if your close friend invited you as a back up guest three weeks before their wedding?” ~ WeeklyConversation8
“Not only back up guest but didn’t even know she was engaged. It’s weird to invite someone last minute to a wedding that you never told them you were engaged.”
“I have friends who have posted on social media they were engaged and getting married and asked who wanted to go. But posted immediately and asked at the same time or soon after.”
“She’s been engaged since August, they happened to see it in December and got an invite 3 weeks before. They are on the backup list for invites but not on the list to know she’s engaged? It’s weird.” ~ Safe-Calligrapher-76
“NTA. An invitation is not a summons, you’re allowed to turn down an invitation for any reason you want!”
“Sure, sometimes there’s pressure to attend if it’s a close family member, but especially for friends you don’t see very often, it’s absolutely fine to say no!”
“It’s also fine to be a little annoyed about being backup guests, but since the wedding is taking place during a pandemic, she’s probably been trying to keep the guest list super small, and maybe if she was having a more standard 100+ person wedding you would’ve been in the first round of invites.” ~ VisualCelery
“NTA. Who has a weekday wedding?”
“And invites people 3 weeks beforehand via text? Just say you have to work.” ~ CinnamonPumpkin13
“NTA. I would just say that three weeks isn’t enough time to request off and if you had known sooner you would love to attend.”
“You know the real reason and if you want to let her know you know you can deliver that as petty as you want. If you rather not go and just give her the generic explanation then do that.” ~ PeteyPorkchops
“NTA. For many this late notice would not enable them to obtain time off from their job if working.”
“Simply tell your friend that you cannot get away on such short notice.” ~ Change2001
“NTA. I’ve had my share of high school ‘friends’ that don’t like me as much as I liked them. It hurts at first, but you learn to focus on the people that actually value you.”
“It seems you are not going as revenge for the late invitation, but that kind of thinking is just poison to your heart. Instead, consider if this ‘friend’ is worth the trouble of visiting another city during a weekday.”
“If she is, then go. If she isn’t, just mention it’s a weekday, that you have your work you can’t miss – congratulate her and wish her a happy party.” ~ bervuxo
Feeling like you’re an afterthought or a seat filler is not how a friend wants to feel. For this Redditor, it was sufficient to sour them on attending their friend’s wedding.
Ultimately, people are under no obligation to go where they don’t feel wanted.