Do you only to respect a person’s privacy and their property if they’re poor?
If they can afford to replace things, does that mean their possessions are automatically available for anyone’s use and abuse?
A father doesn’t think so, but his wife and daughter do. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sea-Archer-4991 asked:
“AITA for taking unneccesary money out of my daughter’s pocket?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Basically, I have a daughter, Emily (16, female) from a previous marriage. My wife Sasha, has a son the same age, Mark (16, male).”
“Mark doesn’t stay with us that often, he prefers to stay with his bio dad. That being said, when he is here, I find Mark to be a pretty good kid, polite and respectful.”
“His dad decided to take a trip for work, in the last few weeks of school, so Mark’s here for a bit. He’s out of the house most of the time and doesn’t take up much space.”
“He does get kind of grumpy when there’s too much going on around him, especially noise, but for that, his favourite thing are these expensive noise-cancelling headphones which he almost always has with him—a present from his dad.”
“Emily’s school has already finished, so she’s home. The problem is that the room Mark is in, sometimes has miscellaneous items put in it when he’s not here.”
“Therefore Emily seems to think it’s fair game to go through his stuff.”
“It is his room, but when he’s not here for weeks/sometimes months, people will leave a couple of things in the empty space. It’s a pretty small house. We tidy and clean before he arrives, of course.”
“I’ve told her to stop, but my wife Sasha hasn’t been taking it seriously, in my opinion, saying that most of Mark’s stuff is easy to replace.”
“The big problem happened when Mark accidentally left his headphones in his room, and Emily accidentally snapped them.”
“We make sure all the stuff is out before Mark comes back. I thought she’d stopped after I reminded her there was no reason for her to be in there while Mark is here, and Sasha convinced me not to ground her for a small slip of mind.”
“I was shocked by the fact that she was still going in, let alone that she broke something of his.”
“Mark found out when he came home from school and flipped. He shouted at her, saying she was ‘spoilt, without anything to back it up’, loud enough that my wife and I heard it from the other room.”
“Sasha wanted me to calm things down, which I did, but I also told Emily she’s replacing them.”
“I was not aware that she continued to go in after the first one or two times. For now, I do think paying for the headphones is an acceptable punishment. They are not cheap, and we’re not a rich family, so she’ll be taking probably at least a month and a half to pay it back.”
“Thing is, Mark’s dad offered to have someone get him a new pair immediately, and that it wasn’t a problem. I said Emily would pay him back, and I’m sticking with it.”
“Emily and Sasha think that’s unfair since Mark’s dad can afford to buy 10 more. But I don’t think you get to break someone’s stuff and not pay for it. Those aren’t the values I was raised with or what I want for my daughter.”
“That being said, I do realise in this case it’s kind of unnecessary and there may be better ways for her to make it up to him.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I’m making my daughter pay an unnecessary amount of money as a punishment. This might make me the a**hole, as it’s not strictly helpful to anyone and it’s more about the principle.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) for making his daughter pay for the headphones, however…
“I’m sorry, but there is NO way a 16-year-old snapped headphones ‘accidentally’, especially good quality noise cancelling ones.”
“I think your daughter knew exactly what she was doing. She probably knew the importance to him, too.”
“She should pay back regardless. She should apologise sincerely, and then you ALL clean his room out and while he is not present it is LOCKED. He gets the key. NTA.” ~ Sassypants2306
“Your daughter is 16, not 6. Going into Mark’s room and going through his stuff should have been a one and done thing. After it happened once, a lock should have been put on the door and all y’all’s crap moved out.”
“Why would she take it seriously when you and your wife clearly have zero discipline for your spoiled princess?”
“Your daughter is a brat, your wife sucks as a mother, and you’re weak. ESH, except Mark. No wonder he prefers to live away from all of you.” ~ MohawMais
“Why the heck is she allowed to paw through his stuff in his room?” ~ bramley36
“My first question here was ‘Why does your wife hate her son and love your daughter?’ Like obviously she should love the daughter as well, but from this post it seems like she has a much greater affinity OPs daughter than her own son.” ~ say592
“She didn’t get as much money as she wanted in the divorce and her son is living in all that luxury she’s missing? Just a guess…” ~ Cayke_Cooky
“OP just downplayed the fact that the son has absolutely no privacy and they haven’t done anything to stop the daughter from violating his privacy. She might as well pee on his floor to mark her territory.” ~ Mundane-Currency5088
“I think OP just hasn’t clicked onto the fact that his daughter and his wife don’t want his stepson in the house. There’s a reason why the son’s mother is allowing the daughter into the room at any point she wants, and it’s also the same reason she doesn’t want the headphones to be paid for by the daughter.”
“If OP reads this, even if his wife doesn’t want her son to have a lock for his door, he should still have one installed before OPs wife starts being far crueler to her son to drive him out.” ~ Real-Accountant-3201
“Yeah the use of the word accidently was wild here.”
“You don’t accidently snap good headphones, in a room you shouldn’t be in, going through someone’s stuff you shouldn’t be touching.”
“It’s also wild to say someone accidently left their own things in their own room. Where else would they leave them?”
“Daughter needs to pay, and she needs to be required to respect son’s space. If a lock is required to force her to do so, so be it. But at her age that’s ridiculous.” ~ MonteCristo85
“Why has she not been told NOT to go into his room? This is on the adults. She needs to learn to respect boundaries, and if not, she pays for what she destroys. Of course, she knew exactly what she was doing and really thought she was going to get away with it.” ~ Ok_Resource_8530
“Mark isn’t a miscellaneous item that needs storage. I certainly wouldn’t want to spend a lot of time in a house where I have to sleep in the storage room.”
“I know it might not be feasible, but if at all possible, I’d find another place to store sh*t. Giving him a space that’s all his own would go a long way to making him feel wanted and welcome.” ~ always_unplugged
“If he’s not there often, then that’s completely fine. You don’t need to permanently dedicate a room to someone who is only there very occasionally and ‘doesn’t stay with us that often’.”
“But that does mean that they need to get it ready before he comes to stay, which means all the miscellaneous stuff gets moved elsewhere or gets packed away in the room (like in a drawer or closet).”
“It also means that while he’s there, it’s his room and nobody else accesses it without his permission.” ~ Rooney_Tuesday
“She broke them, she replaces them. Not making your children learn that lesson is a recipe for raising a sh*tty human being. NTA.” ~ Alternative-Many3523
“If you don’t touch things that don’t belong to you, then you can’t break them. Just don’t touch.” ~ EatGlassALLCAPS
“I’m shocked that you are the only person on Mark’s side here. Her paying for the headphones should be as much about PUNISHMENT as it is the need to replace them.”
“It’s sad that Sasha’s son can’t feel a sense of safety in his own Mother’s home. No wonder he doesn’t want to stay there more often!” ~ No_Glove_1575
“It’s called accountability. Just because something can be replaced easily does not mean that you shouldnt pay for it.” ~ TheLongLostBaker
“I’m a bit confused about this. Does Mark not have his own room? Whose miscellaneous items are left in his room? Why is his room used as storage space when he isn’t there? Why does Emily go through his stuff?”
“I think you should perhaps stop using Mark’s room as a storage space. It’s a bit unfair that his possessions get lumped in with your family’s unwanted stuff.”
“It also means that if your daughter is looking for something, there’s a likelihood that she might damage something that Mark owns.”
“NTA for making your daughter pay for his headphones. Just don’t expect her to be happy about it. You know how teenagers are.” ~ Reddit
“This is absurd and makes all the adults in the house massive a**holes. Why are you married to someone who allows her kid to be antagonized and won’t protect him?”
“And you’re allowing your daughter to gang up on Mark with your wife. It’s f*cking weird. You married a bully who’s turning your kid into a bully.” ~ Afraid_Sense5363
People couldn’t understand Mark’s mother treating her stepdaughter better than her own son.
It seems pretty obvious why Mark stays away weeks and months at a time.