Family recipes can be a dirty business.
People expect them to be left in wills.
While others seriously take them to the grave.
Food can cause chaos.
Case in point...
Redditor absolutirony wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"WIBTA if I told my family that our 'secret family recipe' came from the side of a can?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Growing up every year around the holidays my mom would make fudge."
"The story was this amazing fudge recipe came from her grandma who snagged it from a famous candy maker."
"My mom didn't get the recipe until she was an adult and we were always told that we couldn't have it until we were 30."
"In my late teens my mom asked me to help make the fudge with her a few times."
"The recipe is very simple and this was all the exposure I needed to memorize it."
"I've never once needed to write the recipe down."
"It came out that I had the recipe early and my mom and her mom were both outraged."
"I was given many warnings against sharing family secrets and told they were disappointed at my sneaking around them."
"I've never shared the recipe with anyone besides my brother and sister."
"I don't have the same feelings about recipe hoarding, but I followed tradition."
"However even now, 15ish years later, I'll get comments about how they don't entirely trust me since I came by the recipe dishonestly."
"Tonight I was reading an article about a chef doing research on secret family recipes for pickled herring."
"He managed to get copies of hundreds of recipes-200 of them were identical."
"He traced them back to a cookbook from the 1960s."
"This got me thinking about our family recipe."
"After not much googling at all, I found 'our' exact recipe on the website for an evaporated milk company."
'They apparently have also printed the recipe on cans over the years."
"This leads me to believe that either my grandma or her mother actually got the recipe from a can and lied about its origin."
"I think this is hilarious and want to share the information."
"We've been so secretive about a recipe that's in public domain!"
"There's really no reason to hoard it anymore."
"Would I be the a**hole if I shared this knowledge with my mom?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I say NTA - do it. Because this:"
"'It came out that I had the recipe early and my mom and her mom were both outraged. I was given many warnings against sharing family secrets and told they were disappointed at my sneaking around them.'"
"What is even the point of having a cherished family tradition, if it ceases to to be something fun and just becomes a vehicle for bullying and emotional abuse?"
"F**k em! Out their BS 'secret recipe.'"
"Tell them exactly why: because they're being A**HOLES about it." ~ Miss_OGinny
"Unless I'm misreading things, didn't OP get the recipe almost by accident?"
"Her mother didn't tell her explicitly, but she showed OP all the steps and ingredients multiple times."
"I don't see how it's dishonest to remember something OP's mom specifically showed her, and it's certainly not cool to be a d*ck to OP for remembering."
"If anybody spilled the beans on their 'secret recipe,' it was OP's mom, which makes it even more of an asshole move to blame OP." ~ Amber423
"My grandma was always this way with her spaghetti meat sauce."
"She would 'share' the recipe with my mom but always left one or two ingredients out."
"Well, thank god my mom is an amazing cook because hers is way better than my grandma's after she played around with different flavors."
"My grandma was always salty about it till she died."
"I don't understand why people are like that with their own family, like get over yourself." ~ melancholy_melon_
"I find all of this absolutely hilarious because all of my moms treasured family recipes came labels."
"Her recipe book was just a folder filled with labels and cut out parts of boxes."
"The best part is that people LOVED her food and she was always a huge hit at parties."
"I've never understood the point of hoarding recipes! It's not like it detracts from your enjoyment of the dish." ~ Jilltro
"Dude, your own mother is going off at you for 'learning the recipe dishonestly' when she f**king asked you to help her with it."
"And basically taught you like it's somehow your fault that you retain information, probably to avoid anger on her for sharing it with you in the first place even though she only needed help making fudge."
"Do you really think that showing them that their secret recipe isn't really the awesome story they were told is going to have a good impact on your life?"
"Like really when you really really think about it, is this a good idea for your sanity or will you just be adding more fuel to the fire of crazy?" ~ AnorhiDemarche
"NTA. I've always thought 'secret family recipes' were some old style gatekeeping bulls**t."
"Share the recipe and let everyone enjoy some tasty fudge."
"Who cares if it came from a can or the world's leading fudge expert?"
"Food is an art."
"Just because everyone has the recipe doesn't mean they'll make it the same." ~ Therickster2
"This is the episode of friends when phoebe found out her dead grandmas secret cookie recipe was the one on the back of the nestle tollhouse chocolate chip bag."
"'This is why you're burning in hell!'"
"NTA. Burst some bubbles." ~ s3x_p3ac3
"NTA. Saw the heading and just knew it was going to be the carnation fudge recipe."
"It is a good recipe!"
"I don't understand how they asked for your help making the fudge, then be mad that you know the recipe."
"I think you should make some for this Christmas, wait for someone to make a comment and reply 'Oh no, I can't be trusted with the family recipe, so I used this one' and whip out a can of carnation." ~ Goldskilt
"I don't think you are an a**hole and I don't think you would be an a**hole."
"But the fact is that recipe is really special to them regardless of it's origins."
"So a**hole or not I think it will likely hurt their feelings at least a little bit, but they'll probably get over it."
"It's also important to remember that you can never unsay anything."
"So I guess the question is, do you want to ruin something really special for them for no real reason?"
"You gain nothing by telling them."
"So NTA either way." ~ Argent_Jinx
"They literally still have trust issues because OP came about the recipe 'dishonestly.'"
"I agree OP likely has nothing to gain by telling their family, but only because they seem at least a bit legitimately crazy."
"Family would likely overreact and take it out on OP, or just not react at all."
"I don't think OP should worry about hurting feelings, just the potential bulls**t that may result from this." ~ IamProbablyARobot
"Well now, you know how mums can be."
"I think you have to ask yourself whether it's really worth it."
"Your family sound really invested in the mythology of the recipe."
"And chances are they may already suspect or know the truth anyway and this is the 'secret part' of the recipe which is revealed on your 30th letting you in on the family joke."
"I don't think working out the recipe was a dishonest way to come about the information."
"But generally people don't tend to react positively when you destroy long held life views, especially about family traditions."
"I know my mum's special oatmeal and raisin cookies are basically the recipe on the Quaker oats box."
"I will never let on though because she gets so much joy from the thought of being the only one who can make me these treats."
"It's up to you OP but NAH." ~ Witthefit
"NTA - they freaked out at you for 'having the secret family recipe early' which meant you 'couldn't be trusted' but it turns out the entire ~secret~ recipe was a lie made up by grandma for clout?"
"And half the country has had it this whole time!"
"Lmfao why do they deserve their fake high horse to look down on other family members from?"
"Exposing someone else's rude hypocrisy doesn't make you an a**hole." ~ calamitylamb
"NTA."
"My mom didn't get the recipe until she was an adult and we were always told that we couldn't have it until we were 30."
"So fudge can be really good, or really shi**y."
"The shi**y fudge has a horrible texture and tastes like a lot of sugar and nothing else."
"And your family is using the quick to make, shi**y recipe, and not letting anyone see that fudge can actually be good, and then telling you you can't see the recipe till you're 30 and indoctrinated into the shi**y fudge society."
"End this now!!"
"This is like if someone's mom tells them that they have a secret recipe for tomato soup, and one day you finally find the cans of Campbells."
"Really, WTF???" ~ Twzl
Well OP, Reddit understands your wanting to expose the secret.
Secrets always have a way of coming out.
Hopefully whatever you chose only brings comedy and not chaos.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp