The roles of women in Western countries have changed drastically in the last 100 years. But other global cultures are seeing evolution in gender roles as well.
The stereotypical role of stay-at-home wife and mother has been changed by women entering the workforce, either by choice or by necessity. But that's not every woman's goal or preference.
Some women prefer being a housewife.
A husband whose wife prefers to stay home turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback after friends of his brother shamed her for her choice.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
LetPrevious5008 asked:
"AITAH for kicking out my brother's friend and his wife for disrespecting my wife?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother invited his best friend and his wife on my wife's birthday, my wife and I knew his best friend because we met him a couple of times, but we met his new wife for the first time."
"His wife asked my wife as to what she does, and my wife responded to her by telling her that she's a housewife."
"His wife gave a shocked face to my wife and asked her 'why.' My wife said Because she enjoys being a housewife and she doesn't think it's wrong."
"She laughed and said, 'Or you are just lazy,' and told my wife that she should find a job. I told her that my wife is not lazy and she supports me, so she should mind her own business."
"She kept arguing as if it was personal to her, and when I had had enough, I told her that my wife is better than hers and she probably has to work 'extra hard' to please her boss."
"She got offended, and so did her husband, and I kicked both of them out."
"My brother told me that I went too far by insulting his friend and his wife. When I asked him if they didn't go too far when they insulted my wife, he said that they have a point, and everyone should be working in this day and age."
"I didn't want to argue with him, so I asked him to leave as well because I didn't want to ruin my wife's day by arguing with him as well."
"But my mom says that I shouldn't have kicked my brother out. Thankfully, all these stupid arguments happened before all the other guests arrived and we still enjoyed our party.
"So am I the a**hole for kicking them all out?"
The OP later added:
"It didn't feel like that woman was jealous of my wife, because she kept saying that my wife is lazy and she should work."
"My wife and I are happy with the way we live, so why the f*ck does it matter to anyone else?"
"Our life choices didn't affect them in any way, and my wife was just being a gracious host. Even after they insulted my wife, she didn't insult them back; that's how sweet my wife is."
"I don't regret kicking them out, but what I do feel bad about is I kicked my own brother out."
"I have complicated feelings towards him. I wonder why he did not stop his friend and his wife from insulting and bullying my wife."
"He's my brother, and he wasn't being disrespectful towards me, but he and his best friend and his wife were insulting my wife. That is the same as insulting me, so I won't tolerate that either."
"Even if he apologizes at this point, I won't totally forgive him."
"I was unfortunate that I got this brother of mine, and my wife is unfortunate for having a brother-in-law like him."
"He wasn't an a**hole before this, and he would respect my wife, but I don't know why he didn't defend her in this scenario. Maybe he cares more about his best friend and his wife."
"Or maybe he was pretending all this time, and he held the same opinion towards to my wife all this time. I will never know, and I don't want to anymore."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong to kick people out who were rude to his wife (NTA).
"NTA. These people are insulting you in your own home. That's disrespectful and rude." ~ Far_Information_9613
"Why do they actually care? It doesn't affect them in the slightest."
"And who the f*ck starts an argument with a birthday girl they literally just met. She's definitely just jealous."
"Please have a private talk with your brother that if he ever brings up/weighs in on your wife's SAH status, you'll be going low contact/no contact. His opinion is irrelevant." ~ Puzzled-Heart9699
"And by the way, why in the hell was brother inviting someone to OP's wife's birthday party?" ~ Tight-Shift5706
"NTA. The friend's wife was way, way out of line, rude, and obnoxious. Your mom is also wrong.. Your brother was extremely rude as well." ~ Gran1998
"NTA! These people have some nerve voicing their opinions about how your wife spends her time. Honestly, they are jealous."
"Pure jealousy that they're at work, slaving away, and your wife is not. They're haters and good for you for standing up to them."
"These people are ridiculous. On her birthday, too! They should wait until they're in the car driving home to talk their shit and voice their opinions, people have no manners these days!" ~ Alanthiablue
"Your brother was being a dick. He's allowed to feel how he wants, but should have only opened his mouth to tell his friends to back off. If he can't be respectful in your home, he loses the privilege of being there." ~ herroyalsadness
"If I were you, the only regret I would have is not being able to kick them out twice. Your brother included. No one insults my wife, and if you do it in my home, that's it for you." ~ Difficult_Youth_444
"Why do you regret kicking your brother out. He was very disrespectful to both you and your wife."
"He needs to deeply apologize for all of that and acknowledge that being a homemaker is a much better job than a working woman who can't see past her own inabilities." ~ Electronic-Buy-1786
"Grow a spine and tell your mother you will not tolerate your wife being disrespected by him or anyone else. Including your mom." ~ geekgirlwww
"Your brother invited two friends to a party he was not hosting. That is beyond rude to the host. Disrespect #1."
"The friends proceeded to insult your wife repeatedly; disrespect #2."
"Bro didn't shut them down and take them away. That, sir, is disrespect #3." ~ JoyReader0
"The working wife is probably jealous that she doesn't have the luxury to stay home and tried to belittle your wife to make herself feel better. NTA. Good job OP!" ~ East-Ad3669
"Your brother should be siding with family if he were a real one."
"Even if you were in the wrong (you are not), family is family." ~ IronicJustice
"Sounds like the other wife is a fake feminist. She really believes her way of life is the only way to be an independent woman."
"She will never understand there are different options for different people in life. As long as both of you are happy with the arrangement, who is she to judge‽‽" ~ corgi-king
"NTA. It's none of their business—even if they do hold opinions like that, they bite their tongue when meeting people for the first time, especially as your guests...I mean, wow!"
"I'd have given them the boot, too." ~ Careless-Giraffe-623
"These people are trash. You don't go to someone's house and insult them. Especially about something that is really none of their business."
"Your brother and mom are pretty low on the social ladder as well. NTA." ~ Curious-One4595
"NTA. But if I may say, your brother is an a**hole for not defending your wife and letting his friends go on and on about your wife being lazy."
"Your brother sounds like a real great guy." ~ AnnNonNeeMous
"NTA, proud of you for being a good husband. This is how we men should treat our wives." ~ Unfair_Machine_7031
"NTA. They came to your wife's birthday and disrespected her in her own home, yeah, that's just being a prick. What she does with her life doesn't concern them at all." ~ ImaginationAlone8214
"NTA. The audacity of the bro's best friend's wife. What does it matter to any of them if your wife works or not?"
"It's absolutely none of their business, and if your brother can't defend his sister in law and agrees with his friend, he doesn't need to be around either."
"Your mother is delusional if she thinks you went too far; she can go too." ~ Embarrassed-Fox-3332
"NTA. The woman's husband should have good enough manners to have encouraged his wife to drop it, move on, etc... and your brother should have expected as much or stood up for your wife himself."
"Your wife and you are due two apologies, but hopefully you'll receive one from your brother." ~ Chiron008
"No, they are the a**holes. You never insult someone's choices, especially in their own home. Also, if anyone, your brother is a bigger a**hole."
"Not only did you do him a favor by inviting his best friend, but to back them up over you‽‽"
"Tell your mother to stay out of it, you're adults. If she still wants to be involved, she needs to tell her other son to learn respect and that his best friend is toxic and so is the wife." ~ ncjr591
The OP was hosting these rude people in his home to celebrate his wife's birthday. Bullying her about their relationship dynamic was unacceptable behavior.
The fact his brother and mother don't agree seems like a good reason to limit contact with them all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp