Redditor Silly-Potential3968 has a large age gap between himself and his partner.
This has caused some unwelcome snide comments from his partner's son.
The Original Poster (OP) recently decided he would not attend his partner's son's wedding so as not to become the punching bag yet again.
However, the OP recently turned to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) over his decision.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to go to my BF's son's wedding?"
He went on to explain:
"I [31-year-old Male] have been in a relationship with an older man [65-year-old Male] for 2 years."
"The age difference surprises some people, but it's fairly common in gay culture + he is a sweet, intelligent, fun-loving man who looks fantastic."
"Let's call this boyfriend James. He was married for a few years, and while very civil with his ex-wife, they have been divorced for a long time, and their marriage - each has admitted - was toxic."
"They had one son (Junior). James struggled coming out for several years but has proudly been out and proud for a few years prior to us meeting."
"James's son, we will call Junior (Jr), has known about his father's sexuality for years and was polite to me at first but quickly soured after about six months when it was clear I was not just a fling."
"Junior is a few years older than I am - which was weird at first, but I think it's time he gets over it."
"James and I love to travel, try new things, etc., and due to the fact James sets the plans and - let's be frank - it farther along in his career, elects to pick up the check 90% of the time."
"Junior (the son) has started calling me 'the sugar baby' or just 'the baby.'"
"I don't cross paths with Junior very often, and to keep the peace, I simply have to let any negative experiences go to not give James any undue stress."
"I know how our relationship looks - and James and I have had many long conversations on the subject. We are both comfortable, having fun, and have great communication."
"NOW"
"Junior (the son) is getting married in a few months. I was not directly invited but James naturally has marked me down as his plus one."
"Junior is marrying a lovely girl closer to my age. Last week, during a rare dinner that we were all present for, Junior was really nasty to me and made some unkind remarks."
"It is clear that Junior has resentment toward his parents for their divorce, toxic family life early in his life, etc."
"He also thinks I am trying to weasel my way into the father's life for financial benefit (James built several companies that do really well)."
"LOOK: I am not without sympathy - if my father started dating someone a few years younger than me - regardless of gender - I would be taken aback and weirded out AT FIRST."
"After 2 years though it is clear - to all of James' friends and his employees - that I am good for him. He is happier, taking more time away from his businesses, and just overall most pleasent."
"I have done my best but I am done being a punching bag at every event the son and I are together at."
"I am refusing to go to the wedding, and while James is trying to be understanding - he is clearly hurt."
"I have made it clear that I fully support him going or even taking someone else as a date. I am not trying to spoil the big day - but I can't put myself in the firing line again."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA, but if you want to develop a better relationship with James' son, refusing to attend his wedding is not the way to go about it." - Capresesandwitch
"YTA and your bf in general, I think. But you shouldn't have to go to the wedding, and I doubt Junior actually wants you there."
"'Junior is a few years older than I am - which was weird at first but I think it's time he gets over it.'"
"You don't get to decide that. I'd be weirded out as f*ck if my parent started dating someone my age. Was your bf always perving on his son's friends?" - Odd-Writer2153
"NTA. Don't go where you're not wanted. If Junior doesn't want to see his dad's boy toy at his wedding, you shouldn't go."
"Your boyfriend is being incredibly selfish to try and make both you and his son uncomfortable at his son's own wedding…"
"…just so he can push the Happy Family That All Think I'm Great narrative." - Basic-Regret-6263
"NAH"
"If I were in your situation, I would ask James to talk to Junior about what he wants."
"I wouldn't recommend a threat like 'If you aren't nicer to my bf he won't come to your wedding.'"
"Perhaps James could try something like, 'Hey Junior, OP and I have been discussing your wedding and we are concerned that if he attends as my +1…'"
"'…you will be some combination of angry/hurt/annoyed. We don't want to be a distraction on your wedding day and OP doesn't want to feel unwelcome, so what is your preference?'"
"'OP would like to attend if you are supportive of that but he's totally fine with not attending if it's going to be a problem for you.'"
"Then it's in Junior's hands and you can't be accused of causing drama." - Used_Mark_7911
"Come on. If OP were a woman they'd be torn to shreds."
"If my dad was dating someone younger than me and paying for their lifestyle, I'd be pretty upset and if said person had decided on their own…"
"…that I should give them respect as my parent's partner, and get over it by now, I'd be pissed."
"If OP was a woman everyone would be in here talking about how the son better keep an eye on dads will etc." - Glittering_Piano_633
"So junior grew up in an angry household with a workaholic father, watching his parent's toxic marriage falling apart?"
"Junior had a sh*t childhood, and now his dad is magically happy and you (someone his age) gets to reap all the rewards."
"I hate to say it, but I'd probably hate you too. I'm not saying it's right that he hates you, just that I get it."
"James needs to fix this. Not you. Not his wife. Not his son. James does."
"Hope you guys can work it out." - Subme-sweetly
"NAH"
"I see no problem with you not attending. It's clear to me that Junior would like as little to do with you as possible, and I think this is a good option to keep what peace there is." - thirdtryisthecharm
"You have explained a lot about the financial situation and the enjoyment of time together and how much happier James is. I have one question or maybe a bridge to cross."
"In your post and responses, there is mention of age difference, relationship with son, the wedding and allowing his son to use as punching bag…"
"…not going to wedding, James wanting you to go, how financiall successful James is ..I think that sums it up, now here is my question."
"Do you love him? You mentioned that obviously, this is not a fling because you've been together for 2 years…"
"…but you have not said how much you love James, and you can see spending the rest of your life with him."
"See, you explained a lot about James' life, toxic marriage, and coming out, but not one word about your life."
"I think if you want people to respect you and your relationship with James, then you should really be honest about being in love with James or love the life you have with James…"
"…or do you love but not in love with James?"
"So, when you come asking if you're the a**hole and defend your relationship and talk about how great it is, perhaps your first line before anything is, I love him so much, and he makes me happy."
"It's not about if you make him happy and how much of a better mode he is in. Does he make you emotionally happy? You have yet to mention how you feel."
"I am married to a man who is 16 years older than me, and when we met, I was 43, and he was 59. He made good money, but I was with him because I love this man to pieces."
"That's the start of any conversation about us. BTW, about five years ago, he retired and only collects social security, and we only get 1/4 of what he used to get."
"Guess what, I am still here. I am the actual breadwinner, and I still want him. Can you say the same?"
"In 1 paragraph, you can see our age difference means nothing because I talked about the love we have for each other."
"So, again, if you want people to stop concentrating on your age, then talk about your love, not his mode." - ckm22055
Good advice for the OP from the last commenter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp