A family was looking forward to attending the first wedding in 25 years.
But the excitement towards the big day was marred by a mother and daughter arguing over an issue that left the daughter speechless.
Looking to hear judgment from strangers online, the daughter visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor Chance-System6463 asked:
“AITA for telling my mom I won’t attend a wedding if she wears a certain dress?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mom (60 F[female]) recently purchased a dress for my (24 F[female]) cousin’s (her nephews) wedding. This is the first wedding in our family in about 25 years, so everyone is very excited.”
“She wanted to show me the dress and specifically said she wanted my honest opinion on it, and was aware the style of the dress was not similar to my personal style. I agreed and told her I can always appreciate a good look, even if it’s not something I would wear.”
The OP continued:
“Here is where the issue began: the dress is 80% white. As soon as she walked out, I told her that it was a pretty dress and that she looked good, but she couldn’t wear it to a wedding. She went back and forth with me, saying there are flowers on the front and that it’s not white, it’s cream.”
“I told her no matter if it’s cream, white, bone, or ivory, it is too white to wear to a wedding if that’s the main color.”
“Once again, she said it wasn’t too white and she’s going to wear it. I then reminded her of the one big rule for most weddings: don’t wear white. She said, ‘I’ve never heard of that, and it’s a summer wedding.’ “
“I told her it’s a very well-known rule, especially for people under 30. I also informed her that the bride would likely be very upset if she wore it. She seemed to think it wouldn’t bother the bride and that it’s not too white.”
The OP was forced to give the following ultimatum.
“I finally told her that I wouldn’t go to the wedding at all if she wore it, as I would be too embarrassed knowing that my mother would do that to someone on their wedding day.”
“Link to Dress for reference.”
“Now, she is insisting on asking my sister for her opinion and thinks I was being a b*tch. AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“NTA.”
“You have a very reasonable concern that she’s going to end up being a huge source of negative attention, and you don’t want to be standing next to the woman everyone is staring at and talked about for all the wrong reasons. And given the popularity of people ‘accidentally’ spilling their drinks on wearers of white and off-white alike at a wedding, you don’t wanna be in the splash zone.”
“I find it hard to believe that she’s never heard that it’s a social faux pas to wear white to wedding, but you can just have her google it and see thousands of examples of how this is common knowledge and the consequences it brings.”
“However, why doesn’t she get the bride and grooms opinion on it? Why would your sister be the next person she asks? The person who’s getting married should be the one you ask what is appropriate to wear. And to that point, you should try and reach out to your cousin and give them a heads up.”
“However, even if they approve, it doesn’t mean the other guests won’t have different opinions, and she may still be talked about/gossiped about, and you’re still allowed to be uncomfortable at that prospect of that.” – SupermarketNeat4033
“NTA but an easier option would be to take a photo (or share that link) with the happy couple and ask if it matches their dress code.”
“Personally, I think it looks like a dressing gown I’d wear on a beach holiday from the back, so if they are having a black tie event, it could be inappropriate even before we consider the obvious faux pas of being too white.” – DgShwgrl
“NTA.”
“No white at a wedding is a very well-known rule for people your mother’s age as well. My grandmother (80) told me that rule when I was a kid, and I’m like 45 now. People might not say anything directly to her face, but they will notice and might talk about her later.”
“Your sister will tell her the same thing you did; also tell her to ask any other relatives that are her age, and THEY will tell her the same thing. It’s a very pretty dress, and your mom should keep it for a different occasion, but for the wedding she needs to find one in a different color.” – sarahmegatron
“NTA – this does not look like a wedding dress, but it absolutely looks like a dress worn to draw attention and piss off the bride and her family. You mom may find herself covered in red wine – and frankly she would deserve it for being so obtuse and self-centered.” – booksiwabttoread
“The dress looks like a bathrobe. So that’s the first issue.”
“I think people have gotten super intense about the not wearing any stitch of white to a wedding. But why is she so insistent about this one dress? It doesn’t seem like a dress that’s going to be intensely flattering on anyone. Surely she can find something that won’t accidentally offend.”
“NTA, but maybe try a softer approach. It sounds like she’s defensively digging in her heels because she’s surprised by your reaction. Tell her you’ll go shopping with her to find something in another color.” – pokeofroanoke
“NTA. I feel like basically anytime someone says ‘It’s not white, it’s cream/ivory/bone!’ for a wedding guest dress, they know for a fact it’s a shade of white and are just trying to start shit. Some brides might be chill, some brides will be offended. If you don’t know what kind of bride this will be and aren’t bothering to ask, don’t wear it.”
“Wearing white or colors that appear white on camera is considered a social faux pas in many western-style wedding settings. Cultures and regions vary, but it’s current general wedding etiquette, unless otherwise stated by the couple.” – Apprehensive_Cow4542
“NTA.”
“I find it hard to believe that she’s never heard not to wear white to a wedding. Regardless, she knows now and should double-check with the bride and groom if she’s determined to wear it. Also, it looks like a dressing gown, which I would question whether was appropriate attire for a wedding setting anyway.” – Uncharteddm
“NTA. You are correct, that dress is too white/cream/bone/ivory. I don’t blame you for not wanting to field stares all night.”
“FWIW, asking the bride her thoughts is just going to put pressure on her to say yes. There are so many dress options out there. It’s not worth the mental gymnastics. Your mom has plenty of time to pick out a new dress she will feel great wearing.”
“I also wore a cream dress to someone else’s wedding as a guest (in my naive youth). I got the okay from the bride and everything. But I still feel weird about it years after the fact. It never actually caused drama at the wedding, but there’s just certain hidden social rules.”
“I felt people judging at me. That dress is too white, and even if the bride is alright with it, other guests will notice and just think your mom is tone deaf at best or narcissistic.” – dahliadelight
“You’re NTA for expressing your opinion about her dress, and I’m in the ‘people go overboard on the don’t- wear- white issue’ camp, and I don’t think the dress is a good fit for the wedding whatever the color but threatening not to go puts you over into yta country imo. Why not tell her you don’t think the dress flatters her and help her pick out another?”
“And just as an aside, try not to let yourself feel responsible for what other adults do, even if the adult in queston is your mother.” – blawearie
“NTA and all the suggestions to loop in the bride – there are a million different dresses that don’t have to be questioned. If you have to ask, wear something else. Why add to her plate or put her in an awkward position to have to say I’d prefer you not.” – Lethave
Overall, Redditors agreed with the OP that it would be disrespectful to wear a dress in a shade similar to the gown worn by the star of the nuptials.
If anything, they thought that the OP’s concern was really a warning for her mother to avoid gossip, and was therefore, a favor.