Financial management is one of those subjects that can challenge anyone, and it can especially impact our romantic relationships if we do not agree with our partners about how to budget.
Poor spending habits can not only hurt a couple on a monthly basis but for the entirety of their future together, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Hot-Principle-5612 became increasingly concerned about his wife’s spending habits and eventually reached the point of discussing a budgeting system with her.
But when he suggested implementing an allowance system, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when his wife said he should just divorce her instead.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my wife either she gets a job or I’m putting her on an allowance?”
The OP’s wife had very different spending habits from him.
“My (34 Male) wife (34 Female) is a stay-at-home mom and wife, and she likes to spend frivolously.”
“After the kids go to school on the bus, she usually goes back to bed and then wakes up, goes to Starbucks to have a coffee and bagel, and browses her phone. Then she goes to the gym and then goes shopping.”
“She doesn’t always buy things. Sometimes it’s just window shopping, but she’s spent 1,500 by herself some months on clothes, nails, hair, makeup, eyebrows, buying eyelashes in packages called things like ‘Baddie’ and ‘F**kboy.'”
She was not happy when the OP wanted to implement a budget.
“I told her we need to get on a budget and stick to it, and if she couldn’t stick to it, I’d have no choice but to put her on an allowance. Or she could get a job.”
“She was furious and said if I wanted a working wife, I should have married a ‘hardworking girl’ instead of her.”
“I reminded her that when we first married, she did have plans to work, and had all these big plans on becoming a ‘business woman,’ yet never acted on anything.”
“She called me an ungrateful a**hole and said, ‘Then divorce me.'”
“I don’t know what to do. Was I wrong for telling her to either get a handle on her spending, get a job, or i’ll put her on an allowance?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that his wife needed to work with a budget or get a job.
“Whether she works or not is irrelevant. If she is spending more than your discretionary budget, she’s harming the financial safety of your family and kids.”
“What if you lost your job? What if one of you had a major medical emergency? It sounds like she is concerned with filling a void in herself over the success of the family.” – StellaStewieStanley
“Write up a budget on your own. Give her a debit card with the monthly amount she can spend on it. Close credit cards. It sounds extreme, but she could bankrupt you.”
“Then see a lawyer and check out your options.” – ButterscotchIll1523
“You should have a budget that includes discretionary amounts for both of you. My husband and I struggled using just one account for everything because we didn’t communicate about money.”
“So we have three checking accounts. One is household, and every paycheck, the amount needed to cover regular bills is deposited. No debit card is attached to this account; it can only be used by check or the bill pay app.”
“Then we each have our own checking account to spend as we wish. We can’t see what the other is buying, but there is a limit set by the budget.”
“Everyone gets an ‘allowance.'” – Any-Owl5710
“NTA, I’ve been married for over 20 years, and I am a SAHM. Following a budget is necessary for long-term success.”
“She deserves an allowance, but it has to be within your means. Running a household has to be run like a small business for it to thrive. Plus, you gotta save for retirement/illness, you never know what life is going to throw at you.” – goodbabygirl444
“If you are rich, you aren’t throwing away money. If you make a lot of money and waste it, you won’t have any more wealth than anyone else who can just make it to the end of the month.”
“I make GOOD money. I have an allowance. My husband chooses not to work. He has an allowance. If we want to spend money without thinking about it, it comes out of the allowance. If we spent every dime I make, I could never retire.” – Embarrassed-Disk7582
“Just put her on the budget. Save your sanity and only give her access to disposable income. It’s obvious she is too immature to understand finances and how they work.”
“Make sure you freeze her access to your credit cards. Finding unexpected purchases there is never a fun surprise. I had to do this to my ex-husband because he would just take the money I worked for and squander it with no understanding of the bills that needed to be paid and when.”
“He threw our savings away (thousands) on gambling. When he felt restrained, he went for my credit cards. I was so busy, I didn’t realize until it was too late. Protect yourself and your finances.” – According-Board9579
“Sit down with her and list all of the bills and your income. ‘We have x amount coming in. We have x amount of bills. We need to save x amount for emergencies. We need to save x amount for retirement.'”
“And then, ‘We have this much left. You get 1/4, I get 1/4. The kids get 1/2. Here’s your 1/4, make it last till next payday.'” – Kaethy77
“Your family will suffer if you do not have a budget that prepares for your future, including your kids’ education and your retirement.”
“Your wife has three choices:”
“1. Commit to a budget that will undoubtedly constrain her spending, which is the same as an allowance.”
“2. Get a part-time job while the kids are at school to fund her spending.”
“3. Leave you and find a sugar daddy.”
“I’m a woman. Your wife’s attitude offends me to my very core. Please tell her I said that.” – Lower-Cantaloupe3274
Others advised the OP that breaking up might actually be a reasonable next step.
“She sounds very immature with her response and doesn’t sound responsible. Divorce her, live your best life, and then find someone that respects you and adds value to your life and build a strong relationship.” – I-D-G-A_F
“NTA. So, you brought up a genuine concern. Instead of considering solutions, she jumped first to divorce? Save yourself the strife and put in that paperwork.” – Silly-Flower-3162
“I would call her bluff and meet an attorney. It sounds like she lied about what she was going to contribute to the marriage and took you for a ride. Congratulations, you got a golddigger.” – GigiCemini86
“Tell her she lied about plans for the future, and you cannot fund her lifestyle on your own. Close out a joint account and open your own account, and put her on an allowance. If she doesn’t like it, she will get a job. If you divorce, tell the lawyer she worked before kids but refused to get a job after kids (try to avoid alimony).” – GardenSafe8519
“No, he should just take her advice and divorce her. If he puts her on allowance, she’s gonna tell everybody he’s financially abusing her and doesn’t let her buy things, and then all her flying monkeys will join the circus and make his life a miserable f**king h**l.” – No-Night-6700
“Most lawyers will give you a free consult. Get information on if/how long she would be entitled to alimony (depends on the state you live in and the age of your children), how much child support, etc, will be.”
“Then casually leave the papers in front of her, tell her you talked to a lawyer, like she said. Your counterproposal is for the two of you to meet with a financial planner, decide on a budget, and goals.”
“Give her a separate account, with a budgeted amount of her money, if she chooses to get a job and supplement her fun money, that’s an option. If she goes back to work, you both contribute proportionally to shared expenses and planned savings (retirement, kids’ college, big vacations, emergent home and car repairs), then she can do as she will with her money.”
“The financial planner can help with setting goals based on different scenarios. Tell her, she never indicated before you married that she expected you to fully pay for her life at a golddigger level. If she wants to live the SAHM/SAHW life, she has to work within the budget you have. She won’t be able to have that life as a single mom.”
“I suspect the ‘then divorce me’ line was meant to shut you up, and not a threat. Show her you took her at her word, when she refused to consider a budget she has to live within. Show her you took her seriously, and she will backtrack. Insist on working with a professional to negotiate the budget. Suggest therapy to discover her dysfunctional attitude towards money. Is it a family thing? Was she never taught? Is she involved in paying bills, taxes, investments?” – Old-Mention9632
The subreddit could emphasize that it could be hard to get used to a budget and smart spending, but that it was something that all couples needed to do for the longevity of their relationship.
Clearly, the OP’s wife was very comfortable with the status quo and did not want it to change, despite the OP’s increasing stress.
It seemed like the most logical course of action was to give her a budget and let her spend until she ran out of money each month, or otherwise call her on her bluff and divorce her.
She’d absolutely have to start living with a budget and “fun” allowance then.