The hope for children of divorced parents is for co-parenting to be amicable, but that's often not the case.
When one orboth parents start new families, things can get complicated. If both parents are from different socio-economic classes, jealousy can become an issue between half and stepsiblings.
But is it the responsibility of a parent to meet the needs of their exes other children? It might bring greater harmony among the siblings, but where would it end?
A father with primary custody of his son turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after his ex-wife told him he needed to buy things for her children, too.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Kovuruunns asked:
"AITAH for saying it's not my problem if my ex and her husband can't afford their kids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (30, male) was married to Marin (30, female) and we have a son together who's now 8."
"When Marin was pregnant, I found out she was cheating on me with James (33, male). James had a girlfriend who was pregnant at the same time."
"When my son was born, we needed a DNA test to find out if I was his father or James was. As Marin's husband, I was the legal father and that made it easier when the DNA results showed he was actually mine."
"Because she fought to name James his father, things were toxic. James was there for everything in the later pregnancy and the birth and Marin told me nothing."
"Her parents were the ones who gave me info on when my son was born so I could file with the courts for a DNA test and custody and our son's birth was also when our divorce could proceed."
"James' ex ended up giving him custody of their daughter and so they had her full time and my son 50% of the time and a year and a half later they had a daughter together."
"At this point, they have James' daughter and four more children together—five total kids not counting my son who lives with me. I won custody of my son 3.5 years ago because, in order to force more money out of me, they wouldn't feed him enough and let him wear dirty old clothes."
"She thought I would send more money so she could 'afford' to feed him. Because that was how she framed it. She couldn't afford to feed him more."
"I was only asked to pay child support because I earned more than Marin. But we had equal parenting time, 50/50, back then. Now Marin only sees our son every other weekend."
"My son's in therapy to help him with all the mess he's witnessed and been a part of in some way in his young life. Marin was also ordered to pay a small amount of child support, but she only paid a few times."
"She always uses the excuse that she can't afford it and that might be true. I never push it, because I can take care of my son without her."
"For the last 2-ish years, Marin has looked to me to buy extra school supplies and share them among her two school aged kids. So her stepdaughter and first daughter with James."
"I have always ignored those requests and sent my son with supplies and donated a few to his class as requested. I have never bought a single thing for the other children in my ex's household."
"Two weeks ago my son had a small surgery and Marin showed up. Marin brought up the school supplies issue and asked me to please be decent about this and get some supplies for her girls because they couldn't afford them."
"She told me they struggle to support the kids they have as it is and their other kids suffer. I tried to move away from her, but she followed me to another table."
"So I told her I don't care if they can't afford their other kids. I told her that her other children are not my responsibility and she needs to figure something else out."
"I told her she already denied our kid food to try and get money out of me and she lost most of her time with him as a result and my priority was my kid, not the kids she keeps having."
"I told her I would not discuss it with her again and I haven't, but she has sent many messages through the co-parenting app the courts have ordered us to use where she calls me an a**hole and not a good dad to our kid."
"My lawyer knows. He tells me to keep ignoring her."
"And for those who might wonder, this will not remove her visitation with him. It was difficult enough to get primary custody after her denying our son enough food to try and make me pay more."
"Unless my son is older and doesn't want to see her or CPS removes the other kids, nothing will change regarding visitation."
"Knowing all of this, AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"He never brings his school supplies to her house. Since he only goes two weekends a month all his school stuff is left here."
"He hates going there. He can remember the neglect (being denied enough food) because that's what it was that happened and it was intentional."
"That carries with him because he just doesn't understand why his mom wouldn't let him eat more. But his feelings about visitation don't get taken into account by the courts at his current age."
"But I have him in therapy, so it helps him. Plus we have the therapist as help if I ever need to get him out of there ASAP."
"She has no shame. Neither has he. He thought I was an a**hole for not arguing against her being ordered to pay child support, because it 'wasn't fair' to make her pay according to him."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was doing nothing wrong by not financially supporting his ex-wife's five other children.
"How about this: 'One more insult, one more demand that I do things for the kids that aren't mine, and I will go to court for the balance of the child support you owe'."
"That should shut her up. Or land her back in court. Which ever she chooses. NTA." ~ lapsteelguitar
"Don't say anything that she could use as proof she thought there was an agreement for her not to pay. It won't erase her debt, but could get her out of a contempt charge."
"Listen to your lawyer and keep ignoring anything that isn't actually relevant to parenting your son. Huge - NTA." ~ Lucky_Stay_7187
"Yeah, because if you really press it, the courts can make someone's life extra crummy for not paying child support." ~ Corgidev
"NTA. She chose to cheat on you. Married and had kids with her affair partner and still had the audacity to ask you to provide for the kids she has with her affair partner. That's wild. The audacity and entitlement is insane. She should be ashamed of even asking." ~ lazy_Genius254
"Maybe next time tell her 'I'm surprised you can't afford school supplies when you aren't even paying your court ordered child support'. On the court monitored app." ~ Aylauria
"She called you a bad father because you won't buy stuff for children that aren't yours? She is seriously insane."
"Keep ignoring it and if you have to, get a restraining order as this is harassment."
"I don't understand why they won't take away all visitation when she was abusing your child. The system is completely f*cked." ~ WinterFront1431
"NTA - does she know that you could go to court to get her paychecks garnished for the back child support she owes? By her not paying the child support, she's already taking money from you. Now she wants you to 'give' her more money to support her other children via school supplies? No." ~ Visual-Lobster6625
"I love how she's calling you a bad father to your child because you won't help her with kids that aren't yours. And when she was the one actively starving your son. There's definitely a terrible parent here but it's not you! NTA." ~ EffectiveNo7681
"Only have conversations through the parenting app. You can also reference her attempts to communicate outside of the app in the parenting app.
"Such as, 'please don't approach me outside of the app as you did yesterday. Let's only talk through the app'."
"Also, openly and obviously, start recording her attempts to talk to you. Don't need to address her remarks yourself, but record her remarks. Don't talk at all. Gather evidence for your lawyer." ~ Ok-Passenger-1960
It sounds like this father has done everything he legally can for his son. It's unfortunate that his ex-wife thinks he needs to do everything for her five kids, too.
As most advised, he needs to ignore her requests and document everything for his lawyer and the courts to take any necessary action.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp