Content Warning: Tubal Ligation or “Tubes Tied”, Mom-Shaming, Tubal-Ligation-Shaming, Sexism, Misogyny
Every person who decides to have children already has an idea in their mind of how many children they ideally would like to have.
Sometimes this number changes as their family grows, but every family is welcome to choose the size of their family without anyone else’s advice, reassured the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Low-Clock3957 and her husband had their fourth child, and before their fourth baby was born, they agreed that it was time for her to get a tubal ligation, which could be done while she was having their baby via a Caesarean Section.
But when her parents found out about it and shamed her for stopping herself from being able to have more children, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by their reaction.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for not telling my parents I got my tubes tied?”
The OP had her tubes tied by having a Caesarean Section for her fourth child.
“I (27 Female) gave birth to my fourth kid last month. This baby had to be born via C-Section, and I got my tubes tied during it (which my husband (27 Male) is, and was, in support of.”
“Yesterday, my dad and stepmom came around to meet the baby.”
“The birth comes up, and I mentioned that I got my tubes tied so that my husband and I won’t have to worry about any more kids coming along.”
The OP was shocked by how her parents reacted to the news.
“My parents were shocked, talking about how it’s disgraceful that I didn’t tell them sooner of my decision. They also wanted to know what would happen if my husband wanted more kids.”
“I tried to explain that neither of us wanted more kids, and that we already had four, but my parents wouldn’t hear it and left early.”
“I didn’t think it would be a big deal that I got them tied, and that it wouldn’t matter, but was I wrong to think that way?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her parents’ reaction had been entirely inappropriate.
“The OP’s parents’ reaction is inappropriate, and I’d say OP should strongly reconsider being that close with them going forward; they don’t need to know this stuff if they act like that.” – GlowingHearts1867
“They only reacted like this because they think women are there to make babies and nothing else, no big deal. (Sarcastic comment; the OP is totally NTA.)” – Altruistic-Bunny
“Dad is a misogynist, quiet or otherwise. And the stepmom is the kind of woman who met a man like that, later in life, and supported it. Honestly, f**k these people. ‘What if your husband wants more kids,’ it’s bulls**t, and shows absolutely no concern for what the mother wants.” – notMyRobotSupervisor
“OP, NTA, I understand you completely.”
“I was pregnant with my sixth, and my now-ex-husband had a vasectomy. We weren’t going to tell anyone, but he had a minor complication, and he told them why he was walking like a bowlegged bull rider.”
“My family was so upset, because what if something happened and I lost the baby?”
“He was our sixth and unplanned. I wanted him, but if I had lost him I certainly didn’t want another pregnancy. They didn’t believe in any birth control; you had as many kids as ‘god’ sent you.” – wintrsday
“It’d still be insane if it was, ‘What if YOU want more kids’ instead of just asking about the husband. I’m one of four, and we were born almost once per year for about a five-year period. So think born in 1992, 1993, skipped 1994, then born 1995 and 1996.”
“Lucky for my mum, 1993 and 1996 were both December babies, but I figured out the other day that there’s only nine months between my birth and my younger brother’s conception.”
“There’s this whole thing about having babies close together so they better relate to each other and can grow up together, but I feel real sorry for the poor women who get basically no break between pregnancy and giving birth.” – perpetuallyxhausted
Others also reassured the OP that it was none of her parents’ business, especially if they were going to shame her about her decisions.
“It’s really not their business. NTA.”
“When my ex-husband and I knew we didn’t want more after the second one, I was 28 and he was 32. He volunteered to have a vasectomy, but I talked him into a tubal ligation. My thinking was that if I died, or we got divorced and he remarried, he might want to have more kids with another wife.”
“I knew I did not want to have any more kids under any circumstances. So, I just had the tubal ligation right there on the delivery table. As it turned out, we did get divorced, but he was too old for more kids by then.’ – DahQueen19
“Misogynist or not… who asks that question in the modern day after FOUR kids? LOL. Are these people for real? It’s even rare for super religious folks to not be satisfied after like four whole grandchildren.” – mecegirl
“It sounds like this all came from casual conversation, I know my brother got the snip after his fourth. It wasn’t a big deal because his choices are not mine to judge any more than mine are his to judge.”
“One would expect it wouldn’t be a big deal, being how OP already has four kids, so I can see why she’d feel comfortable mentioning it. What is out of the norm is being outraged that someone who already has four wants to prevent numbers five or more.” – 509RhymeAnimal
“I would have told them I didn’t tell them sooner, because it was none of their f**king business, before kicking them out.”
“Honestly, I never would have told them at all. They never would have been allowed into my home. I would never tell anyone, really. People are just f**king crazy.” – SissyLovesCuteAttire
“I’m not sure why their first question was based on some wild assumptions. Asking ‘what if your husband wanted more kids’ pretty clearly implies that they think OP either: 1. did this behind her husband’s back and only told him after; 2. never asked him his thoughts or opinion; 3. chose to go through with it despite her husband wanting more kids; and/or 4. OP told her husband to f**k off and that he doesn’t have a right to dictate what she does with her body.”
“Them assuming that the husband was left out of the decision-making process is insulting as h**l. It’s like they thought there’s no way in h**l ANY REAL MAN would approve of this, AND he definitely would never give his woman permission and allow her to go through with it.”
“So apparently they either believe that OP disobeyed her husband, OR, he was on board with this, and that means he’s a poor excuse of what a man should be.”
“On top of that, they obviously also assumed that they should have been involved in this decision. Did they want something similar to a gender reveal party, except instead of finding out the gender, everyone gets to vote whether OP should be allowed to get her tubes tied? And whatever the vote is she must do?”
“WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOESN’T CONSIDER THEIR ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS’ WISHES FOR THE FUTURE OF HER UTERUS FIRST AND FOREMOST?!? (sarcasm fo sho.)” – CatmoCatmo
“NTA at all. It’s none of their business.”
“Four kids, in my honest opinion, is plenty, and I think it would be for most people.”
“I think it’s also odd that they’re placing more value on their (perceived) impression that your husband would want more kids than if you want more kids. Overall, it sounds like they have some issues to work through.” – waitismyheadonfire
“It should have been safe to tell them this conversationally without any judgment. OP can and should be able to talk about it if she wants. Let’s normalize talking about sterilization. We are living on a planet that already has over eight billion people.”
“Every sibling or in-law of mine has been completely transparent about sterilization if they’ve had it done, and nobody had any judgment or issue with it on either side of the family, even my ultra-conservative parents and in-laws. It’s wild to think someone would be angry unless they were catholic or something. Even then, it’s not their business.” – CyanCitrine
The subreddit was equally as shocked and disgusted on the OP’s behalf at how her parents reacted to what she thought would be a positive thing: some reassurance that she had her four children and would not have to care for even more in the future.
Instead, the parents focused on the fact that she would not be providing her husband with more children, which just echoed back to more conservative times when a woman’s value was tied directly to how many healthy children, specifically boys, she could bear.
We are no longer in those times, and those should not be the OP’s parents’ concerns.