People sleep in various stages of undress. Some go for being completely covered in long sleeves and pants, while others choose to be nude.
Between completely covered and nudity, there's a lot of options. But if you're sharing a room with someone, is there an obligation to cover up more?
What if the other person is uncomfortable when the state of undress?
A man dealing with someone else's discomfort turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Straight_Giraffe_762 asked:
"AITA for refusing to sleep in pajamas when sharing a hotel room with my brother-in-law (BIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This past weekend I (25, male) was invited to my wife's cousin's bachelor party. We split off into hotel rooms of two and since I didn't know a ton of people there I roomed with my wife's brother."
"He's a couple years older than me, and we've gone to the gym together and whatnot, but have never been amazing friends."
"The first night, there was a decent amount of drinking. I noticed when he got into bed that he wore a sweatshirt and sweatpants."
"I ended up wearing one of those tank top undershirts and my underwear. I don't think he noticed until the next morning when I took off the covers."
"I took off the covers and sat up in bed talking to him for a minute or two. Admittedly, I was sitting around in tighty whities briefs, but once he said something I stopped."
"He said he 'didn't need to see that much of me'."
"He asked if I had anything else to sleep in. I told him I really only brought jeans, but I'd be happy to keep them by the bed and not sit around and talk to him like that tomorrow."
"We had some free time during the day and then had a chiller dinner the second night. When it came time to get to bed he pulled out some pajama pants and a cheap long sleeve shirt and said he brought them for me."
"I told him I'd wear the pajama pants if it was important to him, but I wouldn't wear the shirt. He said it was awkward and admittedly my shirt is one of those tight undershirts."
"But I don't know why that matters to him. I ended up getting annoyed and not even wearing the pants to sleep."
"He said that I wasn't being a good temporary roommate, arguing he was doing a good deed by rooming with me and not one of the people he's closer to."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My wife's brother said I should wear more to sleep and I refused even after he brought me pajamas."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors offered up every judgment possible for the OP, with not the a**hole (NTA)...
"NTA. I don't know what's going on, but you weren't sleeping nude. I've worn much less sharing rooms with friends of both genders." ~ Crafter_2307
"NTA, but this wouldn't be my hill to die on. Everyone has different boundaries of what they are comfortable with."
"If I was rooming with someone and they said that me sleeping in my bra and underwear made them uncomfortable, then I would just put on pajamas. To me there is just little to gain by taking a stand here." ~ Fitzhappening
"NTA. I think we can all compromise that asking OP to wear PJ bottoms is understandable. It's the long sleeve top that baffles us.
"Other than 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' establishments, men aren't even required to wear shirts in public. Wearing a tank to bed, most of us would considered sleeping in a top." ~ cgrobin1
"Not sure what his issue is, maybe he found you attractive? NTA." ~ lydocia
"If you weren't sharing a bed, wear what you want, not what he think you 'should' wear. NTA." ~ davekayaus
"My immediate assumptions would be: either he is insecure about his own body, and doesn't like seeing you comfortable with yours (maybe he's more overweight than you, or in noticeably worse physical shape), or he's insecure in his sexuality, and is overly anxious being around another man in their underwear."
"It's pretty normal for two dudes sharing a hotel room to see each other in their underwear."
"Honestly, I would be more interested in what he meant by 'doing a good deed' rooming with you. That makes it sound like family members drew straws to see who would room with you, or they thought you couldn't be alone. NTA." ~ TuckerCarlsonsOhface
...to OP was the a**hole (YTA)...
"YTA (kinda) honestly, I'd be annoyed if I were you too, but it clearly made him uncomfortable for reasons unknown to us. He respectfully asked you to be more clothed and even got you some clothes."
"Like I said, I'd be annoyed too, but at that point it would make sense to just respect his request to avoid unnecessary conflict. Not really a hill to die on in my opinion."
"Also people really are assuming like always and saying he might be gay/bi, insecure about his sexuality or body which might be the case but we don't know."
"That's also a reach and an assumption, but more was meant to be an example to show that we don't know what he was thinking. We only know he was uncomfortable, so why not accommodate him?" ~ ManOfJack
"Honestly some people have weird hang ups and given that he's provided the solution, I just think it's a bit needlessly churlish to refuse to wear them to make him feel more comfortable. YTA." ~ dsteere2303
"Eh, I'm inclined to say YTA. Lots of people aren't cool with someone they aren't close with hanging out in their underwear. It's pretty normal to wear PJs in just these situations." ~ Somethingisshadysir
"YTA. BIL said you were making them uncomfortable and put in effort to solve the problem. You should've at least worn the pants." ~ Cyber143
"Soft YTA. Why not just do him the favor? It clearly is important to him, and it costs you absolutely nothing." ~ happy-gof*ckyourself
...to no a**holes here (NAH)...
"NAH. He was clear about his comfort levels with OP's relative nudity. He provided clothes when OP had none."
"OP doesn't want to wear a shirt while sleeping and there's nothing wrong with that."
"You simply have two people rooming together who are not compatible (in this particular respect). I don't think that either is wrong." ~ Dizzy_Try4939
"NAH. Neither of you had the same expectations and he has as much right to want someone he shares a room with to wear pyjamas to bed as you have to refuse to wear pyjamas to bed."
"However, personally I would've just wore the pyjamas if it was reasonably comfy and made a temporary roommate feel at ease and then chose not to share a room with them again. But this is just an unfortunate event without any a**holes." ~ Quiet_Ninja_7440
"I kinda got the vibe you got out of bed and were walking around having convos in tighty whiteys.. Put some clothes on, dude."
"Nobody sucks here though. NAH." ~ jme518
"Well he clearly has hang ups about seeing another guy a little 'exposed'. The whole situation sounds weird. Just doing separate rooms would have been easier."
"I wouldn't say you're the a**hole but it was a nice gesture of him in a way to at least contribute a solution for the problem instead of just telling you off or something. NAH." ~ EarthquakeBass
...and declaring everyone sucked (ESH).
"ESH. It's polite to cover up a bit more when sharing a hotel room with people."
"I normally wear a sleep dress and no underwear, but if I'm sharing a room, even with a sibling, I upgrade to shorts under my dress for their comfort. It's a small concession to the 'nobody wants to see that' rule."
"We may still change in front of each other, but I'm not parading around then. I'm actively getting dressed, and the odds are way down when I'm awake that I'm unconsciously sprawled in a way that leaves gaps where they are least wanted."
"However, he kind of crossed a line when he tried to insist you cover-up. That's not polite, either. It sounds like you weren't walking around like that and were willing to cover up when you did."
"That's a nod to his discomfort and probably enough for a short stay. For a longer one, it would have been nice for you to buy a pair of shorts or something you were willing to sleep in."
"Sharing a room can be uncomfortable for everyone. Even though it's a short-lived issue, being extra courteous is the right thing to do." ~ SandboxUniverse
"You shouldn't be walking around without more on. The room is perhaps too enclosed for his comfort. ESH more likely."
"You have your preferences but failed to be considerate of a roommate with no wishes to see you in that lack of attire. He has his limits and seemed like you kept pushing them."
"You've been inappropriate in his eyes. He was also inappropriately shoving unwanted pajamas onto you. It's like tits for tats. Morale of the story: bad roommates." ~ anomaly-me
"Yeah, briefs should be covered up. Sorry dude."
"When sharing a room you make it as comfortable as possible for both people. Wearing some shorts or pj pants wouldn't kill you for a couple of nights."
"His insistence on the shirt is weird, though. A singlet is totally fine. ESH." ~ MysteryLass
Reddit was pretty divided on this situation.
The OP may not have a clear answer, but they've certainly gotten plenty of feedback to choose from.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp