Boundaries with exes are vital to a stable post-relationship situation.
Some exes can’t avoid one another, so rules are imperative.
Not every ex is keen on boundaries and rules.
These actions can stir up major issues.
Redditor HereLiesSarah wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for forbidding my ex from coming to my house without notice/uninvited?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Edit to add info: this has happened 3 times this week alone.”
“Thursday, I wrote ‘please let me know before you come over because I was in a meeting and was startled to hear people in the house.”
“Response was ‘My bad.'”
“Saturday, I wrote, ‘Please do NOT come to my house without notice. I had a guest over, and they had to leave in a hurry.'”
“Again, ‘my bad.'”
“Then today I wrote that I rescind all permission to enter my property without prior communication and consent.”
“The reply was ‘I’ll try to remember.'”
“I responded that ‘trying’ wasn’t good enough and that I will take legal action if he doesn’t stop.”
“I have been divorced for 5years now.”
“We share children.”
“Ex (Max) now lives 5minutes away, after following me to the city 3 years ago (I had to move for one of our children’s medical needs).”
“I own my house independently, and it was purchased after the divorce, so Max has no claims to my property.”
“3 times in the last week, Max has arrived at my house with no notice.”
“The first time was random, they collected the kids from school (not planned, they usually walk) and arrived to say hi or something.”
“Then I had a ‘friend’ sleep over because the children were at Max’s house and had to race around because Max’s new partner, Sam (they met 4 weeks ago, Sam moved in on the first date, met the kids the following day), arrived with the children to collect a toy.”
“I choose not to have new partners around the children for at least a year, and the friend who slept over is not a serious relationship, so they won’t be meeting the children.”
“This is not a jealousy issue; Max’s last partner was lovely, and we were very friendly.”
“I have also had a serious partner since the divorce, but that relationship ended 2 years ago.”
“And today, when I was at work, Max came over to visit the teenagers without checking first.”
“It feels very violating to have people in my home with no notice, especially when I know it’s messy!”
“I have documented all this and have security camera footage.”
“I have sent a message rescinding any permission to be on my property.”
“My next step is legal action, but we have coparented well until now, with the kids going between houses when they want (but always checking first with both adults).”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for expecting notice before the ex comes to my house and not allowing them to come and go freely?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Try mediation first.”
“Tell your ex that, unless given prior permission from you, they are not allowed to enter your home.”
“Tell the children this, too: they can go out with their parents, as per normal.”
“The parent is not allowed to enter your home; it’s your home, and the other parent is not a part of your home.”
“Just as friends don’t turn up randomly without an invitation, the other parent is not allowed to either.”
“I’d tell the other parent this is an attempt to draw up boundaries in an amicable manner.”
“But you will escalate if needed.” ~ Frankifile
“I know you think you are putting your kids first, but you are actually teaching them that it’s ok to ignore reasonable boundaries.”
“If their father is doing this to you, he will almost certainly push boundaries with his children, now and into the future.”
“He is also teaching them that every whim should be followed, even if it’s inconvenient for others, which is not something that will serve them well moving forward.”
“Even the story about ‘coming to get a toy’, he should be teaching them that they can live without a toy for 2 days, and to do a better job at packing.”
“Nothing about this is ultimately healthy for your children.”
“You are prioritizing making him a ‘good guy’ over everything else.” ~ SkibumG
“I could have written this, except replace teens with children, and it hasn’t been going well at all for me.”
“I honestly have had to be really blunt and minimise contact a lot, because he was overstepping a lot at the start of the year, felt like I had to break up with him over and over again.”
“Only just recently has he started again, so I am back at square one.”
“Thinking of getting a dog.”
“Commenting to wait for advice on this too.” ~ Automatic-Mess-2203
“NTA. It’s very intrusive to have someone coming over unannounced, almost like they’re checking up on you.”
“It’s unreasonable for him to turn up without asking you.”
“You need to be vocal in front of the children, too.”
“‘No, Max, you can’t come in. I have asked you to check in with me before you arrive. I appreciate you bringing the kids home, but you can’t come in without arranging it first.'”
“And tell the teenagers you have asked him to let you know before he comes over and that they can (but not that they have to, to prevent parental alienation) tell him that he can’t come in because he didn’t check with you first.” ~ International-Fee255
“NTA. This is your home, not a shared space, and showing up repeatedly without notice is a clear boundary violation.” ~ ContributionWise7607
“NTA. H is though.”
“I’d get in touch with a lawyer and draw up a formal letter detailing visiting protocol if you don’t already have one from the divorce, and have the return communications through the lawyer.”
“Next step would be a flat-out restraining order (or order of protection or whatever they are called in your area) to prohibit them from coming on the property.” ~ Kayback2
“If the kids are old enough, maybe they should just meet him in front of the house or somewhere else.”
“He does not need to be in the house.”
“I suspect he’s being nosy.”
“I would also maybe find another place to meet up if the kids are not old enough.” ~ Consistent-Ad3191
“NTA. It’s completely rude to show up unannounced, and he lost any right to that level of familiarity the minute you divorced.”
“I think you’re doing the right things so far, so just keep documenting and communicating in writing.”
“I don’t know what the best course of action legally is, but sounds like you’ve already got a lawyer. Best of luck with this.”
“As a side note, I’d keep an ear out about a new partner who moves in after the first date.”
“That’s a stranger being given very close access to your children.” ~ DarthRedYoga
“NTA- change your locks.”
“Why does he have a key?”
“If you have 100% custody, then stick to that until he realizes that he needs to respect you and your space.” ~ ThatAd2403
“How long ago did you send a message indicating your ex does not have permission to come to your house without giving you notice?”
“Did the three surprise visits you’ve described occur after that message was sent?”
“This sounds like something to have an in-person conversation about, to set boundaries regarding unexpected/unannounced visits, and also to work out some protocols in relation to picking up the kids from school unexpectedly.”
“Your ex needs to let you know when they’re doing that, just as you should let them know if you’re doing anything unexpected in relation to the kids.”
“You both should have a clear sense of where your kids are at a particular time.”
“It may seem fine to your ex to visit their teenage child on a whim, but different rules apply when they’re an ex.”
“That shouldn’t be hard for your ex to understand.”
“It should also be clearly understood that neither of you ever brings the children home unexpectedly unless you check first, because obviously, what you’re doing at home can very much differ if you know your kids are not expected home.
“Would Max and Sam like their kids to unexpectedly walk in the door while they’re having some uninhibited ‘kids are not home’ sex?”
“Again, this should all be obvious.”
“But apparently it isn’t, so have the conversation that’s clearly needed.
“NTA, but maybe hold off on any kind of legal action until you’ve had proper conversations about this.”
“If you’ve coparented amicably until now, this is likely all very solvable.” ~ huminous
“My dad used to do this to my mom as a method of control.”
“He used me as an excuse, but he didn’t actually try to see me.”
“Finally, one Christmas when he was getting mean about it, I told him to shove his presents up his butt.”
“He couldn’t use me as an excuse after that. NTA.” ~ 99-cabbages
“NTA, but you may find it tricky if your kids are inviting him – maybe have a conversation with them as well, about not inviting /allowing anyone (including their dad) into the house without your prior agreement (you can give blanket permission for any individual friends who visit regularly).”
“In the first instance, speak to your ex and just explain that it isn’t directed just at him, you aren’t comfortable with anyone coming into your home without your prior knowledge and consent.” ~ ProfessorYaffle1
“NTA, there needs to be clear instructions to the children and to him in writing preferred, noting that he is not permitted to come into your home and that he’s only allowed to come to your home to exchange the children with foreign knowledge.” ~ Icy-Doctor23
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your ex is completely out of line.
This is your home, your rules.
He has no right to barge in.
Stay firm and stand your ground.