Boundaries with exes are vital to a stable post-relationship situation.
Some exes can't avoid one another, so rules are imperative.
Not every ex is keen on boundaries and rules.
These actions can stir up major issues.
Redditor HereLiesSarah wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for forbidding my ex from coming to my house without notice/uninvited?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Edit to add info: this has happened 3 times this week alone."
"Thursday, I wrote 'please let me know before you come over because I was in a meeting and was startled to hear people in the house."
"Response was 'My bad.'"
"Saturday, I wrote, 'Please do NOT come to my house without notice. I had a guest over, and they had to leave in a hurry.'"
"Again, 'my bad.'"
"Then today I wrote that I rescind all permission to enter my property without prior communication and consent."
"The reply was 'I'll try to remember.'"
"I responded that 'trying' wasn't good enough and that I will take legal action if he doesn't stop."
"I have been divorced for 5years now."
"We share children."
"Ex (Max) now lives 5minutes away, after following me to the city 3 years ago (I had to move for one of our children's medical needs)."
"I own my house independently, and it was purchased after the divorce, so Max has no claims to my property."
"3 times in the last week, Max has arrived at my house with no notice."
"The first time was random, they collected the kids from school (not planned, they usually walk) and arrived to say hi or something."
"Then I had a 'friend' sleep over because the children were at Max's house and had to race around because Max's new partner, Sam (they met 4 weeks ago, Sam moved in on the first date, met the kids the following day), arrived with the children to collect a toy."
"I choose not to have new partners around the children for at least a year, and the friend who slept over is not a serious relationship, so they won't be meeting the children."
"This is not a jealousy issue; Max's last partner was lovely, and we were very friendly."
"I have also had a serious partner since the divorce, but that relationship ended 2 years ago."
"And today, when I was at work, Max came over to visit the teenagers without checking first."
"It feels very violating to have people in my home with no notice, especially when I know it's messy!"
"I have documented all this and have security camera footage."
"I have sent a message rescinding any permission to be on my property."
"My next step is legal action, but we have coparented well until now, with the kids going between houses when they want (but always checking first with both adults)."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for expecting notice before the ex comes to my house and not allowing them to come and go freely?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Try mediation first."
"Tell your ex that, unless given prior permission from you, they are not allowed to enter your home."
"Tell the children this, too: they can go out with their parents, as per normal."
"The parent is not allowed to enter your home; it's your home, and the other parent is not a part of your home."
"Just as friends don't turn up randomly without an invitation, the other parent is not allowed to either."
"I'd tell the other parent this is an attempt to draw up boundaries in an amicable manner."
"But you will escalate if needed." ~ Frankifile
"I know you think you are putting your kids first, but you are actually teaching them that it's ok to ignore reasonable boundaries."
"If their father is doing this to you, he will almost certainly push boundaries with his children, now and into the future."
"He is also teaching them that every whim should be followed, even if it's inconvenient for others, which is not something that will serve them well moving forward."
"Even the story about 'coming to get a toy', he should be teaching them that they can live without a toy for 2 days, and to do a better job at packing."
"Nothing about this is ultimately healthy for your children."
"You are prioritizing making him a 'good guy' over everything else." ~ SkibumG
"I could have written this, except replace teens with children, and it hasn't been going well at all for me."
"I honestly have had to be really blunt and minimise contact a lot, because he was overstepping a lot at the start of the year, felt like I had to break up with him over and over again."
"Only just recently has he started again, so I am back at square one."
"Thinking of getting a dog."
"Commenting to wait for advice on this too." ~ Automatic-Mess-2203
"NTA. It's very intrusive to have someone coming over unannounced, almost like they're checking up on you."
"It's unreasonable for him to turn up without asking you."
"You need to be vocal in front of the children, too."
"'No, Max, you can't come in. I have asked you to check in with me before you arrive. I appreciate you bringing the kids home, but you can't come in without arranging it first.'"
"And tell the teenagers you have asked him to let you know before he comes over and that they can (but not that they have to, to prevent parental alienation) tell him that he can't come in because he didn't check with you first." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA. This is your home, not a shared space, and showing up repeatedly without notice is a clear boundary violation." ~ ContributionWise7607
"NTA. H is though."
"I'd get in touch with a lawyer and draw up a formal letter detailing visiting protocol if you don't already have one from the divorce, and have the return communications through the lawyer."
"Next step would be a flat-out restraining order (or order of protection or whatever they are called in your area) to prohibit them from coming on the property." ~ Kayback2
"If the kids are old enough, maybe they should just meet him in front of the house or somewhere else."
"He does not need to be in the house."
"I suspect he's being nosy."
"I would also maybe find another place to meet up if the kids are not old enough." ~ Consistent-Ad3191
"NTA. It's completely rude to show up unannounced, and he lost any right to that level of familiarity the minute you divorced."
"I think you're doing the right things so far, so just keep documenting and communicating in writing."
"I don't know what the best course of action legally is, but sounds like you've already got a lawyer. Best of luck with this."
"As a side note, I'd keep an ear out about a new partner who moves in after the first date."
"That's a stranger being given very close access to your children." ~ DarthRedYoga
"NTA- change your locks."
"Why does he have a key?"
"If you have 100% custody, then stick to that until he realizes that he needs to respect you and your space." ~ ThatAd2403
"How long ago did you send a message indicating your ex does not have permission to come to your house without giving you notice?"
"Did the three surprise visits you've described occur after that message was sent?"
"This sounds like something to have an in-person conversation about, to set boundaries regarding unexpected/unannounced visits, and also to work out some protocols in relation to picking up the kids from school unexpectedly."
"Your ex needs to let you know when they're doing that, just as you should let them know if you're doing anything unexpected in relation to the kids."
"You both should have a clear sense of where your kids are at a particular time."
"It may seem fine to your ex to visit their teenage child on a whim, but different rules apply when they're an ex."
"That shouldn't be hard for your ex to understand."
"It should also be clearly understood that neither of you ever brings the children home unexpectedly unless you check first, because obviously, what you're doing at home can very much differ if you know your kids are not expected home.
"Would Max and Sam like their kids to unexpectedly walk in the door while they're having some uninhibited 'kids are not home' sex?"
"Again, this should all be obvious."
"But apparently it isn't, so have the conversation that's clearly needed.
"NTA, but maybe hold off on any kind of legal action until you've had proper conversations about this."
"If you've coparented amicably until now, this is likely all very solvable." ~ huminous
"My dad used to do this to my mom as a method of control."
"He used me as an excuse, but he didn't actually try to see me."
"Finally, one Christmas when he was getting mean about it, I told him to shove his presents up his butt."
"He couldn't use me as an excuse after that. NTA." ~ 99-cabbages
"NTA, but you may find it tricky if your kids are inviting him - maybe have a conversation with them as well, about not inviting /allowing anyone (including their dad) into the house without your prior agreement (you can give blanket permission for any individual friends who visit regularly)."
"In the first instance, speak to your ex and just explain that it isn't directed just at him, you aren't comfortable with anyone coming into your home without your prior knowledge and consent." ~ ProfessorYaffle1
"NTA, there needs to be clear instructions to the children and to him in writing preferred, noting that he is not permitted to come into your home and that he's only allowed to come to your home to exchange the children with foreign knowledge." ~ Icy-Doctor23
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your ex is completely out of line.
This is your home, your rules.
He has no right to barge in.
Stay firm and stand your ground.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp