One thing you can almost always count on when it comes to planning a wedding: Most families are going to have a lot of opinions.
For one person on Reddit, their opinions on their brother’s wedding turned into a heated conflict when they insisted the wedding following the traditions of their family and the brother balked, opting for a more unique event.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Salt-Celebration-892 on the site, wasn’t sure about how they’d handled it, so they went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my brother that his and his fiancées choices for their wedding are offensive and ridiculous?”
They explained:
“My brother is getting married and he’s excited to share details with us for the wedding. We all offered to help whenever they needed to. At first I was excited to help until I found out what kind of thing the wedding will be. Now not one person in my side of the family is excited to help with the planning and the wedding in general.”
“First of all in my family we honor traditions. My brother claims he’s none traditional and neither is his fiancée so tradition will play a small role in their wedding but their wedding won’t be centered around it. That means no traditional music or practices we have regarding the ceremony or even the reception.”
“I told him it’s sh*tty to do a non traditional wedding when most of our family are people of tradition and he shouldn’t expect people to enjoy the wedding if it’s like a club. He said that’s not his problem to deal with and that whoever doesn’t like it can simply not attend. This pissed me off because wedding is also about families and he doesn’t seem to take our opinions into consideration at all.”
“He also decided not to invite many relatives and chose to keep his budget low and decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends. My mother, father and I tried to talk him out of it but he said the next time we try to police what he’ll do with the wedding he’ll consider removing us from the planning and anything related to the wedding.”
“I tried to talk some sense into the bride but she wouldn’t give me a straight answer whenever I’d try to speak with her she would only say stuff like ‘we will see’ or ‘we’ll think about it’. My brother cussed me off for trying to put his fiancée in an uncomfortable position and claimed that I’m trying to guilt trip and manipulate her.”
“I told him that I can’t support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans because they’re offensive to our family and that they’re being ridiculous by removing everything traditional from it. He claims I’m an AH.”
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this conflict based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And they were absolutely not here for OP’s drama.
“Initially I thought you were going to tell us that your brother was doing something very offensive like having a plantation wedding in black face, but the only thing your brother and his fiancé want to do is have the wedding they want.”
“YTA and if you stopped trying to push your choices on them for just a little while you might find that you CAN ‘enjoy the wedding if it’s like a club'” –road2healthy
“Yeah, I kept waiting to read something offensive and it didn’t happen.”
“My wedding was very un-traditional and we had a few relatives who struggled with it – but not like OP. My MIL approached me and said something like ‘this isn’t at all how I’d plan this event, but I want you to know that I understand it’s about you guys – just give me a minute to adjust.’”
“Later, everyone said it was the most fun wedding they’d been to. Sometimes new ideas work out, but you won’t know if you’re busy having tantrums about something you don’t actually get a say in anyway.” –Captain_Quoll
“After reading the actual post, OP, how could you possibly think you’re not the a**hole? Everything your brother said is right and take your future SIL’s dodging of your questions for what they are: her trying to get you to leave her alone about her wedding.” –egrass
“…How’s the saying go? Traditions are peer pressure from the dead? And OP says ‘no traditional music or practices WE have regarding the ceremony or even the reception’. I’m sorry-is this a group wedding? Why does your music or traditions matter? Brother claims (?) that he’s non traditional. Not sure why OP says he’s claiming it.”
“Just because the rest of the family tends to keep up with the Joneses doesn’t mean that the brother has to. If the family is so offended by him planning HIS wedding the way he and his bride want it, they can kick rocks and stay home.” –majorzucchini5315
“‘First of all in my family we honor traditions.'”
“You don’t get to decide that just because you and other family members follow traditions means your brother has to. He’s allowed to make his own decisions and it’s sh*tty behavior to judge him for not doing his wedding the way you want him too.”
“‘This pissed me off because wedding is also about families'”
“Um, no they’re not. Weddings are about the couple getting married and sharing that with the people who are supposed to love and support them.”
“‘He also decided not to invite many relatives and chose to keep his budget low and decided to take relatives off the guest list so he could invite more friends. My mother, father and I tried to talk him out'”
“Did you offer to pay to cover the extra expenses of extra guests?”
“‘I tried to talk some sense into the bride'”
“No, you tried to guilt her into giving in and making their wedding suit you and your family instead of the couple.”
“‘I told him that I can’t support and be ok with his wedding choices and plans because they’re offensive to our family and that they’re being ridiculous by removing everything traditional from it.'”
“The only one being ridiculous here is you. Stop trying to control their wedding, it isn’t your place to do so. YTA” –GlitterSparkleDevine
“Weddings aren’t holidays, which, especially for non-religious families, are as much about family as religion. Weddings are literally about celebrating the couple and their love/dedication for one another.”
“OP is literally just offended that their brother isn’t having a wedding that’s predominantly a celebration of family instead of, y’know, a wedding.”
“Also, I’d much rather have a wedding full of my close friends who actually supported me rather than dozens of relatives I barely know and who expect me to cater my entire wedding day around them and their expectations.” –DumpstahKat
“YTA – it’s his wedding. His wishes. You, as the brother, should not be trying to control it.”
“If his friends are more supportive and present in his life, then they deserve spots over family.”
“I would’ve removed all of you from the wedding planning long ago. Nothing he’s doing is rude, disrespectful, or strange.”
“You are absolutely trying to manipulate and guilt trip his fiance.”
“His choices don’t have to coddle your beliefs. If they’re offensive to you, don’t go. But you’re just upset your ego doesn’t get to dictate the wedding your brother wants.” –brandy8marie
“YTA. Whatever their wacky or reasonable plans may be, he’s made it clear where they stand: “..whoever doesn’t like it can simply not attend.” I assume here he and his fiancee are doing all this without any financial support from your family…?”
“So let them make their decisions and then you can make yours.” –RB1327
“I love your brother. What’s so offensive about a small intimate wedding where the bride and groom actually enjoy themselves? Get off your high horse and celebrate your brother. There is nothing offensive in his wedding. I was honestly waiting for you to describe a theme party where everything is erotic or something.” –fatsoq8
“With respect, YTA.”
“I understand there’s a culture around this, and that’s understandable! But if he’s non traditional and so is his future wife, it makes sense that they wouldn’t want a typically traditional wedding.”
“Keeping costs down isn’t an a**hole move on your brothers part, and your brother is right in that you trying to convince his fiancée was a way to manipulate her, consciously or not.”
“Weddings are for family, yes, but they’re also for the people who are getting married. It’s ultimately their day. You’re entitled to feeling hurt and even angry that it isn’t traditional. You’re not entitled to putting that anger on his shoulders when this is a time for love and celebration.” –gaydaryl
Hopefully OP can learn to respect their brother’s wishes in the future.