Gaslighting is defined as "a form of psychological abuse and manipulation" where one party makes another party doubt their own "perceptions, experiences, and sanity." Gaslighting can be one on one or involve multiple people.
The term 'gaslighting' comes from Patrick Hamilton's 1938 play Gas Light (also performed under the title Angel Street). The play was adapted into film twice—a 1940 British version and the more famous 1944 American version starring Ingrid Bergman.
The plot, set in the Victorian era before electric lighting, centers around a husband attempting to steal from his wife. When he goes to the attic and turns on the lights to search for jewels he believes her mother left there, the gas powered lights in the rest of the house dim.
But he convinces his wife it's all in her mind and that she's going insane—and the term gaslighting entered popular language.
Experts categorize gaslighting into five types:
- lying
- coercion
- scapegoating
- reality questioning
- trivializing
Each type manipulates the victim's perception and undermines their confidence. Both abusers and their enablers use the tactic to convince their victims that they're overreacting and are the problem, instead of the person behaving in an unacceptable manner.
A newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her family convinced her she was wrong to call out her cousin for his inappropriate behavior at her wedding and her aunt for trivializing it.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Better_Jellyfish_ asked:
"AITAH for going nuclear on my aunt at my own wedding after her son harassed my sister-in-law (SIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my wedding was two weeks ago and I feel like I'm living in the wreckage of a bomb I set off myself. I'm so lost and I need to know if I'm the monster my family is making me out to be."
"I (28, female) just married the love of my life (30, male). His family is Arab Muslim, and they are, without exaggeration, the best people I have ever known."
"I'm an only child and my own family is really 'complicated'. And husband's family welcomed me with open arms from day one, so for the first time, I felt like I had a real, supportive family unit."
"I'm basically an only child."
"My half-brother from my dad's side is much older and he currently lives in Japan, and even though we don't talk much, he still called me to congratulate me. As for my parents, they weren't even supportive of my marriage until I told them I'd cut them off if they kept pushing.
"So yeah, I already knew going in that I couldn't count on them for anything but drama.
"The wedding itself was perfect, for a while. Everyone was happy, even my parents were smiling at some point."
"Then there's my cousin, 'Mark' (35, male). My aunt begged me to invite him and honestly—and yes I regret this—I couldn't really say no because I didn't want any drama.
"Mark is a walking disaster. He is a womanizer, has three children with three different women he abandoned, and his own father is the one sending them money."
"He's just a user. But for my aunt, the sun shines out of his backside."
"So the night is winding down when I hear a scream. Not a happy one. I turn and see my youngest sister-in-law, 'Layla' (19, female), backed against a wall."
"My cousin Mark is standing in front of her, and he's dripping wet. She's the one who screamed, and she's holding an empty water glass."
"So when I rushed over, Layla was visibly trembling. My other SIL told me what happened."
"Mark had cornered her, telling her she was 'too pretty to be hiding under that thing' (her hijab) and that she was 'wasting her perfect face'. Then, the part that made me even angrier, he apparently reached out and tried to tug it off her head to 'see her beautiful hair'."
"Backstory: my SIL had a traumatic accident years ago, and ever since then, she's been uncomfortable around men. Even hugging her own dad and brother took years of patience and trust."
"So for her to be cornered at my wedding by my cousin telling her to take off her hijab, saying she was 'too pretty' to be covering her hair, and pushing her like that…she was literally shaking."
"My older SIL, who is a force of nature, was already there and getting in his face. It was about to get physical."
"My father-in-law calmly stepped between them, looked at Mark, and said quietly, but with absolute finality, 'It is time for you to leave my son's wedding'."
"I thought that would be the end of it and was ready to console Layla. But then my aunt, Mark's mother, stormed over."
"She said, 'You can't kick him out! He was just joking with her! She's being too sensitive!' First it was 'he was complimenting her' then it became 'he was just joking'."
"Before I could even speak, my own mother pipes up, 'I'm sorry but she's right. This is a huge overreaction. Mark didn't mean any harm, that's just how he is'."
"Seeing Layla still shaking and looking so scared, and hearing my OWN mother defend this creep who had just assaulted my new sister… a switch flipped inside me and I just snapped."
"I looked straight at my aunt and said, 'No, he needs to leave. Now'."
"She started up again, 'OP, you are not going to disrespect your family like this!'."
"And I just let her have it. 'My family? You don't get to lecture me about family, this is actually why your own is broken. This blind worship of your useless, good-for-nothing son is the reason you have one child who ruins every event he attends, and another who hasn't spoken to you in five years. And you dare wonder why your own daughter went no-contact? It's because of THIS. Because you will always choose him over the people he hurts. So yes, he is leaving and you can leave with him if you want'."
"The entire area went dead silent. Then my aunt started crying and stormed out with my cousin and my parents trailing behind after they gave me one of their classic 'you are a disappointment' looks."
"My phone has been a nightmare since. Texts from my parents calling me cruel, vicious, and saying I used a family tragedy (my other cousin leaving) as a weapon. Telling me about how my aunt has just been sending them messages about how I broke her heart."
"My husband had been supportive, he kept telling me I was just defending Layla and that my family showed their true colors. But I can't get rid of these moments of guilt."
"Mark was 100% in the wrong. I've already cut him off, I don't want him anywhere near me or my husband's family again."
"But the part I keep thinking about is what I said to my aunt. I don't regret defending my SIL (she was scared out of her mind, and I will always pick her over him), but maybe I went too far bringing up her daughter leaving."
"I know that's a sore spot and I basically twisted the knife. I feel like I dropped a nuke to win a fistfight and now my entire family is radioactive."
"I've been tying myself in knots for days trying to figure out what to say to them, or if I should say anything at all."
"My first instinct was to write like a long, drawn-out message. You know, that kind where I try to apologize for the timing and my specific wording, but then follow it up with a strongly-worded 'but I will never apologize for defending Layla'."
"I wanted to play peacemaker and warrior at the same time, and it's just making my head spin."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
"NTA—it sounds like you said something that was way overdue and honestly, your family got off easy. Your cousin physically assaulted your SIL."
"Don't look back. You did the right thing." ~ MonkeyPolice
"You have a new, truly loving family now. Your old family made their choice. Leave them in the dirt where they belong." ~ redditor-addict
"It's clear who truly supports you and focusing on that is what matters." ~ offbeat529
"Your aunt probably insisted he come because she thought he'd 'meet a nice girl'. She is as big a monster as he is because she enables and excuses his actions."
"Your parents sound like they do not have your back in any way. I hope you can cut them off before you (if you) decide to have children."
"You did GREAT. You protected someone who really needed to be protected and I assure you if you had not, worse would have happened, though that was pretty bad. Congrats on marrying into a family that deserves you." ~ ambigua
"You spoke the truth, you defended an innocent woman. Absolutely nothing about that should make you feel bad, regardless of who you defended them against."
"Grief over a dead or dying relationship is perfectly normal, and the closer that relationship, the harsher the grief will be. What you are describing, however, is not grief. It's guilt."
"The fact that this is tearing you up needs to be looked at and is cause for introspection. I have a feeling you will find a lifetime of gaslighting, marganilizing, and guilt trips at the hands of your family that likely only therapy will help you pick through, digest, and accept as truth."
"NTA. Surround yourself with those that support you, that show through both action and word that they have your best interest at heart." ~ fireballmatt
The OP provided an update:
"So, I'm trying to write this without getting emotional, but I'm failing. I've just been sitting here with tears in my eyes watching this post blow up."
"It might sound small, but seeing this level of support, even from strangers on the internet, has genuinely helped me see this whole situation with so much more clarity. Thank you. I'm not even exaggerating when I say thank you from the bottom of my heart, y'all are wonderful."
"I know it's obvious I'm not the jerk for defending Layla. She deserves the world, and I would do it again in a heartbeat, no regrets. I just wanted to ask for advice because when you grow up in a certain way, it's hard to trust your own judgment."
"My parents are masters of making you feel like you're the crazy one. Their family motto might as well have been, 'If we think it's good, then it is. If we think it's bad, then it is'. The lines between right and wrong were always blurred for me, and unlearning that has been a lifelong project."
"Meeting my now-husband was the turning point. He's so kind, respectful, and supportive, and he showed me what a healthy family dynamic actually looks like. And I really can't wait for a future full of him and our shared happiness!"
"Now for the important part: Layla is doing better. I called her a few hours after the post, and she immediately started apologizing and saying she felt bad for 'ruining' the night. I immediately shut that down and told her that what happened was 100% Mark's fault. His behavior was awful, and she did nothing wrong."
"I actually apologized to her for him even being there and for him putting her through that at my wedding. We talked for a while, and she told me she's been seeing a therapist for a while now to work through her trauma, which I think is just incredible of her. Honestly she's so strong and amazing."
"While I got some truly vile DMs, the overwhelming majority have been incredible. I want to especially thank the Hijabi and Arab women who messaged me. Hearing your stories, and how you felt for Layla and understood her experience, just made me tear up."
"It's painful, but the support I saw gave me so much hope for a world where girls everywhere can just exist without being harassed. It's a beautiful contrast to the one guy who DMed me to 'save' me and Layla from my supposedly oppressive in-laws because according to the natural law 'Muslims just get more conservative after marriage'."
"His message was just a sad reminder that some people will use any tragedy, like the suffering of women in Iran, to fuel their own racism while pretending to be a hero."
"Just to be clear: I've known my husband for eight years. I've traveled to his home country with him multiple times and met his huge extended family. Some of his female cousins wear the hijab, some don't. They are all devout, happy, and would have a good laugh at the idea that they're being secretly tortured by evil Muslim men."
"I absolutely hate it when people weaponize the very real and horrific struggle of others to push their own bigoted worldview. Please don't make assumptions or project weird racist fantasies onto my family and my sister's lived experience."
"And that brings me to one last thing I really want to make clear. I've been on this earth for 28 years and I've met every kind of person imaginable. Bad people are just bad, and good people are good. It has nothing to do with their faith, their race, or where they come from."
"I would hate for my post to become a platform for any kind of bigotry. The focus here is on my parents/aunt enabling a harasser, and a young woman's trauma being dismissed. Not on inventing weird scenarios about a family I see, love, and laugh with regularly."
"As for my parents, I took your advice. I sent a final (very short) message and blocked them. The only response was a predictable email from my dad saying he'd be 'ready to listen' when I was 'ready to apologize. Yeah, he'll be waiting a long time."
"Thank you all again. You've given me a sense of peace and validation I didn't even know I was looking for. I really, really appreciate it."
OP is seeing things more clearly for what they are.
She spoke a truth that her family doesn't want to hear in the wake of them defending an assault by a 35-year-old man on a 19-year-old girl.
While it's painful to know her blood family chooses to support and enable an abusive man even on her wedding day, she has a new family that values her.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp