Redditor an_altt is a transgender man who mentioned to his parents that he was considering adoption as a single parent.
As a result of his declaration, their casual family dinner devolved into a heated argument where some harsh words were spoken.
He didn’t mince words when he later visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my parents that they can f’k off if they don’t want me adopting?”
“I, (M ) and my parents both 50 and other older people, got in argument over my adopting.”
“I’m single and I want to adopt. I told them about it at dinner, with my other extended family, and it sparked an argument.”
The Original Poster (OP) wrote a post that revisited his unpleasant dinner conversation with the family.
“Basically went like this:”
“(Family member says something about someone adopting.)”
“Me: ‘I’ve been thinking of adopting, actually.'”
“My Mother: ‘Why?'”
“Me: ‘I want children.'”
“Mother: ‘Do you want drug babies? Nobody’s going to let a SINGLE MAN to adopt anyways.'”
“Me: ‘Just because they are ‘drugs babies’ doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have love.'”
“Mother: “Hmph, men can’t raise kids alone anyways! All you’re going to do is f’k them up!”
“Me: ‘Well guess what? A couple of 19 year olds f’ked me up the same!'”
“Etc, etc. You get the idea. I left, angry. The next day, my extended family who witnessed this said I was going to far and that I was being an a**hole.”
In edit, the OP clarified his sexual identity.
“For those asking why I can’t have biologically children, it’s because I’m transgender. And I’m asexual. And I have no partner, obviously.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
“NTA. That was nasty and rude of them. Go be an awesome father to someone who needs one!” – bleachfoamspray
“NTA. But if/when you do adopt, protect that child/children from your parents. They may not accept them as your children, their grandchildren, and that would be so hurtful to those children.”
“You may need to put boundaries and restrictions up with them if you decide to pursue adoption.” – usernameawesome1
The OP responded to the above comment.
“Of course, I’m not letting my kids near those a**holes. We’ve gotten into another argument over the phone so, I don’t think I’ll be seeing her very soon.”
He was given some helpful information about adopting.
“Depending on where you live, you can tell your caseworker that you are interested in fostering with the intention to adopt, so they can make sure to match you only with foster children who are already legally free to be adopted.” – Impressive-Reindeer1
However, several Redditors cautioned that fostering isn’t for everybody.
“While it’s true that fostering can be quicker, it can also be a lot more nerve wrecking.”
“My cousin wanted to foster, because they always wanted a bigger family and couldn’t have more than one kid for health reasons. Having to watch these kids they loved going back to abusive parents who promised they’d gotten better (they really hadn’t), destroyed them.”
“After fostering three kids in two years, they had to stop for their own mental health.” – tidyplayings
“Thank you for bringing this up. A lot of people see fostering as a shortcut to adoption, but the two are really different animals.”
“If you want a child to become part of your family, adoption is the route. If you want to foster because you genuinely want to help kids going through rough transitions, fostering is for you. Fostering may lead to adoption, but that road is rocky and uncertain.” – gofyourselftoo
But the OP’s noble intentions were commended.
“NTA. Respect sir for wanting to adopt. Too few people do. Children should know love. Doesn’t matter what circumstances brought them into the world.” – DirtyDath
“Mate, good on you for willing to help a child get a better life. Major respects to you. NTA 100%” – Glass_Varis
“NTA. In fact, you’re a saint. As an adopted kid myself, I thank you. Adoption is a wonderful thing.” – maximumslanketry
“NTA: your a grown-a** man and can make your own decisions.”
“My mum works with kids in out of home care and oh my god the amount of kids their are that need good homes is beyond appalling. I say if you are dedicated and willing to put in the time to providing a safe and loving home for a child, go for it. F’k everyone else.” – doomdoom15
“NTA it’s very odd she thinks all babies up for adoption are ‘drug babies’ that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Anyone could have an unwanted pregnancy, forms of birth control sometimes fail, or maybe the couple is just too young and makes an impulsive decision.” – cheeseburgervixen
“Obviously NTA. Those are some outdated views on parenthood. Good on you for wanting to help a kid who has no one and to be a good parent.”
“Also, not all kids up for adoption are ‘drug babies.’ That’s wildly offensive and misinformed. There are myriads if reason kids end up in the system.” – P00perSc00per89
Many Redditors tried to give the OP some hope in his quest to become an adoptive parent.
“Hiya! Foster/someday adoptive parent here, cis woman married to a trans man. Obviously NTA.”
“I just want to add to the chorus, but also say that while it definitely varies by state, here in CA we have so far encountered zero transphobia and we know several single men who have become parents through our agency. Feel free to DM me if you want to pick my brain about anything.”
“Good luck, you sound lovely!” – lightwoodorchestra
“NTA. Adopted kid here. I think what you’re doing is admirable. It is harder to adopt as single male but not impossible. Also, not all adopted kids are drug babies and those drug babies need love too.”
“I was born with FAS and I’m currently getting my MBA. Don’t fault children for things they can’t control.” – Snuggleaporcupine
“NTA. I wish you and your possible child the best. It’s tough enough for a LGBT couple to adopt, let alone a single male. Any positive difference a person can make can only improve our society.” – threwaway098765
The OP responded:
“Thank you! It’s even worse since I’m trans too… At least they support me on being trans? And thank you for the flattery even though I’m not sure if I deserve it.”
Overall, Redditors supported the OP’s choice for adoption and slammed the mother for her judgmental view of adoptive children.