People grieve in so many different ways.
And sometimes, the way one person grieves can turn others off.
But every process is personal.
So how can people peacefully grieve together?
Redditor GoatUnfair4120 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for calling my sister an attention wh*re because she's making my grandma's death all about her?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My grandma died a little over a week ago."
"My sister (19) was supposed to stay the night with her in the hospital."
"We were all there until around 9:30, and she was fine."
"She was sitting up and talking."
"At 2:30, some cop was knocking on our door to tell us that she was dead and to take us to the hospital."
"She had a heart attack."
"In my culture, when someone dies, you open their house so anybody can pay their respects."
"Like my mom and aunt seriously posted her address on social media with dates and times."
"I have to say that my sister is the 'perfect' one, and that role is very important to her."
"She has a tiny body, great skin, piercing blue eyes, and springy blonde curls."
"She literally looks like a Disney princess."
"Nobody in our family even has blonde hair or blue eyes or curly hair, except for like a couple of my grandparents' siblings."
"She's also a preschool teacher (in my state, you can get a certificate after a year of college and a certain number of hours in the classroom) and works with kids outside of the classroom, so now she teaches all of the little cousins and has people coming to her for advice and really makes a spectacle of her being great with kids."
"So, anyway, we had the open house thing, and people she didn't even know kept coming to her and telling her that she was our grandma's favorite and how proud our grandma was of her."
"Then somebody asked how she was doing after seeing her die and my sister goes on and on about how it was the scariest thing in her life and how when she knew grandma was going to die she tried calling us but we all slept through it and how after grandma died, she had to call one of her preschool parents to wake us up and take us to the hospital because she didn't know how else to reach us."
"I swear she told that story at least 20 times between the 2 nights."
"When she wasn't telling that story, she was showing off all of her jewelry that my grandma apparently gave her, but before her death, she insisted they were fakes from Amazon or talking about her other job working with kids and giving advice on which public library is the best for toddlers and showing pictures of the vacation her boss took her on."
"It was all about her."
"After the 2nd night, I told her she doesn't have to be an attention wh*re."
"We get it."
"She's perfect, and she was grandma's favorite person in the world, and she does like the best job for women in our culture and knows everything about little kids, but grandma's death isn't about her."
"I got in trouble because she's 'traumatized' and she and grandma had a special relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Now my sister is pissed with me, and my parents are trying to pretend like nothing happened, but they still want me to apologize, so AITA for calling her an attention wh*re?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Wow, YTA."
"Sounds like you resent your sister for how you perceive her to be better than you."
"Like, what does your sister's blonde hair and blue eyes have anything to do with your grandma's death or funeral?"
"Seems like you're giving context on how YOU feel she's better than you."
"And now that she's reasonably grieving (as I'm sure you all are), you verbally attack her."
"Oh, she's talking about her job?"
"When you experience the death of someone close, you try to find other things to focus on so you can be less burdened with the crushing grief."
"Serious YTA, and you probably need to address within yourself why you resent your sister so much." ~ Traditional-Cash38
"YTA, I came here to say this but was afraid to be downvoted to oblivion!"
"Reddit got this one right!" ~ Delicious-Cause-9000
"YTA. Nothing about your sister's actions suggests she was being an 'attention seeker.'"
"What it does show is your own insecurity toward her."
"It sounds like your sister was the only one with your grandma when she passed, and that's deeply traumatic, especially for someone young."
"Also, what do her looks or her profession have to do with any of this?" ~ Chyeahhhales
"YTA. Your jealousy is the AH here."
"Look at how you described your sister."
"People were coming up and talking to her."
"You didn't say she was going around showing off, family members were coming in and out, and they were talking to her."
"She is doing what she is supposed to do: She's talking to a whole group of people she doesn't know and giving them information."
"You never mentioned any relationship you had with your grandma."
"Did you have one?"
"How old are you exactly?"
"What are you doing with your life that others aren't interested in?"
"I mean, what exactly do you want her to do?"
"I mean, did you do anything to make this process easier for everyone?"
"Did you go to talk to people?"
"Did you do anything besides sit there and get angry at your sister for talking to relatives?" ~ Syric13
OP answered...
"We weren't that close."
"She wanted me to lose weight and stop going out with my friends as much, and learn her native language, and I didn't like her criticism."
Reddit continued...
"A few months ago, I sat by someone's bedside while they died."
"I was the one who did the days straight, no sleep, overnight at the hospital so the rest of the family could rest (he made it through the night, though, so I wasn't alone at the end)."
"It was the most traumatic thing I've ever gone through."
"You're not wrong for leaving."
"You needed rest, and you, like my family, are not the bad guy for getting sleep."
"But your sister was the one who stayed, and because of that, she is traumatized."
"She's not seeking 'attention', she's seeking comfort."
"And connection."
"And meaning."
"And she's probably acting erratically because one moment it feels fine and the next moment holy shit I watched someone die."
"And she's nineteen."
"I understand that you're grieving too."
"But that's why they tell people to support in and lean out."
"You don't have to be here for your sister."
"You're both in the same inner circle of grief, and you both get to lean out."
"But you don't get to s**t on her grief either, just because you clearly have some other bone to pick with her. YTA." ~ slu**ychristmastree
"YTA. I stopped reading halfway through because this post is just you ranting about how jealous you are of your sister."
"Your grandma just died, and this is what you're putting your energy into? Embarrassing." ~ Fair_Theme_9388
"YTA. She told the story 20 times because people came to listen 20 times."
"It's not like everyone showed up all at once, and she went out into the community to tell it more." ~ PM_ME_LANCECATAMARAN
"Are you not making your grandma's passing about your dislike/jealousy of your sister?"
"By the sound of it, your 19-year-old sister was alone with your grandma in the hospital when your grandma had a heart attack, and your sister couldn't reach the rest of the family."
"That is scary to go through on your own, unable to get a hold of anyone else."
"It's not that weird that people are approaching her and checking in on her and asking what happened."
"She might be the golden child, and your jealousy might otherwise be understandable or even justified for all we know, but in this specific situation, at least you made your grandma's passing about your jealousy by attacking your sister in that way, instead of focusing on honoring your grandma's memory. YTA." ~ chonkosaurusrexx
"This. Being there when someone dies or being the person to find them is absolutely traumatic."
"The sister needs normalcy right now."
"For a lot of people, normalcy means talking about their jobs and lives."
"That's a personally normal thing for people to discuss when gathering for end-of-life events because it's a normalcy that people need to help them cope with the reason they've been brought together." ~ Emily-Persephone
"YTA, you may be grieving, but your sister, parents, and family are too."
"Your jealousy of your sister will ruin your relationship if you don't work through it."
"Apologize, go to therapy, or deal with your jealousy." ~ lostcollegehuman303
"YTA. Your sister's appearance has nothing to do with this, nor does her profession."
"I'm sorry you didn't have a relationship with your grandmother as close as she did."
"I'm sorry you're both grieving."
"But this is written like a jealous, teenage sibling, and the way you behaved tells me you have a hell of a lot of maturing to do." ~ cigaretteRoomba
"YTA. Nothing you said indicates that she made your grandmother's death about her."
"Seeing your grandmother die and not being able to reach anyone when she did must have been awful."
"You simply sound incredibly jealous of her." ~ Various-Ocelot-2209
"YTA. This entire post was about how you resent your sister because she's pretty and works with children." ~ Fetagirl
Well, OP, Reddit is not thrilled with your response.
It's a tough time.
Maybe discuss all of this when emotions aren't as raw.
Sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp