Some people are just obnoxious bullies. But they don't achieve that status on their own.
They require enablers. People who excuse their behavior and insist others do as well.
A woman tired of her sister's constant negativity and belittling comments turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
FunnyFox8496 asked:
"AITA for refusing to invite my sister to my wedding because of how she treated me during my engagement?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (27, female) am currently planning my wedding, which is in a few months. My sister (30, female) and I have had a rocky relationship for a while, but I still considered her important enough to be part of my big day."
"However, things changed drastically over the past year. When I got engaged, I was super excited and naturally shared the news with family first."
"My sister didn't react the way I expected. Instead of being happy for me, she seemed almost dismissive and changed the subject whenever I brought up the wedding."
"I tried to ignore it, thinking she might just be going through her own stuff. But then, every time we'd get together with family, she'd make subtle digs about my wedding choices."
"She'd say things like, 'Oh, you're doing a small wedding? That's… different', or, 'I hope the food won't be too cheap'. It felt like she was constantly judging everything I'd planned."
"I confronted her once, asking if she had an issue with the wedding, and she just laughed it off, saying I was being 'too sensitive'. The tipping point came a month ago at a family gathering."
"She made a joke about how 'it's a miracle anyone would put up with me for life', right in front of my fiancé and his family. I was mortified."
"I pulled her aside and asked her to stop, but she got defensive, saying she was just 'joking' and that I needed to 'relax'."
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, and honestly, I don't want her negative energy on my wedding day. I want it to be a happy, drama-free day."
"So, I decided not to invite her, and of course, that caused a huge fallout with my family. My parents think I'm overreacting and that I'm tearing the family apart, but I feel like I need to prioritize my own peace and happiness."
"I'm just making things easier for her, too—no need for either of us to be uncomfortable."
"It does feel unfair that my parents haven't addressed her behavior directly. I've tried to handle it myself, but maybe it's time they step in."
"I feel like I've tried to be polite about it, but the constant digs are too much. I'll definitely ask my parents why they're okay with her behavior, but not my boundaries."
"It feels like they're enabling her behavior. I honestly don't know why they let it slide, but it's not fair to keep putting it on me to 'be the bigger person'."
"AITA for uninviting my sister from my wedding because of her constant negativity?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I chose to uninvite my sister from my wedding because of her constant negative remarks and the impact they had on my peace of mind."
"I might be the a**hole because, instead of addressing the issue further with her or finding a way to set boundaries, I just excluded her, which hurt her and caused family drama."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Anyone who would tell you, 'it's a miracle anyone would put up with you for life' should not be invited to your wedding. Your sister is going to struggle in life if that's how she treats people."
"And that's definitely not a joke."
"Tell your parents that your sister's behavior is offensive and that she's the one who damaged the family relationship. Recommend that they get her therapy." ~ teresajs
"She's carried on like this for a year and you have spoken to her several times. Each time you are dismissed and labelled 'sensitive'."
"At 30 years of age, she should know how to behave better. Your parents feel you're tearing the family apart? Is there a reason they haven't spoken to her about her obvious issues and poor manners?"
"Should you just let it go and hope she doesn't pull a stunt at your wedding? You are NTA here, but your parents have failed by taking sides and failing to act as parents."
"Honestly, your sister sounds like a jealous little girl who can't sort out her own feelings and instead takes them out on you. That's not fair."
"I'm so sorry you've been put in this position and I truly hope your wedding is every bit as beautiful and magical as you hope it will be. Congratulations on finding your one." ~ Miss_Melody_Pond
"'Be the bigger person' is code for 'Take the abuse for the sake of other peoples' comfort'. Meaning they will have to answer awkward questions instead of standing up for you. They are spineless against her and anyone who might ask why she isn't there."
"You do not need to live in what I love to call 'Dishonest Harmony'. Stand your ground. Stand up for yourself and hopefully your fiancée does too."
"It is and will be hard. Hopefully things work out better by the time your wedding day is here. NTA." ~ Meschugena
"You caught on to this a lot faster than I did when my sister started doing it! NTA if you uninvite her."
"Behavior like that has consequences. Who would want someone like this at their wedding anyway?"
"Congrats! I hope it's an incredible day followed by an even more incredible marriage!" ~ Runns_withScissors
"NTA. Your sister sounds jealous as Feck!!! However, think long and hard about what possible ramifications it will have in your family if you do exclude her."
"But before excluding her, with your parents and fiancé in the room, tell her point blank that if she can't be happy for you and stop being so negative, then she won't be welcome. A wedding is a place for positive energy and love, not backstabbing." ~ Comfortable-Sea-2454
"Only invite people who will bring joy. She sounds like an emotional vampire. NTA." ~ Routine-Friend-7585
"You can invite or not invite whomever you please. There will always be a reaction to not inviting an immediate family member or going child-free, for example. More people will decline when this happens, it's just how it works."
"In your specific case, you are NTA."
"When your sister or parents defend her words as jokes, ask them 'What part was meant to be funny? The part where she degraded me in front of my family or the disrespect she has displayed all these months? Really, which part is funny?'."
"They won't have a good response. Your parents and their flying monkeys may not attend your wedding in 'support of your sister'. Good riddance."
"You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support you unconditionally on your wedding day. The people who don't come are telling you that they only conditionally support you."
"It sucks, but now you know who they really are and you won't have to expend more energy than they give you. And with fewer people, you can shift your budget to the extra wedding thing you weren't able to afford before! Win!" ~ HighlyImprobable42
"If you addressed it once, that should have been enough. Instead of backing off, she doubled down and went into personal attacks. NTA."
"As to causing a family rift, you're being put in the 'let's make the reasonable person cave, as it's easier than confronting the unreasonable one'. Seems a common theme on family drama." ~ BlindUmpBob
"NTA. She is a bully and you are her favourite victim. You wouldn't invite your bully to your wedding, right?
"Her being your blood relative doesn't give her a free pass to treat you this way. Your sister's action are tearing your family apart.
"Also, tell everyone who is not in your corner, 'You are overreacting. It's just a wedding'. That could shut them up." ~ Danube_Kitty
"NTA—you can invite whomever you want to your wedding."
"And have you noticed that it's always a 'joke' and that the person asking for someone to stop saying something rude or obnoxious is always humourless or unable to take a joke, rather than people accepting the bully is f*cked up?"
"Your sister is the one splitting the family, not you." ~ SirGuestWho
"I'm petty and mean. Take something that she is sensitive about and start making jokes about it."
"See how long it takes for her to flip out. Then, remind her that you are both over sensitive and unable to take a joke. Be willing to stop after she stops her b*tchy comments."
"If she doesn't, she obviously can dish it out and not take it." ~ NotAllStarsTwinkle
"NTA. The relationship with your sister is already rocky, so I assume there's more than just this. She's now just tipping it over the edge, but since you're the one who makes the decision to not invite her, you're getting the blame."
"I would consider telling everyone who says you're tearing the family apart that she's doing just that by being dismissive about you, your fiancé and your relationship. You're allowed to have boundaries, and you are allowed to expect people to respect them."
"Be clear that you only want support at your wedding, and right now, your sister isn't showing any. If they still think sister is in the right here, thank them for showing how much they care about you and your happiness, and don't invite them to your wedding either." ~ EatThisShirt
The OP may not have her parents' support, but she got plenty online. Seems like sis will be sitting this wedding out unless she changes her ways.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp