Some people say family should always help family out, but any good therapist will tell you boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship—no matter if it's romantic, platonic, professional, or familial.
One boundary more people need to set is one of mutual respect. If someone doesn't respect you or treats you poorly, you don't owe them your respect or kindness.
Too often people mistreat others, but still expect everyone to bend over backwards for them.
A brother who set a boundary with his sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
TechnicianNo8751 asked:
"AITA for refusing to lend my sister my house for her 'self-care retreat' after she constantly criticizes my lifestyle?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, male) own a small house in a quiet area where I often go to unwind. It's my sanctuary even if I don't live there full-time."
"My sister 'Laura' (30, female) has been going through a tough time and recently decided she wants to host a weekend 'self-care retreat' for herself and her friends. She asked if she could use my house for it."
"It definitely feels more like a party than a self-care retreat.
"Here's the catch: Laura has always been critical of my choices—like my minimalistic lifestyle, lack of a 'real job' (I freelance), and my decision to not settle down or have kids. While I understand she's struggling, I can't help but feel like her request comes with an underlying judgment about my life choices."
"When I told her I'm not comfortable lending my space, she flipped out and accused me of being selfish and unsupportive. She claims that using my house would help her recharge, but I can't shake the feeling that she just wants to throw a party in my space."
"Our family is divided—some say I should just let her use the house to help her mental health, while others agree that I shouldn't be pressured to lend it out."
"I feel guilty for saying no, but I also want to protect my personal space."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my sister that I wouldn't lend her my house for a weekend 'self-care retreat' because she has been consistently critical of my lifestyle choices."
"I believe I might be the a**hole because I could be seen as unsupportive during a tough time in her life. My refusal might come off as petty or retaliatory, especially since she's struggling."
"I want to protect my personal space, but I also feel guilty for not being there for her. I'm torn between setting boundaries and being a good brother."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She has no problem looking down on you until she wants something you have. Protect your serene space from her bad vibes."
"You could explain it to her if you think she could learn and grow, but you're not obligated to." ~ Competitive_Cod_3843
"And let's face it, IF SHE DOESN'T RESPECT OP SHE WILL NOT RESPECT HIS HOME. I'd bet my bottom dollar that OP would come home to a disaster area instead of a house. NTA." ~ Dewhickey76
"If it was for just herself to relax and feel better, I'd say consider lending it to her to help her recharge, but it seems she just wants to save AirBnB money."
"Don't give it, especially since it's your 'bad' traits that pay for this house. Tell her it will harm her recharching process because it is maintained with money from your bad lifestyle choices." ~ Mysterious-Major6353
"NTA. It's your home not a vacation rental. I'm sure there are similar spaces she can rent for a retreat without displacing you or invading your space with strangers." ~ cassowary32
"OP, send her a link to an AirBnb or some other form of rental in the area. Every family member who complains to you has just offered to donate a part of the rent!" ~ Never-Be-Bored
"NTA.This is why hotels, spas, AirBnB's, and VRBO's exist. To help people self care in a place not their home if that is their desire. She is just being cheap." ~ Odd-End-1405
"Plus, in my opinion, if it is over a weekend this could make OP liable for what happens on the property including injury or any damage to his home whereas many of those other places have contracts and insurance specific to rentals and guests. NTA." ~ sabrina62628
"NTA, and don't even let her 'rent' it from you."
"As others have said 'self care retreat for her and friends' = party. Fine, they can pay to host it elsewhere."
"If any of your family don't understand that her criticism about your choices, whilst wanting to take advantage of what they have clearly earned you, is hypocritical, then their opinion doesn't count. Hold your ground." ~ TeenySod
"NTA. Assuming you don't know her friends very well (or at all), you are never the a**hole for telling people they can't bring strangers into your home." ~ robopirateninjasaur
"Even if she was your best friend and not at all critical of your lifestyle you have no obligation to let her use your house. NTA." ~ Adventurous_Crow252
"NTA. She's critical of your life, until she 'needs' something that benefits her life."
"Why is family even in involved? It's your home. No means no. No explanation needed." ~ Traditional-Bag-4508
"NTA—it's your serene space and you don't have to share it, I do wonder though would she be willing to do something similar for you? Probably not." ~ ProfMG
"It's your house for you to have some peace and quiet away from people. Her having a bender with her friends (okay, assumption from me there) is not the intention of the place."
"Even if you were to entertain the thought, would she be responsible for cleaning up and ensuring any damages are paid for?"
"You don't owe a weekend away in your home to your sister and her friends. Clearly your freelancing is paying okay for you to be able to have the space—amazing for 'not a real job'. And she hasn't been supportive of you living the way you're comfortable."
"NTA. Your home, your choice. You made no promises, owe no favours, aren't disrupting a tradition (which would still also be okay). She doesn't even want to be there with you, she wants you to give her use of it for the weekend with her friends."
"Your sister is selfish and condescending when it suits her. I mentioned taking care of your home above, but do you really trust her with a set of keys for the weekend?"
"Do you want to go in after she's been there and find empty bottles, takeaway boxes, dirty dishes, unemptied bins, and potentially damaged furniture?"
"If you can't trust her to respect you and your home, then don't entertain the thought of saying yes." ~ TheGingerCynic
The OP provided an update.
"If my family is so concerned, they can offer their space instead. It's frustrating how quick they are to volunteer my home."
"It really highlights the inconsistency in their arguments. If they're so concerned about her well-being, they can step up and offer their space instead."
"I deserve to protect my space, especially when she's been critical of my choices. It's really about setting boundaries and not feeling obligated to accommodate someone who hasn't respected me."
"I doubt she would take responsibility if anything happened. It's too risky to let her use my space, especially with her past criticisms."
"I genuinely worry that if I let her use the house, it would come back to me in a state that wouldn't feel like my sanctuary anymore. It's important for me to protect my space, especially since it's my escape from everything else."
"Her reaction to me saying 'no' showed me that she wasn't approaching this with the respect I expected. If she had been more understanding, maybe I would've reconsidered, but that's not how it played out."
"I can totally see her rearranging everything and claiming it was for my own good. That kind of attitude is just not something I want in my life."
"If she really wants a retreat, she can find her own space like an Airbnb. It's not my responsibility to provide her with a venue."
"There are so many options available for her to have a proper retreat without relying on me. It really does seem like she's looking for a free option rather than genuinely appreciating my space."
"It's frustrating how she can be so critical of me and then turn around and ask for something that benefits her. Family shouldn't pressure me about this."
"It's my home and I'm allowed to say no without needing to explain myself. I really appreciate all your support. It helps me stand firm with my answer."
"You're right that I have every right to say no, regardless of our relationship. I need to trust my instincts and not seek validation from others."
"If relatives judge me, I'll just shut that down by asking why she isn't using their home. And yes, it's clear she's looking to host a party under the guise of a retreat."
"I love the idea of turning it back on them and offering to let her know they're concerned and want to help. I can only imagine the excuses that will come flying in!"
"Setting boundaries is crucial, especially when someone has been judgmental about my choices. It's not selfish to protect my space and mental well-being."
"I hope she can eventually understand that."
"Standing my ground can feel tough, but I know it's the right choice. Once it's all settled, I'll feel so much better knowing I prioritized my own needs."
"Thanks all for recognizing that—it really helps reinforce my decision!"
It sounds like the OP got the reassurance they needed that it was OK to say no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp