Sometimes it's really hard to imagine what could possibly be going through someone else's mind, especially when it leads to something being broken or plans being changed.
It feels impossible to come up with an explanation, unless they meant harm, considered the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Whole_Challenge_9099 spent a lot of time customizing the perfect wedding dress and even asked her mother to store it at her home for safekeeping.
But when the future bride realized that her sister had accessed the dress and ruined it to make it more "unique," the Original Poster (OP) couldn't imagine that her sister did this out of the kindness of her heart.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for telling my sister I hope her husband cheats on her after she ruined my wedding dress?"
The OP spent a lot of time picking out and customizing the perfect wedding dress.
"I (29 Female) have been engaged for about a year, and I'm getting married in three months."
"Like many brides, my wedding dress is a big deal to me. I spent months picking it out, and it cost more than I care to admit."
"It's a gorgeous custom-made gown that I was keeping at my mom's house because I wanted to avoid any 'accidents' at home (I have a dog that sheds like crazy)."
Then the OP's sister did something terrible to "improve" the dress.
"My sister (34 Female) recently had some sort of 'life-changing epiphany' and decided she's done with fast fashion and wants to live a more 'eco-conscious' lifestyle. Cool, right?"
"Except she's taken it to a weird level, constantly shaming me and others about our choices, like buying new clothes instead of thrifted."
"She's also become super into DIY projects, most of which end up looking like a Pinterest fail, but whatever, I wasn't going to say anything."
"Fast forward to last weekend, I stopped by my mom's house to check on the dress and make sure everything was fine. When I opened the garment bag, my heart legit stopped."
"My sister, in all her DIY glory, had dyed my wedding dress."
"Apparently, she thought the white was too 'traditional and boring' and decided to 'upcycle' it by dip-dyeing the bottom half in this hideous tie-dye rainbow pattern. HER WORDS: 'I made it more fun and unique! You'll stand out!'
The OP was devastated, to say the least.
"I. LOST. IT."
"I screamed at her, and she just stood there, acting like I was being overdramatic. She kept saying she was 'just trying to help' and that 'it's just a dress.'"
"I told her she was a selfish psycho and to never speak to me again."
"Then, and this is where I might be the a**hole, I said, 'I hope your husband gets so sick of your controlling, self-righteous bulls**t that he cheats on you.'"
"She started crying and called me a bunch of names, saying I crossed the line."
Even the OP's family lashed out at the OP for what she'd said.
"Now my mom is mad at me, saying my sister was 'only trying to do something nice' and that I didn't need to take it 'that far.'"
"She's insisting I apologize for the cheating comment, but I feel like I was justified in saying it."
"My fiancé thinks my sister is nuts, but even he raised an eyebrow at that last comment and said I might have gone too far."
"AITAH for saying what I said, or is my sister just the worst?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some encouraged the OP to get her money back for the dress, even if it meant suing.
"Please sue her for the dress!" - Cguy203
"NTA. That dress costs a lot."
"She damaged/vandalized it. Sue her a**. NTA." - Fanwhip
"Go after her for the cost of the new dress, as it will probably be a rush order due to time constraints. The actual damages will thus quite likely end up exceeding the cost of the damaged dress." - Corodix
"Wouldn't it have to have a personal item clause (or whatever, I don't know my legalese)? Or is that only a thing for the lowly folks that rent."
"Whatever the terminology, would the protection of the home automatically come into effect no matter what you brought into it? My insurance wanted to know why I had so many laptops..."
"I swear I was in school for it! I had to disclose and prove the value of anything over a couple of hundred bucks I wanted to be protected." - Snoo_70531
"Mom's homeowner's insurance might actually cover this if OP presses charges. Time to find out. Then the insurance can go after the sister." - maroongrad
"Your sister did something that is unfathomable. She wilfully destroyed your wedding dress. So you lashed out. Probably not the best choice of words, but in the heat of the moment you wanted to hurt her just as she hurt you."
"The thought process she went through to come up with to dye your dress is... well… mind-boggling."
"I mean, who the h**l would do something like that? I'd insist your sister have your dress replaced, because I doubt it's fixable. Tell her in no uncertain terms that what she did is inexcusable and you will be going low-contact for the foreseeable future, due to her actions."
"Explain to your mom that trying to excuse your sister's unhinged behavior will only distance her from you."
"I hope you get your sister to compensate you for your dress." - Ratchet_gurl24
Others were critical of the mother for not stopping the OP's sister from doing this.
"Mom must have colluded on this? How could she dye the dress without her knowing?" - Bogpot
"I mean, the mom was given the task of keeping the dress safe and she either neglected her obligation, or OP's sister did it when she wasn't around."
"Either way, OP is absolutely NTA! But both mom and sister are! Mom for asking OP to apologize and the sister for being the absolute trash b***h that she is."
"I hope OP uninvited them both from the wedding and presses charges against her sister for willfully destroying her wedding dress." - Metisbeader
"If she took it out of the house, her mother should have known. And if someone wants to use my washer to dye something, they'd d**n sure better talk to me about it."
"I'm curious about OP's mother. Her dress should have been safe with her. Surely she knew what the sister was doing. She doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do something quietly." - OutlandishnessFew981
"I can't believe her mom let her sister ruin her dress. Like she just stood by and let that psycho destroy OP's dress and think there isn't an issue?" - Angelbearsmom
"The sister sounds like a handful, and maybe the mom went along with it just to keep the sister happy because she was gonna fly off her rocker or something."
"OP is still NTA even though her comment was so out of pocket… but it was in the heat of anger and the fact that something that she needed, and prepared ahead of time, and paid for, is irretrievably ruined and on short notice right before the wedding." - probably_nontoxic
Some encouraged the OP to disinvite them from the wedding and maybe go no-contact.
"This is absolutely unbelievable. What on earth was the sister thinking?? Dyeing someone else's WEDDING dress without permission! I think I would have done something very physical to that b***h! And the mother acting like it was no big deal…"
"Make sure both your mom and your sister are uninvited to your wedding. And uninvite any and all their flying monkeys." - MyCat_SaysThis
"How could she possibly dye and dry and re-package a wedding dress without anyone knowing? Does your mom live in a soundproof room? I think mom knew about it or found out about it prior to your visit and is downplaying it to take the heat off of herself for allowing it."
"Uninvited both of them... from your life!" - hokeypokey59
"NTA. Ex sister. And your mom? No contact no invite." - shammy_dammy
"I can see two people who are not coming to your wedding. I guess your sister is the golden child. Take your mum's favorite dress dip dye it, too." - CakePhool
"Post publicly the amount you paid, and add 20%, because you're not going to get that dress made again in three months. Show before and after pictures."
"Go no-contact on everyone who thinks your sister did the right thing or who thinks you shouldn't have yelled at your sister. I'd take it a step further and uninvite these people. Good luck. I'm very sorry this happened to you." - Wiener_Dawgz
After receiving feedback, the OP shared her thoughts on what her sister did.
"Thank you to everyone who spoke up. I'm glad someone sees how insane this whole thing is."
"Like, how does someone think it's okay to mess with a wedding dress without asking?"
"I get the comment was harsh, but honestly, at the moment, I wanted her to feel even a fraction of the pain I felt when I saw what she did."
"She absolutely needs to learn that her 'helpful' ideas aren't always welcome, especially when it comes to something as important as this!"
The OP debated how she'd respond next to her sister, including possibly suing her for damages.
"For those recommending that I sue my sister and maybe even my mom, I've thought about it, trust me!"
"But the whole idea of taking my own sister to court just feels... messy, you know?"
"Our family is already full of drama, and this would definitely make things worse."
"That being said, if she doesn't offer to pay for the damage soon, I might just go there. This dress wasn't cheap, and her 'help' cost me a fortune. At this point, with all the drama she's already caused, I wouldn't feel guilty about it at all."
The OP was also considering going no-contact with her sister and mom after what happened.
"As for going no-contact with my mom and sister, honestly, I'm considering it."
"My sister clearly has zero respect for boundaries, and the fact that my mom is defending her like this is unbelievable."
"I've been trying to keep the peace, but at this point, I'm seriously thinking about going no contact with both of them. There's no way I'm letting either of them ruin my wedding day after this disaster."
The subReddit couldn't stop shaking their heads over what the OP's sister had done, and they couldn't imagine what she had been thinking if it wasn't premeditated sabotage.
Even though the OP's sister was already married, she seemed really resistant to the idea of the OP getting married and having the spotlight on her.
Otherwise, why would she purposefully ruin the exact thing the bride was supposed to wear?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp