Grandparents are great to have.
So many of them can be helpful.
But they can also be intrusive.
A lot of grandparents need to be reminded that they already raised their children.
Helping is one thing, but a grandparent is not an extra parent.
Redditor Technical_Fly_9052 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she’s not my kid’s mom?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So for background, I am 28 F[emale] and my husband is 30 M[ale] and we have two kids.”
“7M and 4F.
“My mother is actually a great-grandmother.”
“She loves the kids and is very helpful, but she has this habit of overstepping.”
“So both our kids do chores.”
“We give them things to do that they’re capable of doing.”
“Like my son does the dishes sometimes after dinner.”
“My daughter will help set and clean up the table afterwards.”
“Those kinds of things.”
“My mom came to visit us recently, and I’ve been noticing she’s been doing this thing.”
“She stops my son from whatever chore he’s doing and does it for him, but if she sees my daughter doing something, she won’t.”
“At first, I thought she just didn’t want her grandkids to do work because she often calls me a cold mother for making them do chores, but then I figured out the pattern, and it rubbed me the wrong way because I remembered she used to do the same thing to me.”
“My brothers would do nothing while I did everything, so I started correcting her and making my son finish his chores himself, which made her really agitated.”
“Yesterday we were having dinner, and my daughter and husband were clearing up the table because it was my son’s turn to do the dishes.”
“She tried stopping him, but I told him to do the dishes and took her outside.”
“She told me I’m so cold for making my son wash dishes, and why couldn’t I do it?”
“I explained to her that we like to split chores evenly in the house, and if he’s capable, he should (it was like 5 plates and cups and a few spoons).”
“She kept going, and she called me lazy (something she would often do whenever I asked my brothers to help me out with chores).”
“Here’s where I may be an a**hole.”
“I told her ‘she’s one to talk after making me clean up after everybody my whole life.'”
“I told her I’m not going to enable my son to be ‘f**king’ losers like her sons.”
“My little brother literally had to be spoon-fed until he was ten because he refused to eat if my mom didn’t feed him.”
“I was apparently ill-treating my son by making him do all these chores.”
“I told her, ‘I’m teaching him to be independent, and that she may have raised two boys, but she’s not my kid’s mom, so she should f**k off when I’m trying not to turn my son into an incompetent a**hole.’”
“She left crying.”
“My dad called and told me she’s moping around.”
“My husband says it was deserved, but he really doesn’t like my mother because he’s seen over the years how she treats me compared to how she treats my brothers.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Did I go too far? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I don’t think you went too far.’
“I think your son will appreciate learning how to be a capable person.”
“Your daughter will appreciate being treated fairly.”
“Rock on, Mom.”
“You’ve got this. 👍.” ~ Outrageous-Banana905
“I’d even say she could go further – if that happens again, I’d correct her in front of the kids, then set the boundary again and talk her through it.’
“Later that day, I’d sit down with the kids and explain it to them in a kid-friendly way.”
“Repeat at every instance so they see the discrimination corrected, challenged, and it isn’t normalized.”
“If she doesn’t respect your parenting decisions, tho, I’d reconsider how much time she gets to spend around them. Watch closely if she corrects her behavior now or doubles down/ ignores the boundary.” ~ Pandora2304
“Your mum treats you like crap, F[or] Y[our] I[nformation].”
“Sounds like you don’t even realize how much she talks down to you after a lifetime of it.”
“A good husband would hate your mother.”
“You’ve found a good husband.”
“Way to go for finding your backbone and your voice.”
“You deserve soooo much praise for breaking the negative cycle your mother started.”
“She wronged you and she wronged her sons, too.”
She can stay home and mope.
And also FYI, if she’s undermining you and your parenting, she’s NOT a good grandma.” ~ Rohini_rambles
“She’s actually not a ‘great grandmother’ if she treats your kids differently, like she did you and your brothers.”
“There’s absolutely nothing great about that behavior.”
“Goodness knows what else she says to them.”
“You reached your limit, NTA.” ~ SadFlatworm1436
“She is not a good grandmother.’
“She is teaching your son to be useless and your daughter that she should accept uselessness and clean up after men.” ~ Queen_Sized_Beauty
“Exactly! Chores are life skills, at the end of the day.”
“Boys, not just girls, need to learn how to keep a house, because at some point they’ll leave home, and no future partner is going to want to deal with a fully grown toddler who can’t/won’t look after themselves. NTA.” ~ Dishmastah
“Nope. NTA.”
“They are YOUR kids; if she doesn’t like it, I’m sure she knows where the door is.” ~ Any_Armadillo7098
“This happens so much with grandparents, they feel like because they had grown-up kids, they’re some kind of authority on raising children.”
“Happened to me with both my mom and my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw].”
“My wife and I had to basically tell them all the things they did wrong while raising us to make them realize they weren’t such great parents.”
“It hurt (for both of us), but sometimes a reality check is the best way to stop someone from believing they know better than everyone.” ~ NemoTheOneTrueGod
“NTA. And she’s not a great-grandmother if she’s perpetuating the same sexism and misogynistic behavior from your own childhood.” ~ WholeAd2742
“NTA. Good on you for advocating for yourself and your children.” ~ Perfect_Ring3489
“NTA. You saw the behavior and the pattern and took action.”
“I assure you, the daughter would have eventually seen it as well and wondered why she never got a break.”
“You are 100% right.”
“They are your kids, and you don’t want your kids to be shown favoritism, and you want them to be independent and able to do things themselves.”
“She can be unhappy about it. It’s her right and privilege.”
“She can have her own feelings.”
“But she cannot tell you or your husband how to raise your kids.” ~ Radiant_Bee1
“NTA and good on you for whoever your children end up with.”
‘Their partner will be lucky to have someone who splits chores, and if they choose to be by themselves, they will be able to take care of themselves.”
“As a parent, it’s your job to prepare them for real life.” ~ heartbernmira
“NTA. She got what she deserved, and her sexist gender roles can go to hell.”
“Good for you for raising your kids to be responsible.” ~ CustomerMission5075
“NTA. She f**ked around and found out!”
“She needed to hear that, and I’m proud of you for telling her what’s good.”
“And good on you for creating a household of fairness.” ~ buffythebudslayer
“NTA. This is 100% how we should be treating both boys and girls.”
“They need to learn to take care of themselves so they don’t end up in a relationship where they are settling, just because they do everything for them.”
“They will be looking for better qualities in a partner than do they cook, clean, wipe my a** for me!”
“Your mom is wrong.”
“Let her pout.”
“She is probably just now seeing she messed up her son’s.” ~ Sapphire-Donut1214
“NTA. Absolutely NTA.”
“Good for you.”
“You didn’t just stand up for yourself, you stood up for your son and your daughter, because she’s trying to repeat the same pattern.”
“She’s either mopping because she’s realised you are right and she fucked up… doubtful.”
“Or…”
“You stood up to her, and she doesn’t know how to handle it.”
“Good luck if it’s that one.”
“They tend to get worse before they get better.”
“If they get better.” ~ FrostiePi
“NTA, she deserves it for not only overstepping boundaries, but for being sexist and singling you and your daughter out as the only female children of your respective generations.”
“Honestly, I’d recommend getting her some help in working out her misogyny, as that typically stems from being raised the same way, and she likely has some unresolved trauma that led to her treating you the same way, but it’s not your responsibility.’
“Either way, I wish you luck in dealing with her in the future, and if no one has said it to you before, then let me say that I’m proud of you for breaking the chain and not allowing your daughter to be affected by your family’s generational trauma.” ~ An_Idiot_Called
“NTA. You simply have your kids learning how to take care of these chores now, while the stakes are the lowest and there’s a parent (or 2, it sounds like in this case) to help them learn.”
“Both will be better adults for it.”
“Also, NTA for teaching your son that housework is for all genders, not just women/girls.”
“You are doing a small part to fight sexism in that alone.” ~ sep780
Reddit is with you, OP.
You stood up for yourself and your family.
You’re teaching your children about responsibility.
You have a lot of trauma to unpack; it might be a good idea to find a professional to talk to.
Good Luck.