Looking after a child takes a village.
Every day can be an obstacle course.
They often require constant supervision.
That is why an extra layer of stress can add up when loved ones refuse to help.
Redditor u/latchkeytwin found herself in a dilemma regarding her husband's lack of action, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for being disgusted with my partner after he refused to go into a neighbor’s pool to retrieve our eloping autistic child?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My non-verbal autistic child wandered into a neighbor’s pool after eloping."
"I called my husband for assistance because my son weighs nearly as much as I do, and I can no longer lift him."
"My husband arrived, began shouting at me, and argued he was free from blame because he regularly checks the locks."
"When my child would not leave the pool, my husband insisted we review security footage to identify who left the door unlatched, stating that 'whoever left it unlocked should have to go in.'”
"He had already climbed over the locked gate and stood beside the water, placing him in a position to step in and grab our child right away."
"Despite being there, he refused on 'principle' and demanded I enter instead."
"I reviewed the footage and found my 14-year-old had left the door unlatched."
"Because it was not his fault, my husband still declined to enter the water."
"I had to climb over and wade fully clothed into the neighbor’s pool to retrieve my child safely."
"This is the third pool elopement in a month, and I have retrieved my child each time."
"The previous instance occurred three years ago, when my husband did enter the pool to retrieve our son."
"He mentioned this event, claiming it is never his fault, though he was the one who found him and went in."
"After returning home, my husband shouted at my 14-year-old, accusing her of ignoring her sibling’s safety."
"When I said I was disgusted by his conduct and that a real man/father would have jumped in immediately regardless of who unlocked the door, he accused me of pushing 'bullsh*t.'”
"Later, he sent a text offering a partial apology for blaming me at first, but he maintained his reasoning: defending why he did not go in, continuing to place blame entirely on my 14-year-old, and demanding consequences for her."
"Was I wrong to expect that he should have been the one to jump into the pool right then and there, or am I being old-fashioned and sexist in thinking that it’s a man/father’s duty?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here... for the most part.
"I used to work for a great organization (YAI) that has residential group homes that were safe spaces and run very well."
"I would strongly consider something like this because it sounds like both of you are reaching your breaking point, and it's only a matter of time before something serious happens to your son."
"Take a step back from the situation and think about how you would react if a friend told you they left their disabled son in their neighbor's pool to review security footage to find out whose fault it was."
"You would think that was insane."
"The level of stress you're both constantly in is skewing your judgment to the point that it's putting your son in danger and causing liability issues for your neighbors." ~ CleopatraCeline
"This. You are not a bad parent for needing extra help outside of the home."
"You didn't ask for or prepare for this."
"You're doing a great job, but you need a break. It's ok to ask for help." ~ PoetMaterial3519
"👆👆👆 OP, you should highly consider this."
"Your son, while unaware, continues to commit an actual crime that is putting the neighbors in a very difficult situation."
"You're not really seeing this side of things because you and the rest of your family are super overconsumed and overwhelmed and tired."
"As someone else pointed out, you both chose to look at security cameras instead of going to your son while he was committing a crime."
"If anything, you should have been at the pool talking to your son instead of just waiting on your husband."
"You should also buy an automatic latch for your safety and your neighbor's."
"I'm sure they are very over this as well." ~ StandardAd239
"My thought too was it sounds like both parents are burnt out with caregiver fatigue, which I definitely don't blame them for."
"Perhaps family counseling could be good for the parents and even the 14-year-old, as it sounds like this situation has put a lot of additional stress on her as well." ~ zethic
"He doesn't sound like a very safe person or good father. NTA."
"Personally, I would do some hard thinking about this relationship." ~ trippyhippie573
"OP, if the potential for disaster is this great, I highly recommend installing a commercial maglock/visitor access system, like the kind used by many businesses."
"That way, your doors lock by default, and the key fob is the only way to access the door."
"It’s a bit pricey, around $600 for a system, and you will have to get used to having your key fob attached (retractable attachment is ideal because you can just attach it to your belt/waistband), but it can be extremely effective if you have a high-risk situation in which serious harm can result from failing to lock a door." ~ Responsible-Sun2494
"Absolutely."
"It shouldn’t matter who left the gate unlocked in that moment."
"Their child needed help, and there was a capable parent already beside the pool who could have acted immediately."
"The fact he focused on blame instead is a major reason to seriously reconsider the relationship." ~ Vieorra-Lasser3K
"Before you judge the father too harshly, this is a very common response after years of caring for a severely autistic child."
"The rates of anxiety and mood disorders and suicide are elevated for everyone in a household with a severely autistic member."
"OP seems like they are in denial about the situation."
"Using scare quotes when the neighbors called her son combative and then immediately describing combative behavior really calls the entire narrative into question." ~ Witty_Ad_898
"NTAH, I find that really bizarre that he would choose to argue with you in that moment."
"Boils down to the child being too big/strong for you to engage with like that, and it’s equally his responsibility as a father."
"Who left an escape route and how that can be fixed in future is immaterial to handling the immediate problem of getting the kid back onto your property." ~ OrdinarySun484
"I'm curious what the neighbors, whose pool the kid keeps getting in uninvited, think about all this."
"What have they said?"
"I can't imagine they're unaware, considering how many times this has happened."
"If the child gets into trouble in the pool on their property, that's a massive problem for the neighbors."
"Even besides the danger and liability, I'd be straight up incensed that my neighbors keep letting their kid get in my pool without my permission."
"ESH for fussing over whose turn it is to fish the kid out of a pool on someone else's property."
"The child needs to be safer, and you owe the neighbors a sincere apology, and not letting it happen again." ~ Inevitable_Pie9541
"ESH. You’re going to get a ton of comments telling you this man ain’t sh*t and to go see a divorce lawyer, and while that may ultimately be true, I see an overtaxed family who is doing a poor job of managing a high special needs child who is becoming more capable of eloping and not handling it well."
"Your husband should have helped, but not because it’s a 'man’s job' (TF is that), but because that’s what parents do."
"You clearly are capable, as you have retrieved him multiple times this month."
"You guys need therapy, supports, and a better safety plan for your special needs child." ~ ste1071d
OP came back to chat...
"This last incident was the second time my son eloped/wandered/escaped into the neighbor’s pool."
"It’s an above-ground pool, and my son is quite tall."
"He was not in danger of drowning."
"We do have alarms, and I literally ran behind him after getting the alert."
"I almost caught him, but he is fast! "
"Our son is almost a teenager, quite large for his age, and swims multiple times per week."
"The last elopement before these last three was over 3 years ago."
"We recently changed his medications, and we think that is contributing to the elopement behavior."
"I have added more locks."
"I’m concerned about trespassing and upsetting neighbors."
"The first time he went into the neighbor’s pool, they called the police and reported him as autistic and 'combative' because he refused to leave the pool."
"The police were actually great, but that’s not always the case."
"I immediately went into the pool to get him out, but it takes two people, since he fights to stay in the pool."
"The other incident, I was by myself, and I had a hard time getting him out of the pool because he actively fought me."
"I am also not a good swimmer and miscalculated the depth of the pool and went under."
"I was gasping for breath, panicked, but I managed to get him to the side where another adult helped me pull him out."
"My husband knew this…"
This is a tough situation, OP.
Sorry that it seems like such a high-stress situation.
Family counseling may also be a good idea.
Finding ways to cope with this behavior could help the relationship.
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