If there’s one thought every child with older or younger siblings often worries about, it’s one or both of their parents liking their siblings more than they like them.
Most of the time, this is nothing more than anxiety on the part of the children.
Sometimes, however, a parent may feel the need to treat one child differently from the other, as a way of making a message clear.
Redditor Jolly-Prompt-6129 had recently come into some money owing to a death in the family.
The money seemed a perfect opportunity for the original poster (OP) to help their daughter out.
Unfortunately, the OP’s son accused them of prioritizing his sister over him by doing so.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for paying off my daughter’s student loans but not giving the same amount to her brother, who didn’t go to university?”
The OP explained why they found themself at odds with their son:
“My husband passed away unexpectedly in early 2024 from a heart attack.”
“I received a life insurance payout and have been managing it carefully.”
“Recently, I used a portion (around $60K) to pay off my daughter’s student loans.”
“Now my son is upset, saying I’m playing favorites because I did not give him the same amount of money as his sister.”
“Back in 2005, my daughter was 18, very bright, but dealing with depression and unsure what to do after school.”
“I pressured her hard to go to university because I thought it was the best path for her.”
“She wasn’t ready but went anyway to please her father and I.”
“She ended up doing history because it was the most tolerable thing to her and she just wanted to get a degree to get us off her back.”
“That degree didn’t lead anywhere – she worked low-paying jobs for years and accumulated significant debt as her loan value increased due to indexation (similar to interest).”
“At 30, frustrated with her employment prospects, she went back to university and got a law degree (in our country, law can be done as an undergrad).”
“She now has a good job in that field, but her debt was basically double because of the degree she only did because I pressured her.”
“I’ve always felt some guilt over that, and now that I’m in a position to help, I chose to pay off her loans.”
“She was in the first few years of her law job paying back more than the minimum than she has to in an attempt to pay them down faster, so was trying to help herself.”
“Her younger brother never went to university.”
“He’s not academic, has never been very smart, always hated school and dropped out at 15, and I never pushed him the way I did her.”
“He’s been working as a postal delivery worker for years and has no student.”
“When he found out I paid off her loans because I accidentally sent him a text message meant for her, he demanded the same amount in cash.”
“I told him that I’ve done this specifically because it’s an educational expense.”
“Giving him cash will feel to my daughter like a punishment all over again – her brother gets fun money, and all she gets is the degree I pressured her to do paid off.”
“And honestly, I don’t think a lump sum would be good for him – he doesn’t manage money well and tends to spend impulsively.”
“AITA for saying no, given that I did this to correct what I feel was a mistake (pushing my daughter into University before she was ready)?.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give their son money.
Most agreed that the OP paying off their daughter’s student loans was completely different than giving their son money, pointing out that if their son asked them to pay for their education, this would be a totally different story:
“Tell him you’re happy to set aside the same amount for educational expenses for him.”
“He can choose to use it, or not.”
“NTA.”- Unique-Scarcity-5500
“NTA.”
“Tell him you will happily pay for college if he is interested.”- bippityboppitynope
“NTA.”
“It was kind of after the fact, but just tell him you are happy to pay for college (or maybe training for a trade) for him as well.”
“I paid for my kid’s college to help them and as an incentive to go.”
“No way would I have just handed over cash.”- Ok-Apricot6292
“You saying – if you want to go to school I’ll pay the same for you – is fair enough.”
“You paid for her school, you’d do the same for him.”
“It wasn’t a random gift of 60K.”
“I thought about saying why not help him with a car or house.”
“I just don’t know that’s necessary.”
“You offering both the gift of school and its up to them to take it or not seems fair.”
“NTA.”
“Unless you wouldnt pay for his school if he were to do it.”- iraven_mccoy
“NTA.”
“But I will say that you should look for some way to equalize this.”
“You seem to truly favor your daughter (maybe it’s guilt, I don’t know) and I’m sure your son has sensed that all his life.”
“You speak negatively about him even though it sounds like he’s managed to make a decent life for himself.”
“You need to show him that you value him and support his choices, as well.”
“Can you pay for education he’d like to pursue?”
“Can you help with a downpayment on a home?”- StrategyAncient6770
“NTA.”
“Paying for school is not the same thing as giving a bunch of cash.”- ConflictGullible392
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, heavily questioning their parenting choices after forcing their daughter to study something she had no interest in, and allowing their son to drop out of school at 15.
“YTA to both.”
“I mean you forced your daughter into this dept doing something she didnt want or need without any help while you let your minor son drop out at 15?”
“Do you not see the double standart here?”
“From your son’s perspective he probably watched all that happen and knew you thought he was too stupid cause, ‘why didn’t you push him when you pushed her hard?'”
“‘Was he not good enough?'”
“‘And now she gets all the money too?””
“That does seem unfair to him.”
“From your daughters perspective it is right.”
“You are at fault she even has this dept so you should pay it off.”
“Plus all the stress and pressure you caused.”- felifornow
“YTA.”
“You should have just given them both equal amounts and not tied the ‘gift’ to education.”
“If your daughter wanted to pay off loans she could have, but the way you did it shows 1) you are controlling and 2) you value your daughter more.”
“Your son is employed and did well for himself without a diploma but you see no reason to reward that.”- etpiv1
While a select few didn’t think anyone came off looking particularly good:
“ESH.”
“There’s clear favoritism what with ‘he’s not very smart’ and ‘I never pushed him has hard’.”
“He shouldn’t be demanding money, but I understand the frustration with the preferential treatment.”
“The bottom line is you’re clearly investing emotionally and financially to one and not really anything to the other from the sounds of it.”- NiNdo4589
With others not finding anyone at fault, feeling everyone’s thought’s and feelings were justified:
“NAH.”
“However, your son has a point, and he will feel slighted unless you treat him as equally as possible given that his situation is different.”
“Maybe you could tell him that if he ever buys a house or starts a business, you will help him out at that time.”
“Just so that he knows that his sister isn’t the only one you will provide extra support for.”- ScarletNotThatOne
“As an outsider, NAH only because of the self-admitted extreme pressuring.”
“But there is approximately zero chance your son will ever see it as anything other than favoritism, and that is understandable.”
“Feelings aren’t always logical and not everyone has the emotional maturity to understand your reasons for the decision.”
“I don’t think you owe your son $60k by any means but, if you give him something and how much will depend on what you want your relationship with him to look like from here forward.”- m33chm
If parents use different parenting styles on their children, it’s almost always from a place of love.
Sometimes it’s hard for their children to see things that way, though, which is why it’s of the utmost importance to make it clear how much their children are loved.
Something the OP might want to make clear to their son, even if they shouldn’t feel obligated to give him money.