If there's one thought every child with older or younger siblings often worries about, it's one or both of their parents liking their siblings more than they like them.
Most of the time, this is nothing more than anxiety on the part of the children.
Sometimes, however, a parent may feel the need to treat one child differently from the other, as a way of making a message clear.
Redditor Jolly-Prompt-6129 had recently come into some money owing to a death in the family.
The money seemed a perfect opportunity for the original poster (OP) to help their daughter out.
Unfortunately, the OP's son accused them of prioritizing his sister over him by doing so.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for paying off my daughter's student loans but not giving the same amount to her brother, who didn't go to university?"
The OP explained why they found themself at odds with their son:
"My husband passed away unexpectedly in early 2024 from a heart attack."
"I received a life insurance payout and have been managing it carefully."
"Recently, I used a portion (around $60K) to pay off my daughter's student loans."
"Now my son is upset, saying I'm playing favorites because I did not give him the same amount of money as his sister."
"Back in 2005, my daughter was 18, very bright, but dealing with depression and unsure what to do after school."
"I pressured her hard to go to university because I thought it was the best path for her."
"She wasn't ready but went anyway to please her father and I."
"She ended up doing history because it was the most tolerable thing to her and she just wanted to get a degree to get us off her back."
"That degree didn't lead anywhere - she worked low-paying jobs for years and accumulated significant debt as her loan value increased due to indexation (similar to interest)."
"At 30, frustrated with her employment prospects, she went back to university and got a law degree (in our country, law can be done as an undergrad)."
"She now has a good job in that field, but her debt was basically double because of the degree she only did because I pressured her."
"I've always felt some guilt over that, and now that I'm in a position to help, I chose to pay off her loans."
"She was in the first few years of her law job paying back more than the minimum than she has to in an attempt to pay them down faster, so was trying to help herself."
"Her younger brother never went to university."
"He's not academic, has never been very smart, always hated school and dropped out at 15, and I never pushed him the way I did her."
"He's been working as a postal delivery worker for years and has no student."
"When he found out I paid off her loans because I accidentally sent him a text message meant for her, he demanded the same amount in cash."
"I told him that I've done this specifically because it's an educational expense."
"Giving him cash will feel to my daughter like a punishment all over again - her brother gets fun money, and all she gets is the degree I pressured her to do paid off."
"And honestly, I don't think a lump sum would be good for him - he doesn't manage money well and tends to spend impulsively."
"AITA for saying no, given that I did this to correct what I feel was a mistake (pushing my daughter into University before she was ready)?."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to give their son money.
Most agreed that the OP paying off their daughter's student loans was completely different than giving their son money, pointing out that if their son asked them to pay for their education, this would be a totally different story:
"Tell him you're happy to set aside the same amount for educational expenses for him."
"He can choose to use it, or not."
"NTA."- Unique-Scarcity-5500
"NTA."
"Tell him you will happily pay for college if he is interested."- bippityboppitynope
"NTA."
"It was kind of after the fact, but just tell him you are happy to pay for college (or maybe training for a trade) for him as well."
"I paid for my kid's college to help them and as an incentive to go."
"No way would I have just handed over cash."- Ok-Apricot6292
"You saying - if you want to go to school I'll pay the same for you - is fair enough."
"You paid for her school, you'd do the same for him."
"It wasn't a random gift of 60K."
"I thought about saying why not help him with a car or house."
"I just don't know that's necessary."
"You offering both the gift of school and its up to them to take it or not seems fair."
"NTA."
"Unless you wouldnt pay for his school if he were to do it."- iraven_mccoy
"NTA."
"But I will say that you should look for some way to equalize this."
"You seem to truly favor your daughter (maybe it's guilt, I don't know) and I'm sure your son has sensed that all his life."
"You speak negatively about him even though it sounds like he's managed to make a decent life for himself."
"You need to show him that you value him and support his choices, as well."
"Can you pay for education he'd like to pursue?"
"Can you help with a downpayment on a home?"- StrategyAncient6770
"NTA."
"Paying for school is not the same thing as giving a bunch of cash."- ConflictGullible392
There were a few, however, who had trouble sympathizing with the OP, heavily questioning their parenting choices after forcing their daughter to study something she had no interest in, and allowing their son to drop out of school at 15.
"YTA to both."
"I mean you forced your daughter into this dept doing something she didnt want or need without any help while you let your minor son drop out at 15?"
"Do you not see the double standart here?"
"From your son's perspective he probably watched all that happen and knew you thought he was too stupid cause, 'why didn't you push him when you pushed her hard?'"
"'Was he not good enough?'"
"'And now she gets all the money too?''"
"That does seem unfair to him."
"From your daughters perspective it is right."
"You are at fault she even has this dept so you should pay it off."
"Plus all the stress and pressure you caused."- felifornow
"YTA."
"You should have just given them both equal amounts and not tied the 'gift' to education."
"If your daughter wanted to pay off loans she could have, but the way you did it shows 1) you are controlling and 2) you value your daughter more."
"Your son is employed and did well for himself without a diploma but you see no reason to reward that."- etpiv1
While a select few didn't think anyone came off looking particularly good:
"ESH."
"There's clear favoritism what with 'he's not very smart' and 'I never pushed him has hard'."
"He shouldn't be demanding money, but I understand the frustration with the preferential treatment."
"The bottom line is you're clearly investing emotionally and financially to one and not really anything to the other from the sounds of it."- NiNdo4589
With others not finding anyone at fault, feeling everyone's thought's and feelings were justified:
"NAH."
"However, your son has a point, and he will feel slighted unless you treat him as equally as possible given that his situation is different."
"Maybe you could tell him that if he ever buys a house or starts a business, you will help him out at that time."
"Just so that he knows that his sister isn't the only one you will provide extra support for."- ScarletNotThatOne
"As an outsider, NAH only because of the self-admitted extreme pressuring."
"But there is approximately zero chance your son will ever see it as anything other than favoritism, and that is understandable."
"Feelings aren't always logical and not everyone has the emotional maturity to understand your reasons for the decision."
"I don't think you owe your son $60k by any means but, if you give him something and how much will depend on what you want your relationship with him to look like from here forward."- m33chm
If parents use different parenting styles on their children, it's almost always from a place of love.
Sometimes it's hard for their children to see things that way, though, which is why it's of the utmost importance to make it clear how much their children are loved.
Something the OP might want to make clear to their son, even if they shouldn't feel obligated to give him money.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp