Anyone who has known one of those parents who expects everyone else to orbit around their child can attest to how frustrating these parents can be.
Not only do they expect to be involved in all the same social scenes that they used to be, but they refuse to accept accountability whenever their child acts up, even if they haven’t raised them to know better, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Ok-Point-6480 was preparing for their wedding and knew that inviting one of their mom friends and her four-year-old son was going to be a problem, not because her son was on the spectrum, but because she had not taught him anything about being polite in public.
Feeling that inviting them would cause a scene at their wedding, the Original Poster (OP) began to ponder how to broach the issue with their mom friend.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for asking a friend if she understands wedding courtesy or else she can’t bring her four-year-old son (who is on the spectrum) to my wedding?”
The OP appreciated their friends who were parents who held their kids accountable.
“I feel like there are two types of parents in this world. The first type of parent goes, ‘I won’t be raising a little s**t.’ The second type of parent goes, ‘The world should revolve around my perfect angel.'”
“I myself have Autism and so do most of the people I socialize with, and this goes double for us.”
“And I have noticed a huge difference in outcomes for kids who were raised by the first type of parent vs. the second type.”
“The vast majority of my friends with kids are the first type of parents. That’s why I have absolutely no problem with having kids at my wedding. Because I know they will prevent their kids from being disruptive during the serious parts, and not just let them loose as hellions during the fun parts.”
The OP had become frustrated with their mom friend who did not raise her son well.
“I have ONE friend who is the second type of parent, and I really feel for her son because he is going to face a lot of social rejection when he gets older. He is probably one of the most spoiled, inconsiderate children I have ever met, but it’s really not his fault.”
“My friend his mother is adamant that he should NEVER have to be considerate of others, and all adults and children should just accommodate all his whims and be ‘understanding.'”
“So I don’t hold it against him even though he’s awful to be around, because it’s truly not his fault. Nobody has ever taught him how to act in any form of interpersonal interaction.”
The OP contemplated not invited the mom and son to their wedding because of this.
“That being said, I really don’t want him at my wedding, but I cringe at the idea of singling my friend out as the only person whose child can’t come. And she certainly will want him to come, she doesn’t go anywhere without him.”
“The problem is I could see her handing him an iPad and having him play games on it at full volume during the entire ceremony and find it outrageous if anyone has an issue with it, because her son ‘needs’ it and can’t tolerate headphones. There are a number of things like that which I could see her doing or allowing.”
The OP felt conflicted about how to broach the subject.Â
“I wanted to broach the subject with her but not be insulting towards her son. The way I approached it was trying to get at whether or not SHE understands wedding etiquette, such as not playing loud videos during the ceremony.”
“I just wanted to figure out if there would be any issues, but apparently, this approach made me an a-shole according to her.”
“AITAH?”Â
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they were NTA and their friend needed to accept responsibility.
“NTA. She’s raising him to have no capacity to process rejection or not being the center of attention, and things are going to get worse if there’s any chance of them getting better.”
“Kids need to learn how to handle not getting what they want, something negative in the short term giving them the experience to develop resilience and coping strategies (like cooldown, problem solving etc). Instant gratification as a norm is detrimental to emotional development.”
“What is your friend’s long-term plan for raising her son? Homeschooling because teachers and other students won’t understand or meet his specific wants?” – lemon_charlie
“I would go by past behaviour here, and past behaviour shows she doesn’t do anything to prevent this. I would not trust her word when it comes to a wedding. Or any important event. If anything, I would want to see some actual change from her before that event to trust her more, and I would make sure she realizes they will be asked to leave if she doesn’t manage this properly.”
“I don’t think there is a way you can discuss this with her that she won’t take badly. She seems to think that everyone else has to live with any behaviour from her son, no matter how disruptive it is, or what kind of needs others may have.”
“That does not sound like the type of person who will be able to change this for your wedding. It also does not sound like the type of person other will sympathize with, which would make it more likely for them to accommodate her/be understanding.” – SweetNothings12
“If she were truly aware of wedding etiquette, she would’ve reassured OP instead of just getting offended. Sounds like she’s used to people tiptoeing around her parenting.”
“She’s aware of wedding etiquette; she just doesn’t think it should apply to her and her son.”
“Because he’s ‘special’ and everybody should be ‘understanding.’ Poor kid. I hate parents like that.” – HoldFastO2
“You can tell her what you told us. You don’t want him there because of her s**tty parenting, which has resulted in a disruptive child that no one wants to be around and that SHE is setting him up for failure. Autism isn’t a let me be an asshole free card. It just means he needs coping mechanisms.”
“Put the blame on her and not the child. If she truly loved her child, she would be raising him into a well-adjusted adult.” – Mera1506
“Some people are just that obtuse. I had a no-kids wedding. Most people were thrilled to have a night out without the kids. I had two couples decline because of it, which was fine and expected, as they had little ones they didn’t want to leave for that long.”
“However, I had two people who just didn’t get it… My one cousin called and said, ‘If my kids can’t come, I’m not coming either!’ like it was some kind of threat. I said, ‘Fine, we’ll miss you.’ He didn’t come and was p**sed about it, not sure what he was expecting.”
“The other was my husband’s uncle, who planned to bring his then nine-year-old daughter anyway because he was somehow exempt from the no-kids rule. MIL had to set him straight and said, “‘You know, brother, no kids also means [niece]. You’ll need to make other arrangements for her. She’s not invited.'”
“Magically, he ended up making arrangements for her to stay with a friend that weekend instead.”
“Some people just don’t get it because their world is all about them and their children.” – Pascale73
Others agreed and encouraged the OP to be straightforward and honest.
“Sometimes, avoiding being direct actually causes MORE problems than just being direct. Like, no matter what, your friend won’t be happy, but that’s not your problem; you can’t sacrifice your wedding experience to keep one person happy.”
“And so it’s best to just rip the bandaid off so it doesn’t drag out drama, and also doesn’t risk insulting her in a different way (implying she doesn’t understand etiquette, which she may not, but you created a second problem in addition to not wanting her son to be there).”
“I encourage you to be forthcoming and direct with the people in your life, because while it may seem extremely difficult, and often is, it’s generally MUCH easier than any alternative.” – whimsical_trash
“I would approach a conversation like this from a place of empathy/experience. Think of a time when you were a kid and you behaved inappropriately, and a stranger (or someone you know who was maybe blunt about it) had something to say about it in public.”
“Tell her the story and how it impacted you, how it made you feel about going into certain social situations and maybe not fully understanding the expectations, and just say honestly that you would hate for your wedding to be the place that happens for her child, because you know certain of your guests would absolutely say something less than empathetic if he wasn’t behaving appropriately.”
“That way, she knows you just want him to be fully equipped to be his best self on the day, and that you’re not attacking her, just trying to open a conversation on how to help him behave on the day.” – HandinHand123
“NTA. That’s a difficult conversation to have.”
“So you’re trying to avoid having to say outright he can’t come by working out whether she understands that the behaviors you mention above are inappropriate at a wedding…”Â
“Even if she says she understands wedding etiquette, so you think she’ll actually manage him properly on the day? If not, then why have the conversation at all?”
“I suspect you’re best option is just to say outright her son is not invited (but you’d love to see her) because you’ve observed he struggles to be quiet and still when necessary.”
“If she objects, you just cite examples of him being disruptive (I’m sure you’ve got loads). And you understand her position that it’s tough being autistic, perhaps he can’t help it etc etc. But you still want people to be quiet at times during the wedding. That way it’s not a criticism, it’s an observation.” – No-Sea1173
“I would just not invite her. And make sure she knows it’s 100% because of her own permissive behaviours and not her son’s disruptive ones.”
“Don’t let her make it about the boy. This is all, 100%, about her and her choices. It’s always hard to tell a friend you disagree with her about something so major, but in my experience, the longer you let it go, the harder it is to eventually broach the subject.”
“You need to take some responsibility for having allowed this to be the norm. (I’m assuming that this isn’t the first time this has happened because if her choices are so egregious that she routinely allows her son to act like this, then it has likely caused problems at many of your mutual events.)”
“She’s gotten a good foothold because everyone around her has allowed her to get her way for so long that she now feels entitled (much like her son feels entitled), so telling her he can’t come to the wedding was never going to be easy since, I’m assuming you’re the first person in your friend group to speak up. You’re not the a**hole but you sure made it hard on yourself by letting it go for so long.” – KathyOverandOut
“It sounds like she’s not going to understand because she doesn’t WANT to understand.”
“Be blunt. Get it over fast and very, very clearly. You might actually be doing a favor for her kid in the long run. Do it over the phone, or right before you are leaving a get-together.”
“Say: ‘Friend, I want to tell you something that I know will be hard for you to hear. I will not be inviting you to my wedding, because you allow your son to disrupt events. You are doing him no favors. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t allow you to bring his behavior to my wedding. Ok, I have to go now. We can talk about this later if you want, but my mind is made up.”
“Then walk away. If she tries to talk, just say ‘later,’ and leave.”
“If she wants to discuss it later, tell her you will need to see evidence. You need to attend an event with them to see her kid behave quietly at a one-hour event at least a month (or whatever you decide) before your wedding.”
“Do not accept her framing of any argument. Don’t even reply to her argument. Instead, repeat your mantra. Just tell her your requirement, and ask what event she will invite you to, to show his success at behaving quietly for a one-hour public event.”
“If she spams your phone, reply, ‘Please invite me to the one-hour public event where I can see he does not disrupt.'”
“And tell your friends. This his ‘one-hour no disruption’ goal may also become the perfect go-to for everyone else in her life to use as a goal or explanation. Once it is said out loud, it is just a totally clarifying and very reasonable requirement for people who couldn’t figure out a reasonable way to address the problem.”
“Make that your mantra, because she will argue that’s it’s everything else. But this requirement is both reasonable and a very easy answer for everyone to understand and point to, while being impossible to pretend about.” – sezit
The subReddit understood the importance of inclusion, and they felt terrible for leaving the four-year-old out of an event that he may have been given the proper tools to be socially prepared for.
Because it sounded to the subReddit like the real problem here was the OP’s friend, not the friend’s child, and how she was being entitled and expecting grace without ever taking accountability, which would only hurt her son’s chances at social experiences in the future.