One of the most important conversations you can have with your significant other is financial expectations. Even if you have separate bank accounts your financial habits and priorities should match.
Redditor hdhdjducch encountered this very issue with their spouse. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for confronting my wife for buying my birthday gift with my money?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I have been married for two years.”
“I recently noticed after reviewing bank statements that she’s been buying my birthday gifts with my money for the past two years (didn’t notice the first year since it was not super expensive).”
“We have a shared account to pay bills but then we also have our individual credit/debit cards for personal expenses. She’s an authorized user on my credit card but she’ll only use it if I ask her to buy something for me such as work clothes.”
“She bought me a Rolex watch this year for my birthday and I felt bad since I didn’t get her anything nearly as expensive for a birthday gift and I told her she shouldn’t have. I also wondered how she could afford it unless she’s been saving.”
“She said she wanted to do something nice for me and she knew I liked it.”
“One day I was attempting to buy a coffee before heading to work and my card was declined. I called the bank and they told me why they blocked the purchase.”
“After reviewing the online statement it does show the watch on my account and that’s not my usual spending habits.”
“I talked to my wife about it and she said ‘I thought I used the shared account, I must’ve pulled out the wrong card by accident. I’m sorry.’”
“I tell her to return it because it’s an unnecessary expense and she told me ‘just keep it, you can afford it. You know you wanted one anyway. Please appreciate me wanting to do something nice for you.'”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Purchases that cost several thousand dollars should be 1) Made with one’s own money 2) Saved for 3) Discussed prior to using a joint account. I’d be livid if ‘I’ brought myself a Rolex I haven’t budgeted for. Serious red flag, OP.” ~ Razszberry
“Oh yeah. She’s trying to use sex to ‘make it up to me’ too so that I’m not trying to figure out how to return this thing.” ~ hdhdjducch
“I’m sorry but it’s very base. She took your money any tired to pay back with sex.
I take it there is a good reason you kept your finances separate in the first place. You can always call your bank and get the location of the store. Take the damn thing back.
This is a huge violation of trust though. Maybe family counseling?” ~ Razszberry
“In my experience, as soon as sex becomes transactional, you cross over into the twilight of the relationship.”
“Good luck OP.” ~ teflon_soap
“Maybe she doesn’t want you to return it because she gave you a knock off copy and sold the real one for cash. That’s the only reasonable explanation for why she objects to your returning it. If you spent $10K on a piece of jewelry she didn’t like she would absolutely return it!”
“And using sex to fix it shows she has the depth of a puddle. I’m sorry, but she’s not a good person.” ~ catdogwoman
“First off, sex should NOT be transactional. Not with your WIFE. If you have sex it should be because you both want to have sex, not as her ‘paying’ her way out of being in trouble. That puts a disgusting precedent on sex between the two of you.”
“Do not accept the sex, take back the Rolex, and have a talk about this.” ~ strikes-twice
OP needs to figure out if this is a red flag or a deal breaker.
“No way, that behavior is completely off limits! Put a stop on her access to your account and have a very big discussion about boundaries.”
“Check your bank statement and take it back to the store for a refund. A piece that expensive will be remembered and they can refund directly into the account the money came out of.” ~ AggravatingPatient18
“Hijacking your reply to say even if she didn’t mean to use your card, she admitted she wanted to use the joint, and that’s still not fully her money.”
“Any big purchases like that that involves more than one’s own money should be absolutely discussed. I’d be livid if my husband took money out of either my account or the joint without talking to me first, no matter the intention” ~ TexasFordTough
“NTA. I’m a bankruptcy attorney and this is a MAJOR red flag. The ability to throw $5K+ on a random card without being sure it’s going on the correct card is a sign that there are many, many other problems going on here.”
“As far as the current incident goes- whether she drained your personal account without telling you or maxed out your credit card without telling you, this is a major issue that bears discussion. If she’s maxing out the joint bills account without telling you, that’s even worse.”
“Please open a credit karma account for yourself to see how much debt she’s put in your name (if any.) You should also ask her to show you her credit Karma account if you have any interest or expectation of bailing her out of her debt or wanting to know how much she owes.” ~ GroundbreakingWing48
“Just two months ago I threw $3k on a card and forgot which one it was until the bill came. Then I paid it in full from my checking account. It could have been 5, or 10 and I might not have double checked the card.”
“The ability to throw $5K+ on a random card might be more a sign of financial privilege than it is of financial irresponsibility.” ~ orangeflos
“The ability to throw 5k on your own card is a privilege, doing it on someone else’s sans permission is ethically wrong, especially buying their birthday present with it.” ~ Ng10022
OP’s wife needs some financial tips.