People should feel comfortable and respected in their own homes.
But sometimes guests don't prioritize respect.
This behavior can get someone banned.
Redditor u/Livid_Astronaut_4665 found themselves in a dilemma regarding their stepson's friend, so they turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
"AITAH for not wanting rude teens at my house?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Long story short, my stepson is 15 and likes to bring his friends over to our house every weekend."
"The first time I picked one of his friends up from her house, the girl was on the phone with someone when she got in the car and proceeded to talk on the phone for half the ride back home."
"When we got to the house, she didn't thank me or anything for driving her."
"She has been to our house a few times now and never says anything to me when she comes in."
"She doesn't say hi or acknowledge anyone when we make meals."
"She just eats, doesn't say thank you, and lets everyone else clean up the dishes."
"She doesn't offer to help."
"It may seem petty, but it all makes me feel like I'm a chauffeur and restaurant staff."
"In contrast, my stepson has another friend who, when she came over, walked right over to me, introduced herself, and was very nice, polite, and genuine."
"I feel very disrespected around the first and want to tell my stepson that I don't want people who are disrespectful to me in my house, and am wondering AITAH for that?
"I have a long history of abusive relationships where I allowed people to walk all over me, and now I can't tell if I'm overreacting or if this is truly disrespectful behavior."
"Thank you in advance."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here... for the most part.
"You're describing the difference between how kids are raised."
"My wife has no problem calling out rude kids, and it's improved their behavior around us at least."
"Kids get away with what you let them." ~ Final-Duty-2944
"Banning his friends is an overreaction."
"Talk to him about your expectations for guests." ~ keevathemuffin
"When I have my son’s teenage friends over to my house, I instruct them on what I expect their behavior to be."
"How else are they supposed to figure it out?"
"I tell them they are doing the dishes after dinner."
"Full stop."
"I tell them no shoes in the house."
"No running in the house."
"Quiet time after 11 PM."
"My house, my rules."
"I help manage their behavior in my home."
"I don’t really care if they engage in conversation with me; I’m not their friend."
"Why don’t you do this?" ~ Turbulent-Move4159
"I couldn’t agree more."
"The girl's parents obviously didn’t teach her any manners."
"Not saying it’s up to OP to teach her, but it is up to you to lay down your expectations for being in your home."
"Common courtesy seems to be very little to ask."
"Just talk to your stepson."
"And if necessary, talk to the girl next time you see her."
"If she behaves rudely after that, then you can decide." ~ ZookeepergameOld8988
"Out of respect for the stepson, I’d talk to him first."
"OP can tell him she’s not willing to put up with his friend’s behavior, and tell him his choices are..."
"(A) He can try talking with his friend himself to set expectations..."
"(B) He can stick to socializing with his friend away from home, or..."
"(C) OP will do as you’re suggesting and establish her boundaries by communicating directly with the friend as needed."
"Let him decide which of those will be least uncomfortable for him, and take it from there." ~ holesinallfoursocks
"Acknowledging someone's existence when they are driving your a*s around and saying thank you is so fu*king basic you shouldn't have to be told when you are 15."
"If she has made it this far in life without learning that, if not from her parents, then society as a whole, then she is either brain damaged or, more likely, rude on purpose."
"Either way, OP does not have to put up with it, and especially not someone who willingly ignores the literal first rules of social conduct that most learn as toddlers." ~ Remruna
"Talk to your stepson and have him tell the rude girl to start behaving or she won't be welcome at the house."
"If he won't, then you tell him she is no longer welcome and that you will not be chauffeuring her around."
"Then stick with it. NTA." ~ Chilling_Storm
"NTA, but my mom would just, with a smile, say, 'In this house we say hi, bye, and help with dishes when we are finished with a meal. You’re more than welcome, and we love having you here, but these are just how we do things around here.'" ~ Loud_Shallot_1367
"I used to have some very questionable friends as a teenager, and we got into all kinds of trouble short ot actual crime, but each and every one of these reprobates was scrupulously polite to my parents."
"I wouldn't let that kid into my car or my home again until she learns to behave like a civilized young adult human. NTA." ~ PurpleEmotional1401
"NTA, but people come from all sorts of houses. The best way to approach this is to ask if you can speak to any rude friends privately and take them into another room, and explain that manners count. When someone gives you a ride, or you enter their house or business, it is important to greet the person, and if giving a ride or feeding them, then thank them for that act."
"They should offer to help in some way, and that might mean helping clear the table or cleaning up any small messes they might make in the course of moving through other people's spaces."
"People will judge them for having bad manners, and they are at an age where they should start practicing manners."
"You would be doing them a favor." ~ FairyFartDaydreams
"NTA. If you try to tell your stepson not to bring this girl over, it won't go well."
"It sounds like this girl needs a little bit of schooling."
"Next time you pick her up, and make sure there is a next time."
"When she gets in the car, greet her, but do not let the car move until she hangs up her phone."
"Tell her hello, and chat with her. If she starts on her phone again, pull over until she gets the clue, tell her what she is doing is impolite, and that when you take the time to pick her up, you expect to be treated with respect."
"When you're finished eating, have her clean up."
"She obviously needs to be told what to do, so tell her to take her plate over to the sink, and instruct her step by step on what has to be done."
"I'm not saying to ask her to clean the kitchen, but definitely to police her own dishes."
"Your stepson will probably be embarrassed, but let him be embarrassed."
"He's a teenager, and frankly, it's your job."
"She's not learning manners at home, and you can only control what happens in your house."
"She is either going to learn or stop coming over."
"Either way, you've made your point."
"When she goes to leave, tell her it was nice to have her there, and you look forward to seeing her again."
"You may have to pull her aside and quietly tell her that it is polite to thank her host when she is leaving and to thank her driver, and that the importance of please and thank you in life is a lesson better learned earlier rather than later."
"I have no doubt her parents likely have tried to teach her these manners, but kids tune out their parents."
"But for some reason, when it comes from someone who's not their parent, it makes a bigger impression."
"This will be a win for you either way because either she'll stop coming over or her manners will improve." ~ oylaura
"NTA. All these people who are excusing this girl’s behavior are ridiculous."
"Kids are taught 'please and thank you' when they’re no older than 5."
"She has no excuse for disregarding your hospitality when all she has to do is perform basic politeness."
"You could also say the passive-aggressive 'you’re welcome!'”
"Any time she should say thank you and doesn’t. 😂"
"Maybe you and/or your husband explain to your son that you won’t do any more favors for someone who can’t appreciate them."
"He’s welcome to have any friends over, but they have to show some very basic respect (give examples)."
"Also communicate that you expect him to behave that way as well."
"Balance this with the desire to have the kids under your roof so you know what they’re up to."
"This is a bit jumbled, but I hope I got the point across." ~ gpisces
Reddit is with you, OP.
You shouldn't feel disrespected in your own home.
There is a way to have a healthy conversation about this.
Maybe this young lady will benefit from this type of parenting.
Good Luck.
