Sometimes, adult kids and parents just can't get along.
Particularly if someone oversteps their boundaries...
And steals something of great sentimental value.
Redditor MrRedditisHere wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for kicking my mom out of my house after she stole my (yes it's pathetic) houseplant?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm gonna keep this short because I just really need an opinion on this."
"I (F[emale] 22) have recently moved into my first apartment after ages of trying to find a job after college."
"It's been a pain, but I've managed to get away from my Mom and Dad."
"I've been here for about a month, and 2 days ago, my parents came around the house for dinner."
"Now, small side note: my partner passed away last year, and I've really been struggling without him."
"The last thing that he gave me for my birthday was a very small houseplant (one of the ones that pretty much survive forever if you take care of it)."
"So anyways after dinner I clean up and I notice it's gone, of course, I go into absolute PANIC mode because it's the last shard of my passed partner."
"I look all around the house for a good 30 minutes and cannot find the thing."
"So of course I get suspicious, it's hardly difficult to lose a damn house plant."
"I call up my parents and my Mom seems REALLY suspicious when I ask her about it, and after further questioning, she eventually gives up."
"She stuffed it into her handbag with her and took it."
"Of course, I was pissed and demanded it back, and my Mom kept on saying, 'It's not a big deal honey, it's just a plant,' and so and so despite my saying it's the last shard of my partner that I physically have left."
"I haven't spoken to her since, and I've really been considering going over there and giving her a piece of my mind."
"But at the end of the day, it is a plant and she does collect them, plus, it's my Mom."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Get the plant."
"Cut off the mother."
"From what you said about 'getting away from your parents,' it might be time. NTA."
"P.S. Who steals a house plant?" ~ scooby946
"That's what I've been sitting here wondering, stuffing it in her bag and lying about taking it like it was some big heist she just pulled off instead of stealing from her own daughter."
"And then to say it's no big deal after hearing what the plant really meant?"
"Yeah, I'm with you they don't need they kind of person in their life." ~ TurbulentTourist7337
"NTA. It is completely bonkers to steal another person's plants."
"Even if you collect them."
"I really like cats, but I can't walk into a friend's house and steal their cat."
"It is absolutely a big deal."
"She knew exactly what she was doing, and my guess is it's a long pattern of mental abuse from your family."
"Go over there, take back the plant, and tell them you need some space from them."
"I highly recommend working with a therapist to undo the amount of damage they have done to you."
"Mine has been a lifesaver."
"I'm sorry for your loss of your partner, and I hope you get your plant back." ~ EfficiencyForsaken96
"Even a friend who can drive with you over there and wait in the car helps tremendously."
"I've had a similar situation with an ex-friend who had boundary problems, and having someone keep me calm when I went to confront them was wonderful."
"I hope you go get your plant ASAP and moving forward really consider what you want the relationship with your parents to look like and the best ways to achieve it, even if it means going L[ow] C[ontact]/N[o] C[ontact] for a while."
"We're all cheering for you here!" ~ AllOfDaPuppies
"Why are you only 'considering?'"
"I truly don't understand your hesitation in being completely outraged that your mother stole from you, particularly considering the item's sentimental value."
"Your parents must have really done a number on you for you to think that any part of this is normal, okay, or not a big deal."
"It doesn't matter if your mom loves it, collects plants, or any other circumstances."
"Not okay. Period." ~ GlobalDragonfly1305
"So she just wanted the plant and decided to steal it?"
"Like you'd never notice?"
"Pretty strange stuff. NTA."
"She needs to explain herself." ~ SuperPookypower
"Look at this from the outside."
"A person came into your home and stole something from you. Period."
"You found the thief, and she confessed and used that excuse. It is just a plant."
"You, in fact, are starting to feel guilty because you, unfortunately, are related to the thief."
"If it is 'Just' a plant - why won't she return it?"
"Go to the house and take it back."
"It can't be that hard." ~ Different_One265
"NTA - but you need to go to your parent's house and take the plant back."
"Your mother did this on purpose to hurt you and to control you."
"She wanted to provoke a reaction from you, and she did, but she still kept the plant."
"She has no intention of giving it back."
"She doesn't care about your feelings or your property."
"She is telling you that anything you have, she has the power to take, and you don't have the strength of character to call her out and take it back."
"It's time for you to decide what message you want to give her."
"It's ok to take your stuff, even the stuff that means the most to you, or she is not entitled to take your stuff and you will take it back." ~ shout-out-1234
"Get your plant back."
"Cut off your mother until she genuinely apologizes (dad too if necessary)."
"This is even worse than stealing flowers off a grave!"
"She can cruise the local cemeteries if she wants a plant so damn bad."
"ETA: NTA!" ~ Gangster-Girl
"NTA- Absolutely go to her house ASAP!"
"Walk in say nothing to her, find the plant, and take it home."
"It brings you peace."
"What she did is selfish and hurtful."
"Please for your own sanity go get the plant."
"Then ignore her excuses because that's all they are."
"You do NOT HURT your own CHILD because you're selfish!!" ~ OwlUnique8712
"Girl GO GET IT!"
"That is theft."
"You could even have the cops handle it if you felt so inclined."
"NTA at all." ~ Dandi21091987
"NTA. Do you need to come and join us over in Raised by Narcissists?"
"Narcissists love hurting their children."
"Did she know your partner gave you the plant?"
"If so that's absolutely vile! I think you should go, with a friend and get the plant back."
"If your parents have keys to your house, change the locks ASAP!"
"This is really bizarre."
"I would be questioning her mental state, but if she knows your partner gave you the plant and she took it anyway, she's a dreadful mother and person."
"I'm very sorry OP, I hope you are doing OK." ~ TripleGoddess000
"NTA. Go get the plant."
"It's not 'just a plant'; it's the last thing your partner gave you and is highly symbolic."
"And it's deeply important to you."
"Your mother had no right to touch it; let alone steal it."
"And now she's minimizing her behavior while gaslighting you and, by extension, minimizing your right to grieve."
"Get your plant and put her on a time-out."
"And maybe your father too because he had to have seen the plant in her bag."
"I'm so very sorry for your loss 😪." ~ Beagle-Mumma
"NTA. She collects plants, that's great for her."
"Doesn't excuse what she did."
"If she went to the Walmart garden section and shoved a cute little succulent in her purse, she wouldn't get to say 'it's just a plant!!' to the cops."
"She stole from you, it is a big deal, and on top of that, it's a cherished, living memento."
"Not pathetic 💙 I hope you get your plant back." ~ Celestial_Duckie
"NTA... go get your plant back."
"Your mother had no right taking it."
"Even if it wasn't something that your late partner gave you, she doesn't have a right to be taking anything that is yours." ~ Crafty_Special_7052
"NTA. Of course,e you are not the a**hole here!"
"This is maybe better suited for Am I Overreacting, honestly, not sure what I'm judging."
"But, no, in theory, you would not be an a**hole for 'giving your mom a piece of your mind,' depending on what you said of course."
"She is an a**hole though."
"After you explained the importance and significance of the plant, she should have given it back to you." ~ Even_Budget2078
"NTA. Go get your plant back."
"Only meet them in public from now on."
"If they ask why, explain that their actions have shown that they can't be trusted in your home, so now they will no longer be welcome."
"Then don't let them in again."
"Maybe if she gives a real genuine apology, but honestly, I wouldn't let a known thief into my home 🤷♀️." ~ MissMalTheSpongeGal
"NTA... go get your plant, and if she doesn't give it to you, let her know you are willing to call the cops."
"Just because she's your mom doesn't mean it's okay." ~ No_Supermarket_7410
"Go and get your plant." ~ Worried_Suit4820
Reddit wants you to go get your plant, OP!
This is outrageous behavior.
That plant means something special to you.
You have every right to be angry.
So sorry about your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp