How a person accessorizes and adorns their body is a very personal matter.
People don't often take kindly to unsolicited criticism.
This can be especially problematic in relationships.
Who knew jewelry could be so divisive?
A wife found herself in a personal dilemma regarding her husband's request, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Redditor Common-Expression740 asked:
"AITAH for immediately saying 'no' when my husband asked me to stop wearing earrings because he said they make a woman look older?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband (41 M[ale]) looks significantly younger than me (43 F[emale])."
"Yesterday, my husband said he would like to talk to me."
"He told me he loves me, and that nothing will ever change that."
"He said I'm an amazing mom."
"And more sweet things."
"Then he mentioned how earrings make a woman look older."
"He asked if I could stop wearing earrings because they're making me look older."
"In less than 20 seconds of him asking, I said 'No.'"
"I don't think I have ever rejected a request from my husband so fast."
"I usually think things through for a longer period."
"My husband said he's disappointed that I answered no so quickly."
"I got annoyed with him and told him he has to deal with the fact that he has an old-looking wife. "
"He said he didn't want to deal with me when I'm like this, and he walked away."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"That, coupled with him not wanting to 'deal with you' when you're 'like this,' is wild."
"He said something stupid and rude, you reacted way better than most would, and he decides to then act like you are the unreasonable one?"
"Def NTA but husband sure is." ~ annaxk4
"I'm about to be 55."
"Last year, I finally got a flat helix piercing that I've wanted since I was 16."
"I also got a 3rd lobe piercing on both ears."
"I told my 8 years younger husband that the older I get, the less 'age appropriate' I plan to be."
"Luckily, he loves my craziness."
"I find it so inspiring to see women celebrating themselves through clothes and accessories!"
"I plan to be 80 yo wearing huge, colourful doorknocker earrings!"
"I had one hidden tattoo when we met almost 20 years ago."
"In the last 9 years, I've added 5 more with a 6th planned and booked."
"He's not a fan of tattoos, but he says it's my body, and he loves me, so he supports whatever I want to do."
"He did ask, very respectfully, that I not tattoo my breasts."
"I didn't plan to, so it was an easy agreement."
"He actually helped design the one I'm getting next!"
"In my honest opinion, THAT is how it should be." ~ coveredinbreakfast
"NTA. So, earrings make you look old? Ok."
"I guess I look extra old."
"And so does my teenage daughter because we both have multiple piercings."
"Not a single part of that argument makes sense."
"There has to be more to it than just earrings." ~ EfficientSociety73
"NTA, I mean no offence to your husband, but this is the dumbest thing I have ever heard in a while."
"How can earrings make a woman look older?? 🤔"
"Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it looks like he is trying to tell you that you look older and you 'have to do something about it' and using earrings as an excuse to bring up the topic."
"Disgusting in either way." ~vortexaoth
"The earrings might be a decoy to put the idea of aging being a bad thing into your head( it's not!), and thus putting the blame on you for looking older because you wear them."
"It sounds more like a scapegoat for some thoughts he might or might not have."
"Thoughts that are entirely his problem."
"He cannot be that dumb to actually think that earrings make you look older?"
"That's incredibly ridiculous."
"But I think a very honest discussion needs to be had with this man as to why he thinks he gets a say in how you dress." ~ Freethecaterpillar-3
"Wow - he really blew it."
"Your abrupt 'no' is so perfect."
"Thank you, on behalf of all the women of the world."
"What a weird thing to get hung up on that is in no way true or quantifiable - earrings."
"I mean, is he effing for real right now?"
"And also, being old is something he is also doing, and no matter what, if he lives long enough (or any of us, for that matter, no matter how cute we were in youth) are gonna be 'older' someday AND look it!"
"Tell him to find some other dumb impermanent thing to get hung up on that doesn't have to do with you."
"His time is coming soon anyway."
"Even if he looks good now, it won't last forever."
"There is no escape!"
"Don't fear the reaper, bruh!"
"Sorry, babe, but thanks for answering him that way."
"It's so gratifying!" ~ Beastie4Lif3
"NTA, I am 5 years older than my husband."
"He has never asked me to stop wearing anything because it makes me look older."
"I am older!"
"I am 58 and dress more like Adam Sandler than some sexy woman."
"I want comfort."
"Your husband is a weirdo." ~ MoparMedusa
"NTA. My 65-year-old father, whom I consulted on this, says your husband is an idiot unless you have some strange earrings."
"If he doesn't like your earrings, he should buy some for you that he does like and give them to you."
"That is his advice."
"He and my mom were happily together and in love for almost 45 years when she unexpectedly passed a few years ago."
"He has not taken off his wedding ring." ~ notrobert7
"NTA - When you're like this?"
"So, when you don't agree to coddle whatever ego problem or insecurity he's trying to foist off on you?"
"How kind of you, he'll continue to love you, and it doesn't make you a bad mom to *checks notes* look older."
"There's a lot to talk about there, but none of it is related to earrings." ~ IDMike2008
"NTA, and you know why you're not the AH."
"But this is giving big midlife crisis vibes."
"Or vibes like someone is complimenting his young looks or commenting on his wife's older appearance."
"So watch for the typical behaviors." ~ LiluLay
"I am 13 years older than my husband."
"My hair is salt and pepper, leaning mostly towards salt these days."
"A couple of months ago, a taxi driver mistook me for my husband's mother."
"My husband, when he told me about the driver's remark, said that he had thought about French kissing me in front of the driver."
"He wasn't the least bit ashamed of the fact that I looked older than him."
"I am!"
"I currently have purple hair, by the way."
"F**k that cab driver." ~ Sea-Dish4364
"I'd ask, WTF is it wrong with a woman looking older?"
"Like, we get older."
"I am 64."
"There's nothing wrong with not looking 30 when I'm godd**n 64."
"That's not even getting into the idiocy of the notion that earrings age a woman."
"This is deeper than earrings. NTA." ~ plutosdarling
"Ahhh, nothing like some misogyny from your own husband."
"He's scared of aging, and somewhere along the line, he's tied his fear of aging to having a certain-looking type of wife."
"He's old but still dumb and immature and vapid."
"His next wife will be 27."
"Save yourself the next two years of strife while he continuously breaks you down and picks at you all, while acting like you're the problem, and just dump him now."
"The audacity to come to your partner and tell them to stop wearing earrings because they look old."
"Like, boy, you have me confused with someone else to come to my face and say that crazy ish."
"OooooOooo." ~ Beginning_Strain_787
"Earrings make women look older!?!!"
"This is the most absurd thing I've ever heard."
'There is no way his request has anything to do with earrings."
"Very easy and obvious NTA."
"But if I were you, I'd have a conversation with your husband to find out where he got this stupid idea from because something feels off." ~ MyReditName_1
"NTA, I really had to think about this one."
"Is there maybe a particular style of earring that makes someone look old?"
'Couldn't think of anything."
"The only thing I could come up with is people who have been wearing heavy earrings for a long time, and the earlobe is stretched from the weight."
"Admittedly, that makes people look old."
"It's not the earrings, though, it's the earlobe, so it would probably look the same even without earrings in it?" ~ bluemercutio
"I just turned 45 and have three lobe piercings per ear and plan for a belly button piercing to celebrate my 50th, and my husband can suck eggs if he doesn't like it."
"Never heard anything so stupidly mansplained in my life."
"Tell him he needs to stop wearing Nikes as they make him look old, and see how he likes it."
"Earrings used to signify class and wealth many years ago."
"Your husband is a muppet and a control freak." ~ BabyGiggles123
"NTA. I'm not even sure where the heck he was coming from… Earrings are decor, occasionally a statement. "
"They have nothing to do with whether a woman looks older or not, except maybe style." ~ Plastic_Position4979
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is a ridiculous request.
It's your body, do what you want to.
Your husband will have to deal.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp