Sometimes you can't help but feel that parents go out of their way to embarrass us.
Be it telling our friends a story we hoped no one would ever hear again or making a joke about our job, clothes, or lifestyle choices that they find hilarious but we can't find the humor in... It seems they always find a way to turn our faces red and make us want to hide our heads in our turtlenecks.
Perhaps the universal irony of this situation is that our parents tend to get even angrier when we embarrass them, intentionally or accidentally.
Redditor mymomnamedme did not love one particular personal story that his mother seemed to love to tell above all others.
Something she continued to tell, despite the original poster (OP)'s constant requests for her to stop.
After she continued to ignore his pleas, the OP was eventually led to call her out on... in public.
After being told he may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mother to stop telling people the story behind my name?"
The OP explained how his mother telling a story he found embarrassing found a way to embarrass her as well:
"I (15 M[ale]) and my mother (39 F[emale]) have similar names due to my mother naming me after her."
"I don't dislike my name at all."
"But the story behind it and how my mother constantly wants to tell it to the world is the problem."
"For backstory, I am her second child and for her first child, my older brother (20 M[ale]) she wanted to know his gender, and she found out and named him."
"For me however, she decided to keep it a surprise."
"However, she, for some reason, was confident that I would be female and was dead set on naming me after her."
"Her name is Alexandra, so she would have named me Alexandra as well (fake names)."
"When I came out male, she simply named me Alexander (fake name)."
"However she would constantly tell everyone she befriended, if we were together, the story on how I was named."
"It embarrasses me to no end, and I've told her over and over to please not tell that to every new friend she or I make."
"She even told all of my friend's parents the story despite me asking her not to tell them (she wants to meet my friend's parents for the first time if I want to sleep over for whatever reason)."
"This all boiled down to Thursday when my mother and I went to the grocery store and as we were leaving a duo of Charity workers came up to us to ask us if we were willing to donate to their cause."
"My mother being the social butterfly she, sparked up a conversation with them."
"As the two introduced themselves to us, my mother followed suit and, of course, told them the story I dreaded she would."
"'My name is Alexandra and this is my son Alexander, he was supposed to be a girl and take my name'."
"'But he came out a boy, so I named him after me'."
"I got a bit angry and told her:"
"'I really wish you wouldn't tell every stranger you meet on the street that; it makes me feel embarrassed and mad.'"
"It got silent, and my mother's face twisted, and I just told the Charity workers that she'll donate next time and started walking to the car."
"The car ride home was silent, and when we got home, she told me that I really embarrassed her back at the store and that I should have told her something after we got in the car that I didn't like her telling that story."
"I've said to her that I've told her repeatedly that I don't like her telling everyone with a pulse that she befriends that story and that I got fed up with her blatantly ignoring me and my request to stop."
"She just told me to go to my room and not come out."
"She, of course, told everyone in my family what I did, and my stepdad and grandparents said I shouldn't have embarrassed her like that and to apologize to her."
"My brother and best friend told me I was right to call her out since I've told her many times to stop embarrassing me with that story and that she needed to learn what I felt."
"I do feel bad and want to apologize and talk to her, but at the same time I still feel like I'm right and that she needed to feel what I feel."
"So AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community stood firmly behind the OP and agreed he was not the a**hole for calling out his mother in public.
Everyone agreed that the OP's mom knew that he didn't like it when she told that story, and she should have respected his wishes, her embarrassment should give her a sense of how the OP feels every time she tells the story:
"NTA."
"It's not even a good story."
"It's not even a story, honestly."- OkeyDokey654
"NTA."
"You've spoken to her about this before, so she can't say she's unaware of your feelings about it."
"I guess maybe she wants to show off the fact you're named after her, but to do it to total strangers is a weird one."
"If it took calling her out publicly for her stop, then it was worth it."
"Ask her why she's comfortable disregarding your feelings on the matter."- PrincessCG
"NTA."
"Everytime your mother meets someone new, she tells them you are not what she wanted and that she wanted a girl."
"That has to hurt."
"And your father is worried about her feelings being hurt?"
"Why is she embarrassed?"
"Because she realised she was hurting you?"
"But she had to reframe that in terms of herself."
"I am so sorry."- Timely_Egg_6827
"NTA."
"When she embarrasses you and you have asked her to stop... this is the way."
"Fight fire with fire."
"Here is how this works:"
"Every time she tells the story she gets a sweet smile out of people."
"This provides a gentle social dopamine kick."
"If she listened to you, she would not get that kick."
"She does not even think about it."
"Telling the story is associated with a little dopamine kick."
"Your telling her you don't like it does not register."
"The positive connection between story = positive feedback is a direct link in her brain."
"Your whining takes the long route of reason."
"Solution: You associate the story with a negative feedback."
"Example."
"Every time she starts telling the story, you interrupt and tell the person: 'My mother loves to tell how I got a girl's name. Even though I have told her I have heard it enough, she values the approval of strangers over the feelings of her own son'."
"Make it short, snappy, and spot-on."
"She will not like it."
"But keep it up, and in her brain the wiring will change: From 'telling this makes me feel liked' to 'telling this makes me feel embarrassed'."
"You have every right to tell your version of the story."
"Just take all the punishment at home."
"And then in the next situation, you do it again."
"You must reinforce this a couple of times."- LightPhotographer
"NTA it's not even a cute story."
"At this point, by bringing it up all the time with no real prompt or opening for it , she is only doing it to embarrass you."- Benjireddevil
"NTA."
"And it is probably not a good thing for her own sake to keep telling strangers that either."
"I can only speak for myself, but if someone I barely knew followed up an introduction of their child with 'they were supposed to be another gender,.'"
"I might smile and nod, but it wouldn't sit right with me? If there had been ultrasound involved, it could perhaps have been a different story, but otherwise, it just kind of sounds like 'I did not get what I really wanted, and you need to know that'."- Slight-Progress4414
"NTA."
"Just start adding to it whenever she tells the story."
"'Yeah she couldn't be bothered thinking up a new name when I wasn't a girl'."
"Or 'Thank god her name wasn't Rebeca or Sarah or another female name that has no male version of it'."
"Or."
"'Yeah her father thought they were having a boy and chose a name and had to finalise it and I got the proper name'."- EnticingDan
No one likes to be embarrassed in public.
Something perhaps the OP's mother will realize, and think about how she's affecting her son, now that she knows how she feels.
One also can't help but wonder if anyone actually found her story amusing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp