When a person is studying for a big exam or finishing up an important work project, they tend to want the outside world to leave them alone until the tasks are completed.
Pulling focus from someone's studies or work, even for a brief moment, can cause extra stress.
But not everyone gets that message.
Redditor BroadContract7501 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to do my husband a favor, even if I was capable of doing it?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (25 F[emale]) am a 4th year vet student married to my husband (27 M[ale])."
"I have an exam in 4 days that I have been frantically studying for."
"This morning I was actively typing/studying on my computer when my husband came in and asked if I could do him a favor."
"He said that he needed new work pants, but when he tried to log in to his Amazon account yesterday, he was locked out."
"He asked that I just buy the pants for him using my Amazon account."
"He said that I had purchased the pants before, so the order info should be saved somewhere in my history."
"I told him that he has access to my Amazon account on his computer and could use my account to get them for himself."
"I said that while I was physically capable of going and doing it for him, he could also do it just as easily, and it just wasn't a priority for me right now."
"He got pretty upset."
"He said he never asks for favors, and I couldn't do this one thing for him."
"It's true that he doesn't often ask for favors from me, but it's not true that I don't do things for him."
"It's just that it was a bad time for him to ask, and I feel like he can do it himself."
"I feel like I might be the a**hole for just blanketly saying no, especially after he got so upset."
"I am capable of doing him the favor, even if it's a really bad time for it."
"But, I also feel like he should be more considerate of my time and effort right now, and I offered him the solution of him using my account on his computer."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITA for refusing to do the favor?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"What gets me in particular is that it's not even 'here's the direct link to the item in the color/size I want, so you only need to press the add to cart button and check out to minimise my disruption of your time.'"
"It's 'you've ordered them from your account before, so you 'only' need to trawl through your order history to find the item and check for yourself what color/size I wanted last time and then order those.'"
"Like... that could easily take ten or more minutes, depending on how much order history there is."
"If you remember when they were last purchased, or even the correct words to use for a search to find them, and provided it was the exact same item from the exact same seller, because if it wasn't, then the item might not be available even if you did buy something previously."
"A direct link would have meant it was a 30-second request, tops."
"Add to cart, check out, done.'
"But he couldn't even do that work himself, she was asked to do all the emotional labour around it on top of everything, while she's in the middle of cramming for an important exam."
"And she's here asking if she's the AH?"
"Absolutely TF not OP. NTA." ~ Dishmastah
"I used to work for the federal government, and there were quite a few veterinarians and vet students who worked there."
"Not only is vet med highly competitive, but it is also incredibly challenging."
"Him asking during this stressful time is disrespectful, and getting pissed off about her not helping is entitled."
"OP is NTA and should not give in." ~ Shazam1269
"You're in the middle of preparing for a major exam that your entire career depends on."
"Your time, focus, and mental bandwidth are legitimately limited right now."
"The favor he asked for wasn't urgent, complicated, or something he couldn't do himself; he literally has access to your account already." ~ Helpful-Ad9732
"NTA. If he had open access on his computer and permission to use your Amazon account, there's absolutely no reason you should be interrupted to do it for him."
"He had the access, and he can see the order history, and he can click purchase again."
"His insisting that you do it for him while you're in the middle of studying for an exam makes no sense."
"If this were something you had sole access to, I may feel like okay, just do it - but to me, this is like him disrupting your studies to make him a PB&J in the kitchen or toast."
"He can easily do it - he just doesn't want to." ~ BlondDee1970
"NTA, that's an insane request if he has access to your Amazon account."
"Or he can be an adult and unlock his own account??"
"Men like this make the rest of us look bad." ~ tedlassoloverz
"NTA. If you're going to be an adult human who cannot buy his own clothes, the least you can do is pick your moments to ask someone else to do it for you."
"Surely the work pants issue was not so desperate that it couldn't be addressed after the test was over." ~ ExtraplanetJanet
"NTA. Whether he realizes it or not, this is weaponized incompetence."
"He is using emotional leverage to make you feel bad for not dropping everything and doing a favor for him that he could have accomplished very easily on his own instead of interrupting your work." ~ Numb3r3dDays
"NTA. Either of you could do this 2 min action."
"He chose not to do it for himself because it's easier to delegate, you chose not to do it for him because you're studying for an exam." ~ BlueyIsAwesome
"NTA. Your husband was capable of doing it himself."
"If he didn't realize he could access your Amazon account on his computer and thought he needed your help, he should have held onto that request."
'You were focused in a flow state studying something important to you."
"A better interruption would have been, 'I'm sorry. Quick question. When would you like me to serve you dinner?'"
"While breaking away to eat would have been the appropriate time to ask about the pants."
"Your husband respected neither your time nor the importance of the task at hand to you."
"If this is an ongoing thing and your husband won't prioritize your need for uninterrupted study time, you alone need to prioritize it away from him."
"Libraries, coffee shops, and even some hospital lounges offer free WiFi with a place to set up." ~ BryonyVaughn
"I'm guessing he resents the fact that he's not getting her undivided attention because she's been studying hard."
"I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it was getting close to dinner time, too, and he figured if he could get her concentration away from studying, maybe she'll make him dinner while she's at it."
"I guess that's a pretty cynical take on it, but I think there are far too many men who expect their partners to take care of all the boring, little annoying things they don't want to be bothered with."
"There's also a possibility that he realizes that in a few years, she may be out-earning him, and maybe subconsciously, he doesn't want her to succeed."
"But the simplest, most likely explanation is that he doesn't prioritize her needs and is willing to break her concentration to take care of his non-urgent request that he could easily have taken care of himself."
"NTA all the way." ~ 10S_NE1
"NTA. All these E-S-H and Y-T-A must be men who do the same thing to their wives/girlfriends."
"You were in the middle of studying."
"He has access to your Amazon account."
"He can do it himself." ~ _Counting_Worms_1
"100%. This is a very clear-cut case."
"The fact that anyone could think OP should just drop their work and go order a pair of pants for a guy who could easily do it himself tells me it's a lot of guys who can't do s**t for themselves."
"I even see some of them insinuating she's not a supportive wife for not doing this, etc."
"Ridiculous." ~ Numb3r3dDays
"NTA. He was interrupting your work when he could have easily clicked the forget password button and made a new password in under two minutes."
"I've locked myself out several times."
"This is not something that takes a long time to fix."
"I always get a new password link in a minute or two."
"Seems like he was lazy, weaponized incompetence, or just trying to use your money from your account, or trying to interrupt your work." ~ 11throwaway88
"NTA. Oh no, absolutely not."
"He's a grown man; he had every capability of doing this himself, and you were studying."
"The audacity and selfishness of asking you to do something so mundane that he could easily have done while you were so busy is really showing you the person he is."
"Keep an eye on this selfish behavior."
"If he keeps treating his little tasks as more important than your education or acts in a similar manner about anything else as important as your education, make your plans and get away." ~ International-Fee255
"NTA, I think there needs to be a conversation about what you do for each other."
"It sounds like he doesn't see what you're doing for him, or he doesn't realize how much [time/effort/energy] that is."
"Talk about expectations going forward, i.e., if you have a test coming up, you can't do trivial tasks for him that he can do himself." ~ Nnnnnnnnnnnon
Reddit is with you, OP.
You're in the middle of something very important.
All he had to do was log in to your account.
You aceing your exam is a good thing for both of you.
It's not difficult to order pants.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp