It’s always an adjustment for parents when their children become adults.
Many parents have a lot of trouble not “parenting”, sharing input and observations with their children, whether they asked for it or not.
Sometimes, this help and input are appreciated, as their children know that in a pinch, they can always depend on their parents.
Other times, it might feel a bit overbearing, if not downright invasive.
The mother of Redditor NeatMuffin9019 helped her with an important milestone on her way to adulthood.
While the original poster (OP) appreciated this initial help, she was less thrilled that her mother remained actively involved in this part of her life.
Eventually, setting a clear boundary.
After her mother accused her of “breaking her trust”, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to give my mom access to my bank account after she helped me open it?”
The OP explained why she felt the need to restrict her mother’s access to a specific part of her life:
“I (18 F[emale]) just turned 18 a few months ago and opened my own bank account.”
“When I first did it, my mom helped me set everything up since I had no idea what I was doing.”
“Because of that, she still has access to my account.”
“At the time I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“Recently I noticed she’s been checking my transactions and commenting on them.”
“Like if I order food or buy clothes, she’ll bring it up later and say stuff like ‘you’re wasting money’ or ‘that’s not necessary’.”
“Last week she asked me why I spent money on going out with friends and said I should be saving instead.”
“I told her it’s my money and I’m trying to learn how to manage it myself.”
“She got upset and said since she helped me open the account and I still live at home, she has a right to see what I’m doing with my money.”
“That didn’t sit right with me, so I went to the bank and removed her access without telling her.”
“She found out a few days later and was mad.”
“She said I went behind her back, that I’m being sneaky, and that I’m ‘not ready to be independent’ if I can’t be transparent.”
“Now things are tense at home and she keeps bringing it up, saying I broke her trust.”
“I get that she was helping me, but I also feel like I should have some privacy now that I’m 18.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for blocking her mother from seeing her bank account.
Everyone agreed that this was not an issue of transparency, and if anyone broke someone’s trust, it was the OP’s mother:
“NTA.”
“That’s a guilt trip.”
“Ignore it.”
“But be aware that she’ll probably try to do this kind of thing if you ask for help on things in the future.”
“Better to Google how-to instructions than ask mom.”- chocolate_chip_kirsy
“NTA.”
“You’re 18.”
“It was smart to remove her access to your account.”
“Maybe set up a savings account too and put a percentage of the money you make in it.”
“Or don’t.”
“It’s your money.”
“But be aware she may want to start charging you rent or find some way of getting some of it, if she’s not already.”- annarich310
“NTA.”
“She doesn’t need access.”- WholeAd2742
“NTA.”
“My mom made me a minor bank account at the age of 16 and never once cared to look what I was doing, short of sending me money, or asking me to send her money, it was my own.”
“When I turned 18 she removed herself.”
“It’s weird that she’s pocket watching you.”- xHey_All_You_Peoplex
“NTA.”
“Mom needs to learn the difference between ‘being independent’ and ‘being transparent’, those wires sound crossed.”- StrangeWork957
“NTA.”
“It’s like saying I taught you how to use the bathroom, so I should be allowed to leave the door open.”- angelcrumbie
“NTA.”
“You’re an adult.”
“She needs zero access, and I’m saying this as a mother of a 19 year old with her own bank account that I have NO access to.”- BurnerForFunsies
“NTA.”
“She absolutely does not have an inherent right to know what you do with the money you earn.”
“However, the comments she’s made about living there rub me in a worrisome way.”
“There are many homeless young adults because the parents were my way or the high way types.”
“Please make sure you have other stable living arrangements you can go to should she decide to kick you out.”
“You are 18 and while it’d be morally wrong of them to kick you out over this they are not legally obligated to let you live there.”- AGracefulPromise
“I actually think she broke your trust by snooping on your account.”
“NTA.”
“Don’t cave.”- PoolExtension5517
“NTA.”
“Keep her off of it as well.”- Rachel1578
“NTA.”
“Your bank account is your personal property, and you’re an adult.”
“So she has NO right to demand access to it.”
“If you want to calm her down a bit, sit down with her and discuss finances in a general way, and let her give you some advice about how to budget.”
“But don’t let her manipulate you into giving her your private information.”- No_Difficulty_9365
“NTA.”
“OP, you should also lock down your credit.”
“You mom has my spidey senses tingling.”- FairBaker315
“NTA.”
“Your mom is being so inappropriate.”- Glittering_Smell_
“NTA.”
“I recommend you make a budget for your own sake if you don’t already have one.”
“If there is one thing I wish I could go back and tell my 18 year old self (besides to buy property ASAP), it would be to learn financial literacy and take it seriously while I still had the safety net of living with my mom.”
“I frittered away so much petty cash, when I could easily have still had a great time and also hit savings goals.”- FairyCompetent
“NTA.”
“My mom was like this.”
“She would say I needed to learn to be independent but would constantly hover around my business even years after I moved out.”
“Part of becoming independent is learning how to do things on your own.”
“This includes spending your own money.”
“I really wish my mom would’ve just let me be and allowed me to come to her when I did have problems.”
“Even 20 years later I keep her at a distance because of this behavior.”- akriirose
“NTA.”
“I recently set up my child’s bank account.”
“I have asked once how it was going.”
“That’s it.”
“It’s not my money.”- No_Use_9124
“NTA.”
“She proved why you were right to take her off the account.”
“She couldn’t keep out of it.”
“How will you ever independent if she doesn’t allow you to do things in your own?”
“You may make mistakes but that’s how you learn.”- keesouth
“NTA.”
“Assuming you’re taking care of any financial obligations you have, money you’ve earned is yours to do with as you please.”
“I have three adult children.”
“I had access to their bank accounts until they moved out (one still lives at home, and I can still access her account if I want to).”
“I never once looked at what my kids did with their money.”
“We had an arrangement regarding what they were responsible for paying, they held up their end of the bargain, and I stayed out of their business.”- squirrell1974
“NTA.”
“You didn’t break her trust, she broke yours.”- Embarrassed_dancer
“Oh boy.”
“NTA, first of all.”
“If there was any ‘trust breaking’ here, it was by her, when she started checking up on your finances without your permission or approval.”
“I can understand her being concerned, but this behavior goes well beyond concerned, and ventures way into boundary stomping and entitlement.”
“I think it’s great that you removed her access.”
“Make sure you change your online password, as well, otherwise she may still be able to gain access that way.”- NotARobotDefACyborg
“NTA.”
“The way to help you learn money management isn’t asking critical one-off questions.”
“It would be to sit down and talk in concrete terms about goals, debts, expenses, etc.”
“Every budget has a % of ‘fun money’ set aside, too.”- Physical_Revelry
“NTA.”
“You’re an adult.”
“When I turned 18 I went and made a new bank account that my mother did not have access to and she pitched a fit too.”- Ranger_368
Most parents like to help their children with their first steps into their adult lives, and that help is almost always appreciated.
However, there is a fine line between helping their children and controlling their lives.
And the OP’s mother seems to be erring on the latter.
At the end of the day, the OP’s mother will be able to clearly tell if the OP is spending her money responsibly without constantly peeking at her bank account.