When parents get divorced, it affects the entire family.
Indeed, sometimes their children have a much more difficult time handling this bad news than their parents do.
In particularly unfortunate cases, a child might blame one parent for the divorce.
Sometimes permanently damaging their relationship.
The parents of Redditor Over-Opposite4321 got divorced when he was just a young boy after his father discovered some unfortunate secrets his mother had been keeping from them.
As a result, the original poster (OP) found himself unable to forgive his mother.
Further complicating matters, the OP's mother demanded he step up and take on some duties that would normally fall on his father.
A demand the OP flatly refused to do.
Wondering if he was being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my mom I won't let her turn me into my half sister's dad because she's a cheater?"
The OP explained why he felt the need to confront his mother over what he felt was an unreasonable demand:
"My dad left my mom when I (15 M[ale]) was 10 because my mom cheated and dad found out my half sister, who was 2 months old at the time, wasn't his."
"He did a DNA test to check btw."
"My parents fought a lot about dad leaving and when he was doing divorce stuff he asked to be taken off my half sister's birth certificate and they fought in court about my dad wanting to sever ties with my half sister."
"Mom wanted him to take care of both of us."
"He only wanted me."
"Dad won."
"My parents have 50/50 custody of me."
"My mom doesn't know who my half sister's dad is."
"I heard her admit she cheated a lot and had one night stands with guys she didn't even know the name of."
"It broke my dad because I had another sister who was stillborn when I was like 6 and dad questions whether she was his or whether he grieves for another man's kid."
"I heard them argue about this stuff at the time."
"I'd rather live with my dad."
"I hate my mom for destroying our family."
"I hate her for having a kid with someone else."
"But I also hate her because she tries to get me to make up for my half sister not having a dad."
"She's always asking me to take more of an interest in my half sister and to not say half and to be the male role model she needs."
"She also told me I could talk to dad about how unfair it is that he loved her for two months and then abandoned her and that he was wrong."
"She told me he did a DNA test on me so maybe he would have left me too and didn't I think that would be wrong after 10 years so why isn't it wrong that he did it to my half sister."
"Before I left for my dad's house mom and I got into a fight and I told her I won't let her turn me into my half sister's dad because she's a cheater."
"Mom yelled at me and she sent me dozens of texts since Friday night demanding I apologize and do better and saying I'm taking marriage issues out on her and my half sister."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community firmly had the back of the OP, whom they wholeheartedly agreed was not the a**hole for telling his mom he would not be his half-sister's father figure.
Everyone agreed that the OP's mother was way out of line, as no matter the circumstances, the OP is still a child, and she was demanding way too much of him, with some even urging the OP to try and get his father to fight once more for full custody of him:
"NTA."
"Your mom is a piece of work though."
"Try asking your dad to go back to court to ask for full custody with no visitation."
'You are old enough that the judge should listen to you and what you want."
"Good luck OP."- Comfortable-Sea-2454
"NTA."
"But tell this all to your dad."
"Maybe he can use it in court to get full custody for you."
Also I don't know the rules in your home country, but in some you are allowed to choose with which parent you want to live after turning 14."- Trevena_Ice
"Nope NTA."
"You are 15."
"You are not and should not be responsible for your half sister."
"It's only natural for you to harbor resentment towards your mom for destroying your family."
"There is no excuse for your mom's abhorrent behavior."
"If she wasn't happy in her marriage she could have left."
"Or gotten counseling."
"Something."
"Cheating is the most selfish and cowardly thing you can do in a relationship imo."
"If she wanted her daughter to 'have a male role model' then she should have thought about that before she slept around."
"You are a 15 year old kid."
"This is so not your problem."
"It'll suck for your sister when she gets older too because none of this is her fault either, but your responsibility towards her is just not to be a d*ck and that's about it."
"You'll be graduating before she finishes elementary school."
"Your mom isn't owning her sh*t like an adult and treating you as her child, she is deflecting because she can't cope with the consequences of her actions and is trying to drag you into her mess."
"That's not ok."
"You are not the AH for establishing some boundaries and making your feelings and expectations known."
"I mean, I'm a bit of a sh*t so I'd just tell her: 'Look Mom, I get that you have a shiny new kid now, but I was here first, and I'm not doing so great thanks to you, so if you want a babysitter you can pay me'."
"I didn't sign up to be a surrogate dad when you messed up your marriage."
"In fact, I didn't sign up for any of this, but I have no choice because I'M THE KID IN THIS PICTURE."
"So If you think it's 'selfish' of me to tell it like it is and attempt to protect a shred of my own mental health in this sh*tfest you're putting me through that's fine, it's just what I learned from the female role model in my life'."
"Take it from a kid that was parentified and was basically my parents couples therapist from the age of 10 until I got married myself and learned to put up my own boundaries in therapy, you are absolutely NTA."
"She has no right to add her adult drama to your plate."
"That is damaging."
"In fact I would look into therapy for yourself sooner rather than later if you can, maybe see if someone at school or your dad can help?"
"What you went through and are dealing with is traumatic and having good coping skills and someone to vent to will help make the next couple years until you graduate and get out of the custody situation better."
"Hang in there."
"I'm sorry about your situation."- -BashfulClam
"NTA."
"Might be time to speak to the judge about how you don't want to live with your mom anymore."- Dominique-Gleeful
"'I'm taking marriage issues out on her and my half sister'."
"YOU don't have marriage issues."
"NTA."- Lagoon13579
"NTA."
"Your mother has problems."
"None of them are your fault or your issue to deal with."
"Better times are ahead."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"Your mom sounds unwell."
"Like seriously mentally unwell."
"Are you, and your half-sister, safe in the home?"
"I can't even wrap my brain around how she thinks a man is going to support the child of a one-night stand when he is the one who was betrayed by that one-night stand."
"Too many men won't even support their biological kids."
"She seems detached from reality."
"It's concerning that she has no idea who your half-sister's father is."
"Your mom has apparently been mentally unwell for a while now."
"Healthy people don't behave like that."
"I hope she is a lot more cautious and discerning in her choice of sexual partners these days, and isn't bringing strangers home."
"Getting therapy yourself to stay sane in all of this is a great idea."
"But, truthfully, your mom probably needs it even more."- LK_Feral
"NTA!"
"Her 'marriage issues' landed you all in this situation."
"I fully agree with the person who suggested your Dad going back to court for you."
"Best wishes to you."- JoanneMia
It's not unreasonable for the OP's mother to want her daughter to have a father figure.
However, she cannot expect her teenage son to fill that void, particularly after all the emotional damage she caused in their family.
And if one father figure to her children was this important to her, she probably should have thought about that before sleeping around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp