We all know what it’s like to be excluded from something and can attest to how hurtful and long-lasting that feeling is.
But nothing hurts quite like being excluded by family, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Elegant_Payment_4076 became increasingly concerned by how obviously excluded her daughter, who was the only girl relative among her brother and male cousins.
But when she was excluded from her uncle’s wedding party, with all of her cousins and future female relatives included, the Original Poster (OP) decided not to force her daughter to attend a wedding where she did not feel welcome.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by letting my daughter skip my brother’s, her uncle’s, wedding because she wasn’t included in the wedding party?”
The OP’s daughter was frequently excluded from family events.
“I (42 Female) have two kids, Lanie (12 Female) and Matt (9 Male).”
“My brother (37 Male) is getting married next month. He asked my nine-year-old son to be a ring bearer and included my three nephews as ushers (12 Male, 15 Male, and 16 Male).””
My 12-year-old, Lanie, wasn’t asked to be anything.”
“For context, she’s the only girl cousin in the family and already struggles with feeling left out. She also hit a growth spurt and is already feeling awkward about her height and being a tween.”
Lanie was very hurt by being excluded from the wedding party plans.
“When she realized she was the only cousin without a role, she took it really hard. She cried multiple times and told me she was ‘sick of being the only girl’ and always being left out.”
“I talked to my brother and gently asked if there was any small role she could do, even handing out programs or helping seat people; just something so she didn’t feel singled out.”
“He said no, that they didn’t want to add anything last-minute, and the wedding party was already set.”
“What’s interesting is that my brother decided he wanted his side of the wedding party to be his male relatives, which is fair, and the bride’s side is made of up of her female relatives, including sisters, nieces, and cousins. The flower girls are also the bride’s younger nieces.”
Hearing what her uncle had to say, Lanie decided she did not want to attend at all.
“After that conversation, my daughter told me she didn’t want to go.”
“She said watching all the cousins walk down the aisle while she sat there ‘like nothing’ would make her feel even worse.”
“She was crying and clearly overwhelmed, especially when we were trying to find an outfit for her to wear.”
“I’m thinking about letting her skip the wedding and let her spend the weekend at a friend’s house.”
“My husband agrees with me because the other option is having a teen who is glaring death daggers at the photographer during the ceremony or playing on her Switch during the reception and looking like she clearly doesn’t want to be there.”
“At this point, I’ve RSVPed, saying my son and I will be there and that my husband, who will be out of town that weekend, will not. I did not mention my daughter.”
The family did not take the OP’s RSVP well.
“Unfortunately, now some family members are mad.”
“My mom, brother, and other relatives think I ‘let her throw a tantrum to get out of something,’ and say I should tell her ‘to suck it up,’ because ‘kids don’t get to skip weddings just because they didn’t get attention.'”
“My mom said I’m going to embarrass my brother by having one of my kids missing in family photos.”
“I personally feel like forcing her to go when she was heartbroken would have made things worse, and I didn’t want her sitting there crying through the ceremony.”
“But now I’m second-guessing my choice, so here I am. Would I be overreacting by letting my daughter skip the wedding after she was left out of any role and was really hurt by it?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her daughter was old enough to decide she didn’t want to attend an event.
“I would let her do her own thing and ignore the family throwing tantrums about it.” – _JellyBeanTasteTstr_
“NOR. She’s old enough to decide if she wants to attend any event. She’s been snubbed, and she’s valid in her feelings. If she doesn’t want to go, you should not force her to go.”
“If her attendance were important, they would have ensured that she felt included and wanted.”
“This is a literal child, not an adult who didn’t get to be in the bridal party. She’s the only cousin without a role, and that speaks volumes.”
“Personally, I probably wouldn’t allow my son to be in the wedding and would skip it. Not because they didn’t include her, but because they are making it an issue that she doesn’t want to attend.” – Away_Walrus_5242
“If it’s not a big deal for them to not think twice about not including your girl in the wedding jobs, then it’s no big deal for your girl to stand up for herself and make an informed decision on not attending the wedding.”
“They’re being d**ks over your girl not being included in the family wedding pictures. Well then, if you want her in the photos, give her a job to do. Doesn’t even have to be anything that major or important. Make her in charge of the guest book or something small, anything really that just makes her feel included, but isn’t that big of a deal at a wedding.”
“I think the brother is being a real d**khead here, so in my opinion, let your girl be a d**khead back and not attend the wedding.”
“Your parenting choices, your daughter, your rules. Just like it’s his wedding, his rules. Take it or leave it, bro. Be petty right back. Not YOR.” – Infinite_Club27
“Nah, you’re NOR. People gotta realize kids got feelings too, and this stuff can sting.”
“Your bro should’ve considered her feelings before rolling out the wedding plan. In my opinion, it’s a d**k move to leave her out like that, knowing she’s the only girl cousin and is already feeling outta place.”
“If she doesn’t wanna go, respect her emotions. Some family photo missing one kid ain’t the end of the world, but feeling excluded may stick with her for a long time. Let her chill at her friend’s. Sometimes family gotta step in each other’s shoes, ya know?”
“Your daughter, your rules. Be her advocate when no one else will. Stand your ground, mate, and don’t second-guess yourself. You’re doing what’s best for your kid.” – Love-Skylines
Others agreed and stated that the OP was under-reacting by still attending the wedding at all.
“Honestly, I think you’re under-reacting. If one of my kids had been excluded, none of us would be going.” – Wooster182
“You literally went out of your way to exclude my child, I’m telling you that it hurt her feelings, and your response is it would inconvenience you too much to give her a small role?!”
“Say no more. Now you get to miss out on me, and both my children (because my son will KNOW to stand up for his sister), and you can see what the real inconvenience is when you have to scramble to fill the role my son had.” – LawyerPrincess93
“I’d pull my whole family out of the wedding, too. In my opinion, it says a lot about how they view women, and I wouldn’t want to condone that.” – ApplesBananasRhinoc
“I remember being 12. I hope she has a wonderful weekend with her friend.”
“I don’t know what your budget is like, but if there’s a new dress she’s been eyeing, or something special she’s into, she should know she matters and she’s beautiful inside and out.”
“Like, I get it that it’s their wedding, but ALL the nephews have a role?”
“Twelve is already a struggle. Extra hugs and ice cream for her.”
“If it were me, I’d respect her wishes but ALSO not attend in solidarity for her, ring bearer included. They didn’t want ‘big changes’ this close to the wedding? Well, now they have a bigger change in finding a new ring bearer.” – DogsDucks
“NOR. No one else is considering your daughter but you. She will remember this. And she will remember you put her first when no one else did.” – Realistic-Slice8625
Some were disgusted by how the OP’s daughter was being treated by her extended family for being a girl.
“I don’t think you’re overreacting, and it sounds like your family is being serious a**holes. If they’re going to find roles for all of your other kids, then they can have her pass programs, usher people to their seats…something.”
“I refuse to believe your daughter’s ushering would significantly change the wedding plan.”
“After singling her out, then they throw a 12-year-old girl under the bus for, ‘Wanting attention,’ or, ‘Wanting to get out of something.'”
“First, which one of those two things is it? It certainly can’t be both. If she just wanted out of attending the wedding, then she wouldn’t have wanted a role in the first place, is this not so?”
“She’s also of that age where a young girl starts to feel certain insecurities; you also state she’s feeling awkward about her physical changes, right now, as well.”
“Personally, I’d pull out of this wedding, to an extent. I’d tell the brother, ‘We can all be there with all the kids having roles, we can be there with none of our kids having roles, or we can be there not at all; your choice.'” – CeaselessGomalu
“NOR. Why can’t they include her in some small way? The way your relatives talk, I wouldn’t be surprised if this exclusion happens regularly. She should be taught to stand up for herself.” – calico_matcha
“Wonder why your family feels the need to bully your daughter for being the only girl. To the point she even states it and now does not even want to participate in something like a wedding.”
“The adults here are the problem. Please let your kid stay with a friend.” – LunaSylius
“My husband’s 10-year-old cousin wanted to be involved in our wedding in some way, despite the fact that none of her cousins were involved. So we let her be the ‘Guest Book Monitor.'”
“She sat at a table before the ceremony and flagged people down to make sure they signed the guest book. She felt very important, and we probably had a lot more people ‘sign in’ than we would have, without her! Win-win!”
“You’re not overreacting. If my own child had been excluded from an event in which all his siblings/cousins/etc had been included, I absolutely wouldn’t make him attend the event.”
“If he’s old enough to recognize the fact that he’s being excluded, he’s old enough to decide whether or not he wants to attend! Kids are people too, and their feelings are valid!” – Legovida8
Others pointed out that the family couldn’t be angry about the OP’s daughter not appearing in photos when they refused to create a small role for her in the wedding party.
“NOR. They don’t need to include her in their wedding, but they also can’t be p**sy if she decides not to attend.”
“She’s old enough to make her own decisions with parental support, which it sounds like she has done here.” – AthenaFoxx
“NOR. If your brother would be so embarrassed by having one of his sister’s kids missing from photos, then I guess he should have made an effort not to skip that kid when handing out wedding roles.”
“If it was that important to them that she be present, I guess they should have considered that when deciding on the wedding party. They weren’t required to include her, of course, but as I’ve seen many people say on Reddit before, an invitation is not a summons, and she isn’t required to go either.” – External-Challenge93
“If they can’t respect her feelings, then why should she respect theirs?”
“It would be one thing if the brother wasn’t so dismissive and included her in something. That was the chance for him to be clear that he didn’t want her there.”
“I don’t understand why they are surprised that she doesn’t want to be there or why they want someone to attend who they clearly want to leave out, beyond keeping up ‘appearances.'” – Novel-Organization63
“‘If she’s not going, then the wedding pictures are going to look silly, because she’s the only child not there…’ Well, bro…”
“You can do with that what you will. If she’s going to be left out and the only kid going that doesn’t even have a tiny little unimportant job at the wedding, and you can’t just give her any kind of insignificant job just to be kind and not upset your niece then you’ll just have to deal with it.”
“Just because she’s a child and only 12 doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings.”
“Teens are so easily upset, bless them, any kid (and maybe even adults, too) would be upset at not being included.”
“NOR. Let her not attend. Good on her for speaking out on this. Make it a lesson if it can’t be resolved and give her something to do. NOR.” – Infinite_Club27
The subReddit was furious on the OP’s daughter’s behalf and fully believed that not only should her wishes be respected but that the family’s demands should be fully disregarded at this point, especially since the OP already tried to find a reasonable solution.
If the family wanted to so actively exclude the OP’s daughter, the only girl on their side of the family, then they needed to deal with the consequences of the outside world noticing, in the form of exclusive wedding photos and other future events.