It’s always nice when siblings hang out and get along, but sometimes it is important to let them be their own person without forcing a relationship.
Parents need to let siblings develop their own dynamic and support their own choices.
Redditor mr-scary-dinosaur this very issue with his mom and brother. So he turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA For telling my mother my brother wasn’t invited to a party?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (15m) am a triplet. We also have a younger brother (5m).”
“My sister ‘Gwen’ and I were very close growing up but we’ve distanced as we’ve grown older. She’s very intelligent and has always been in the top classes whereas I’m bang average but we get on well enough.”
“On the other hand, my brother ‘Ben’ and I have never been close. He was born with a serious condition that means he will be in a wheelchair for life and he often struggles to do a lot of things like get dressed or hold a pen.”
“My mother often pushes Gwen and I to include him in things as she worries he is lonely, but that’s easier said than done and often my friends would just not invite me to things as they knew I’d have to bring him.”
OP explained the situation further.
“It was my friend ‘Sam’s’ birthday this weekend and he was having a little garden get together with a few of our friends after school on Friday. I’m at my father’s on the weekends so I had asked Gwen to take my bag for me after school so I didn’t have to haul it around with me the entire time.”
“My mother overheard me and said that it would be lovely for me to bring Ben as he hadn’t seen any friends for a while. Gwen tried to help me and explain that she doubted it would be something he’d like but my mother argued that he’d just like to get out of the house to somewhere that isn’t school.”
“I told her that no, I wouldn’t take him. She was shocked. I don’t know why, Gwen and I have made it clear we don’t like bringing him along to everything many times before.”
“She asked why I couldn’t bring my brother and I told her that even if I wanted to, he wasn’t invited and I couldn’t bring someone else to Sam’s house. She told me to just ask Sam to invite him and I refused because it’s Sam’s party and that’s impolite.”
OP’s mom was not happy.
“She tried to tell me that if Ben wasn’t going, neither was I, but it’s my dad’s night and he’d already said I could go.”
“My mother took Ben and our younger brother out for ice cream that afternoon and dropped them off at my dad’s not long after I came home. Gwen and I could hear her telling our father what had happened, clearly wanting to get me in trouble with him as well, but he told her that we shouldn’t have to be babysitters all the time and that we were entitled to be young and see our friends as well.”
“My mother accused my dad of ‘enabling’ me while he accused her of ignoring how much forcing Ben onto us was hurting Gwen and I.”
“My mother also told my dad that he was raising Gwen and I to be a pair of assholes, so reddit, AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA-I’m the disabled triplet and we have a disabled sibling.”
“There were many times when mum tried to force my siblings to include me or all of us to include our sister. It took years of standing up to her to get her to attempt to listen and it wasn’t always successful.” ~ GothPenguin
“Thanks, I’m not the disabled one but I can relate to that.” ~ mr-scary-dinosaur
“I am a disabled younger brother. I would be pissed if my mother did this.” ~ deleted99
“Have you talked to your brother about this? I know you said you aren’t close but if he feels the same about this as you and Gwen, It may help if all three of you have a United front.” ~ TexasFordTough
“It’s not even just for disabled siblings. I was forced to include my younger sister in most of my friends activities and it caused some resentment between us.”
“It’s better now that we’re adults but parents need to let kids be their own people and have their own lives separate from family.” ~ maddr_lurker
Many Redditors argued it’s not fair for OP’s brother, either.
“You are not your brother’s parent, nor are you his carer. Your mother has no business putting HIM in the position of treating him like a burden, either.”
“That’s what she’s doing when she goes to such lengths to try and beg or force someone to take him places he hasn’t been invited or can’t physically go.” ~ INTJedi
“As a disabled person, this is exactly what I thought. He won’t be able to make friends on his own if he isn’t given a chance either.”
“Shockingly plenty of people don’t care about what can’t be done. It took time for me to grow up and move out but your mother isn’t meeting his needs or yours. Plus you absolutely nailed the inappropriateness of bringing an uninvited guest.” ~ FirebirdWriter
“When the mother said ‘it would be lovely for [OP] to bring Ben as he hadn’t seen any friends for a while,’ all I could think was that these weren’t his friends either, or he would have been invited.”
“Must suck for Ben too to have to hang out where you feel you’re not wanted…” ~ msvivica
“Yep. You absolutely are correct. Being constantly considered helpless and a burden is incredibly taxing on the mind.” ~ FirebirdWriter
“NTA. How does your brother feel about this? (I’m assuming he’s verbal since you didn’t mention otherwise)”
“I’m willing to bet that the reason why you’re not close to your brother is because your mother kept pushing him to you and your sister. Not only you’re not his parent, but she’s not being nice to him, but treating him like he’s more disabled than he is.” ~ Azizass
It should be OP’s and his brother’s decision whether to hang out or not.