For some people, the thought of living in the same house as their grandparents would be an absolute dream.
But for others, it’s only an invitation to be exposed to homophobic and other negative comments, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor WalkDesperate1795 was fed up with comments coming from his grandfather after he moved in for financial support.
When his comments turned homophobic, the Original Poster (OP) spoke up for himself.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for reminding my grandpa he lives under my mom’s roof and not the other way around?”
The OP had a positive, open relationship with his parents.
“My mom (37 Female) and I (16 Male) have always had a pretty healthy relationship.”
“My parents had me fairly young, so I guess that helped them remember how being a teen feels like, and for all my life, they have always been very open to talk to me about everything.”
“Because of that, I never felt the need to lie to them. Even when I f**ked up, I knew I could count on them to help me sort my s**t out (although that help would occasionally come with some deserved yelling and grounding).”
Everything changed when his grandfather moved in.
“But the dynamic at my house started to change a bit ever since my dad passed away in March.”
“My maternal grandpa (who is retired) moved in with us. My mom used to send him money because his retirement was not enough, but since our home became a single-income household, she figured it would be more financially sound if he came to our house instead of her trying to feed two homes with a single salary.”
“My grandpa (72 Male) is nothing like my parents. He is very controlling, he likes to know my every move, and he insists on making decisions based on ‘how he feels.’ He babies me but then berates me for doing stuff that every teenager does (like being sexually active with my boyfriend for example).”
“My mom and I have both tried talking to him about respecting my boundaries and understanding that in our home, we trust and respect each other, but he refuses to listen and says that my mom doesn’t know anything about parenting while remaining to give unsolicited opinions about my life.”
As the comments continued to pour in, the OP had finally heard enough.
“Things got really bad yesterday when I told them I was going to sleep over at my boyfriend’s that night.”
“My mom just said, “Okay, let me know when you get there.’ It’s not that she doesn’t care about me, but it’s just that she knows my boyfriend since we were in middle school, she knows his parents, she knows where the house is, and most importantly she trusts me.”
“But my grandpa decided to throw a tantrum and berate me for ‘disrespecting’ familial values and acting like a ‘man-s**t.'”
“He said that while my ‘junky dad’ might have allowed me to be a ‘boy prostitute’ who lets other men emasculate me, this behavior would not be tolerated under his roof.”
“I lost my temper and asked sarcastically, ‘What roof? You don’t have one.'”
“Then I told him it was bold of him to talk about things that are emasculating, because I couldn’t think of anything more emasculating than being a grumpy old man who has to live off his only daughter and who tries to undermine her authority just to feel like he is in charge even though he knows deep down that none of us actually care about what he has to say.”
Feelings about the incident differed.
“Ever since that confrontation, he has stopped talking to me.”
“I ended up not going to my boyfriend’s (because of something unrelated that happened at his house), and things just feel very tense around here.”
“My mom says she understands where I come from but thinks I went too far and deeply hurt my grandpa’s feelings.”
“But I think it was about time he heard something like that.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP was right to advocate for himself against his homophobic grandpa.
“NTA.”
“He was completely wrong for trying to parent you when you have a parent. It’s not like you lied.”
“And so, you hurt his feelings? He apparently didn’t give a s**t about yours when he was yelling at you.”
“Enjoy the silence from him. He doesn’t accept you for who you are and you don’t need that in your life.” – Creepy_Addict
“He badmouthed OP’s dad to his face. Where’s the concern for OP’s grief, whether it’s true or not?”
“As far as I’m concerned, the OP’s mom is just as culpable for allowing her homophobic mooch dad to treat her son this way. If someone was that way to my son, I’d tell them to get out and cut him off.”
“He can go get a job as a Walmart door greeter if he wants to be ugly.” – PsychologicalGain757
“Mom has already quite a lot on her plate as a breadwinner for three people, and OP is apparently able to fend for himself.”
“The thing is, the grandpa is powerless at the moment. He is not even able to sustain himself, which must make a deep dent in his self-esteem because I suspect he is an old-fashioned sexist fart who believes that a man is the head of the household who provides for it and decides, and he must clearly see he is none of that and feel very inferior for it.”
“(What he is doing is still totally unacceptable but it can be helpful to see what is behind it.) OP hit the very target with his words. I don’t fault OP in any way, NTA in fact, but his grandfather’s motives are important to remember.” – Prangelina
“NTA. You may not have been very polite, but neither was your grandpa, and it seems like he needed someone to clap back at him.”
“I understand your mom grew up respecting and listening to him, and it sounds like it’s been hard for her to shift the power dynamic, but she needs to. This is her house, and you’re her son, and she gets to decide what is and isn’t okay for you to do.”
“She and your father created a family where you trust each other and can talk things through, and that sounds pretty healthy. Your grandpa doesn’t get to undermine that. I’d talk to your mom about putting her foot down. Grandpa lives under her roof and needs to follow her rules. He was welcomed into your home and doesn’t get to make you uncomfortable. NTA.” – thaliagorgon
“Congratulations! Looks like you put your homophobic grandpa in his place. If he didn’t want reality thrown in his face (all you said was true), then he should have stayed in his lane and not tried to parent both you and your mom while he’s dependent on her for housing, etc.”
“Maybe he’ll knock his s**t off from here in out. Respect is earned and he’s in the red.” – Different-Contact-50
Others pointed out how situations like this impact people’s decisions to revisit their homes.
“OP needs to have a conversation with his mom about how frequently he’ll come to visit (if at all) during or after college if his verbally abusive grandfather doesn’t chill out or get out.”
“When you feel profoundly more comfortable in your own skin away from your childhood home, it can get really difficult to choose to expose yourself to toxicity.” – Hekili808
“I haven’t been to visit my dad and his significant other in a long time (three or four years). They come here quite often, and the little I see of her is bearable enough (she can be polite in public). But staying there (home) again and reliving the s**t she put me through, h**l nah.” – zombeecharlee
“NTA. But talk to your mom, and tell her that your grandpa’s homophobia (because yeah, that’s what that is) is really getting to you, as well as his controlling behavior. Explain that it’s upsetting and stressing you out. Tell her that you know you shouldn’t have yelled but his behavior is really getting to you.”
“His homophobic comments, and his comments about your dad (how he talks about your mom??), they hurt your feelings, and that isn’t okay. You’re the kid, and he’s a grown adult.”
“Your mom is in a tough position balancing familial obligations and finances, plus her own grief and being a single mom. I’m not really sure what she can do other than a big blowout fight with her dad, and I don’t know enough to know whether that’s a possibility or even a good idea.” – AdGroundbreaking4397
“NTA and well done for coming up with that on the spur of the moment. This is the kind of response I would think of two hours after the argument!”
“He tried to shut shame you and spoke badly about your deceased father. Then, he tried to make you feel less by saying you were being emasculated.”
“If I were you, I would go to your mom and say you’re sorry if bringing her up in the argument upset her in any way. That was not your intent.”
“Having said that, you will not be apologizing to your grandfather because he is toxic to you in what he says and how he behaves. You should also say that his controlling behavior is making this home less of a safe space for you, and you should not have to apologize to the person responsible for making this happen.”
“The sad thing about all of this is that his presence will probably make you move out sooner than you probably would if he wasn’t there. Good luck, OP. NTA.” – sarcastic_pedant
“It’s probably hard to feel comforted by her dad when he’s busy calling her late husband a junky and her son a prostitute. What a hateful old man, he reminds me of my friend’s grandmother, who once called her a w**re and who all of her grandkids hate. It is so sad the kind of treatment our parents’ generation is willing to put up with.”
“OP, you’re NTA, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with this treatment from your grandfather. You don’t owe anyone an apology and should talk to your mom about how you’re the one who is hurt by the things he called you. Everything you said was true while he threw hateful and homophobic insults at you.” – wearyomask
The subReddit totally supported the OP’s decision to speak up for himself, but they could understand how complicated this could get with everyone living in the same household. All they could do was encourage the OP to keep communication lines open with his mom and to enjoy the silence coming from his grandfather while it lasted.