Being the eldest child in a group of siblings can be stressful.
The heavy lifting that parents can’t do often falls on the oldest.
They sometimes tend to be the automatic babysitter or defacto third parent.
These situations aren’t always appreciated.
And the reactions to certain family issues can cause quite a stir.
Redditor DependentLeave3584 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for what I said when my parents announced they were having another baby?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My parents have 7 kids.”
“There’s me (16 M[ale]), Cayla (13 F[emale]), Robin (12 M[ale]), Sam (10 M[ale]), Laci (8 F[emale]), Zoe (6 F[emale]) and Robbie (4 M[ale]).”
“They only ever intended to have two kids and even with me and Cayla alone, they’d still struggle.”
“My parents don’t have great jobs.”
“We never had much space in our house to begin with and now we’re all crammed in.”
“I started working at 13 to get money so I could pay for stuff I needed, like a laptop, which I didn’t have access to when my school first shut down.”
“We didn’t even have internet then.”
“My parents swore they were done with Robbie, and they’d get us back on track, and that I wouldn’t need to work just to pay for stuff I needed for school.”
“The weight of being the oldest is already a lot and I have paid for stuff before.”
“I babysit so my parents can work nights or get a break.”
“I take care of the house most days so they can focus on earning money.”
“But it’s a lot and we’re really too big of a family for what we can actually afford.”
“My parents get help from the government, but it doesn’t go far because they’re not good with money or buying groceries.”
“When no baby came right after Robbie, I thought they were serious, and I started to think about my future.”
“I’d love to learn to cook better and work in a restaurant.”
“Not college exactly because we could never afford it, and my grades aren’t good enough, but something like that.”
“Then Monday my parents sat us down and told us they’re having another baby and mom is like 14 weeks pregnant.”
“They knew for 7 weeks and didn’t want to tell us until they were ready.”
“My siblings were mostly surprised, but me?”
“I said not again.”
“I think I even cried a little, which caught me off guard because I’m not usually a crier.”
“This was apparently enough to break me, though. “
“My parents got so angry at me and told me to check my attitude.”
“I told them they gave me this attitude by being so reckless and putting so much on me, and now they’ve broken their promise, and we’re going to struggle even more than before.”
“They told me to stop acting like they’re doing something to me, that accidents happen, and they’d never abort, even if they could.”
“They told me to focus on making things okay and less on being so negative.”
“I know people say that having money isn’t as important as long as you have a loving family and maybe that’s true for some people.”
“But mine feel like a weight I have to carry and not something I’m blessed with.”
“They’re a responsibility on me, a burden really.”
“And maybe that’s awful to say, but it’s how I really feel.”
“I hate worrying about what’ll happen if they can’t afford the bills or if my laptop breaks and I can’t afford to fix it or get a new one.”
“Or what if we can’t afford food, or we can, but I have to pay for groceries instead of saving.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You need to save up and find a job right after school to move out.”
“Your parents will bleed to dry and steal your time, dragging you living for them and not yourself.”
“They don’t consider you enough.”
“NTA.” ~ CakeEatingRabbit
“NTA. This is a no-win situation.”
“You do not have to ever babysit your siblings.”
“That is not your responsibility.”
“But then, if you didn’t watch the kids, there would be less money to feed the kids.”
“Essentially, there are three parents in this household, and two of them are acting very irresponsibly, which is increasing the workload of parent number 3.”
“You should consider enlisting in the Air Force or the Navy when you are old enough.”
“Even a good line cook won’t allow you an income to leave home.”
“So that’s a trap where you will still live at home and be pressured to watch the kiddos.”
“Study hard for the A[rmed] S[ervices] V[ocational] A[ptitude] B[attery] and get a high score so you can get good training for a skilled job.”
“Then enlist for four or six years (whatever the minimum is) get out and go into government contracting.
“There’s good money there, and it’s fairly safe, in terms of job security.” ~ OkHovercraft4450
“Whatever you do, you must leave your home.”
“It is going to hurt when it happens.”
“You will be guilted about leaving, and your next sibling, Cayla, will likely end up taking on the responsibilities that you have now.”
“Make a plan. Keep it secret. Do not tell anyone in your family.”
“Get your own bank account if you can.”
“Leave as soon as possible after turning 18.”
“Even if it is staying with a friend or a relative.”
“Google ‘parentification.’ That is what has happened to you.”
“Wishing you luck in the future. NTA.” ~ Aggravating-Pain9249
“The downside is the second sibling (and so forth) is going to probably end up resenting the OP for being able to leave when they can.”
“Don’t know what OP’s relationship is like with the older siblings, but maybe considering a peace offering of helping them get established (edit: e.g., role model/advice) when it’s their turn to escape might smooth things over.”
“Especially if they want to maintain the sibling relationship with minimal strain.”
“NTA for sure, OP needs to live their own life.” ~ gothicakitty
“I get it! And while I have no desire (as an Internet Stranger) for OP’s siblings to suffer…”
“OP really, REALLY can’t (and shouldn’t be expected to) let his sibling’s potential future resentment his responsibility or problem.”
“It’s a god-awful no-win situation.”
“I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! But at some point, OP deserves to put himself first.”
“And then each successive sibling will have to do the same…”
“If he can orchestrate for his immediately younger siblings to be in a position that they can see and act on their own worth? Brilliant!!”
“But he can’t be expected to martyr himself.”
“NTA. Still, NTA even if he gaps it without looking back.” ~ potterforpresident
“I’m the oldest sibling that was in a similar (but not nearly as bad) situation as OP.”
“I had the same fears for my younger siblings, and it’s a valid concern.”
“We’re all in our 40s and 30s now, and I can say confidently (from my experience and after years of therapy) that the best thing he can do for them is to model good behavior.”
“They have two examples of how not to be adults; show them that there is another option with a way out.”
“Keep contact with the siblings (even if they hate you for a while) so they have someone they can go to who can help them report abuse or neglect.”
“But most importantly, get out of the situation in a way that you hope your siblings will when they’re old enough.”
“It’ll be just a little bit easier for them if they can see that it’s possible.”
“Additionally, OP–do you have any aunts, uncles, grandparents, or other family or friends’ parents that can help?”
“Maybe not financially, but as emotional support or networking?”
“Like I said, my situation wasn’t as bad as yours, but I had an aunt and uncle who would always listen to my complaints and validate my concerns.”
“I also knew that if things ended up getting much worse, I could always stay on their couch.”
“That lifeline and emotional support were very empowering.”
“NTA times infinity.”
“I wish you the best.” ~ JamSLC
“NTA. Your feelings are perfectly reasonable.”
“You still need to think about your future; don’t let their decision to have another child derail you.”
“Keep saving.”
“Groceries are NOT your responsibility.” ~ happybanana134
“NTA… look after yourself and get out asap.”
“Are they religious?”
“I know plenty of kids from huge Catholic families with baby boomer parents, mostly with good incomes though – and what has surprised me is how the majority of them have made opposite decisions as adults- small families or no children at all.”
“The pressure of having so many siblings took the shine off ‘family.'” ~ Due_Replacement1570
“NTA-You need to call C[hild] P[rotective] S[ervices].”
“Your parents don’t have enough money to take care of their kids.”
“You should NOT be helping.”
“If they can’t take care of their kids without your help, then you need to call CPS.”
“What if you or someone else in your family is in an accident, and comes down with a medical illness?”
“What will happen then?”
“You need to get help now.”
“If you are struggling now, it can only take a moment before things come crashing down.”
“Please, call CPS.” ~ Labradawgz90
“NTA. Your parents are wildly irresponsible.”
“I recommend looking into jobcorps.gov.”
“You can be trained for a trade starting at 16.”
“Also possibilities: AmeriCorps, cool works, and the military.”
“Please start figuring out how to get yourself out of this mess and educate yourself on birth control.” ~ OLDLADY88888
“NTA. I’m sorry you have so much to deal with at your young age.”
“If you stop, move out. Whatever the solution it really on, passes the buck to Cayla.”
“She will need to start doing more and lose her childhood too.”
“But one day.”
“In the future, you need to pick you.”
“Be ready to walk out and just take care of yourself.” ~ threebecomeone
“NTA. It is truly disappointing of your parents to…”
“1. Not see how badly the weight of your siblings is affecting you and…”
“2. Try to control how you feel after hearing that life will become more difficult for you, due to their negligence.”
“I was the only caregiver of my siblings and alcoholic parents.”
“It’s led to a life of trust and attachment issues.”
“Please, for your own sake, take steps to distance yourself whenever you can.” ~ Iwantmynameback
“NTA. Your parents are irresponsible, and you have every right to be upset.”
“This is going to affect you and your siblings.”
“You’ve been parentified a lot, and they no doubt expect you to take on more.”
“Let them know you will leave as soon as you can.” ~ MerlinBiggs
“NTA. Jesus, how does this happen to people in the 21st century?”
“‘Accidents happen?’ Are you kidding me?” ~ econhistoryrules
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re stuck in this situation, OP.
Reddit is on your side.
You are not responsible for your family.
Don’t give up on yourself or your future.
Keep saving your money and keep planning.
Good luck.