Infidelity in a marriage isn’t just between the parties directly involved, especially when it ends a marriage. There are extended families and children who live with the consequences of two people’s actions.
While some people live with a philosophy of moving on for the sake of any injured parties, not everyone is willing to forgive and forget.
A teen turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over his reaction to his father’s infidelity with his mother’s best friend.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
GrekkySads asked:
“AITAH for reminding my dad’s wife that she was supposed to be my mom’s best friend, but instead was a backstabber who cheated with her best friend’s husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (17, male) live in a toxic household, and I contribute to that, but I wanna know if I’m the a**hole for this particular part of it.”
“So my parents were married and seemed happy when everything fell apart. My mom found out she had a brain tumor, and on that same day, she found out my dad was sleeping with her best friend.”
“I was 10 at the time, and for like 5 weeks, life was crazy with my dad and ‘Hayley,’ who was meant to be my mom’s best friend, trying to make her forgive them.”
“My mom started having seizures because of the tumor, and I think because of the stress too, and she died five weeks and two days after she was diagnosed with her brain tumor.”
“My dad and Hayley moved in together after my mom died, and they decided they would try to raise me and my sister together. My sister was 8 at the time, and my dad has said she took her cues from me, but we did not accept dad and Hayley, and we acted up a lot.”
“I yelled at them, called them names, refused to listen when they asked me to do something and I told other people what they’d done. All of Dad’s friends, all of Hayley’s friends, and our neighbors knew, and mostly because of me.”
“I interrupted their wedding a bunch. My sister did, but not as much. We wanted to live somewhere else, and they refused.”
“My dad has put a stop to us doing that. That would’ve helped a lot. My grandparents were willing to have us stay, and so were some aunts and uncles who live nearby.”
“They got us all into therapy, and I didn’t put any work into fixing things. I will eventually, but not when it’s with them. There’s nothing about us I want to fix.”
“I don’t want to move on with them. The therapy was all of us together, and I refused to work on us. We are not a family.”
“They’re disgusting and tore apart my family and destroyed my mom before she died. All they were willing to do was family therapy, and that will never be the therapy I need. Not with them, at least.”
“My dad and Hayley had two kids, and I refused to help or care. I don’t care about them at all. I don’t hate them, but I want nothing to do with them, either. And I make sure I don’t spend time with them so nobody can say I’m super mean to them or angry with them.”
“I make a point of telling or showing what they are and what I think of them. For my dad, that meant cutting him out of photos, and I say every now and again that I’ll change my last name to mom’s (she never changed hers when they married).”
“And I talk about my maternal grandpa being the man I want to be like most because he’s the best guy I know. My plan is to go to my grandparents’ house when I’m 18 and stay in regular contact with my sister.”
“See her every day if I have to until she can leave. I have a couple of apprenticeship options that I’m looking into as well.”
“But with Hayley? I remind her every time that she was supposed to be mom’s best friend and she was a backstabber who cheated with my dad instead.”
“I’ll never forgive her for what she did to my mom and to our family. Just like I won’t forgive Dad. As far as I’m concerned, Hayley deserves to be miserable for the rest of her life, and so does my dad.”
“And I do this in front of other people if she tries to act like my parent or take praise for my good behavior around other people. She told me I needed to stop bringing it up several times, but I ignored her. I tell her I won’t ever stop.”
“Her aunt died last week, and she told me I needed to help out around the house more while she was with her mom and her cousins. I refused, and she told me this is what the oldest sibling and oldest child do, and I reminded her I wasn’t hers and brought up the affair again.”
“She broke down, and I told her I didn’t feel sorry for her, and she told me she felt guilty enough and like mom haunted her enough. She said I was doing nothing but driving her crazy and making her feel like she had to isolate from everyone because otherwise, the whole world would know with the way I act.”
“She told me I was bullying her and that I should go after Dad and not her. I told her I’d go after both until I could cut them out of my life for good. Then I told her she didn’t deserve to have a happy life after what she did.”
“My aunt (dad’s sister) came over after Hayley called her, and she asked me to stop bringing it up.”
“She told me Hayley and my dad don’t need to be forgiven, but that reminding Hayley like this and shaming her and making it difficult for her to have relationships where people won’t know and judge her isn’t okay because the kids she and dad have together will suffer.”
“AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not required to forgive and forget (NTA).
“NTA, try to get out of there. Perhaps tell them you’ll stop bringing it up if they let you move out. What they’re doing is wrong, but your safety matters.” ~ MotherofCats9258
“OP said that, ‘We wanted to live somewhere else and they refused’. This is a nasty situation because the adults are refusing to accept the consequences of their actions.”
“They tore a family apart and ruined these kids’ last few weeks with their mother. Now they want the children that were betrayed in this situation to forgive and forget, and are unwilling to listen and adapt to what the kids want and need.”
“The skeptic in me wonders why they are so adamant that OP and his sister don’t move out when this dynamic is making everyone miserable.”
“Are there survivorship benefits that these children’s guardians receive which are funding the new affair family’s lifestyle? Is that why they won’t allow the kids to move in with other family that they feel safe with?” ~ AS_it_is_now
“In the US, children who lost a parent receive SSI benefits which are paid to the other parent/guardian.” ~ fckmoralturpitude
“That was my first thought. They don’t want to lose the two payments.” ~ PreparationPlus9735
“Heck, my payments were $170/mo, and that was 40 years ago. More than my monthly rent back then.”
“I’m sure they don’t want to give up that cash.” ~ Original_Pudding6909
“I get $1,300 a month for each kid. The money goes with the kids.” ~ sj612mn
“There are survivor benefits until age 18. If still in high school until 19.” ~ Elegant-Opinion-9595
“How much do you wanna bet OP doesn’t know this, and Dad and Hayley keep that money.” ~ SavageTS1979
“Benefits could be part of it. But damn, I think they’re just delusional, thinking if they stick it out long enough OP and his sister will forgive them.”
“That would mean they aren’t two of the worst people who essentially drove a woman/mother to an early grave and tried to minimize that to have her children’s affections. They’re too delusional or stupid to realize that all those actions are making it worse, but hey sunk-cost fallacy hits hard, I guess.”
“Still, the other woman has learned nothing, begging OP to blame his dad and not her. Not owning up to her sh*t and just upset she feels haunted and bullied when she spent years caring more about herself and OP’s dad than what OP and his sister need.”
“Some people are just so stupid they can’t even understand what their consequences mean.” ~ ihadtologinforthis
“OP, very much NTA. You have no obligation to forgive Hayley or your dad.”
“They created this toxic environment, both by their affair and by more or less instantly replacing your mom with Hayley after mom died. And by showing apparently zero deference to the fact that you and your sister don’t want your mom to be replaced.”
“If the grandpa you look up to can take you and sister in, ask for that to happen. And if your dad makes it a problem, simply tell him that every time he tries to hang on, you get more determined to disown him the second your sister turns 18.”
“Because he raised you to be an honorable man, an honest man, a good man, and then he stopped being any of those things.” ~ SirEDCaLot
No one is under an obligation to forgive anyone for anything.
Trying to force forgiveness is only going to make most people resist even more.