When we really care about one of our loved ones, whether they’re a family member or a friend, we generally want to do what will make them happy.
But when we uncover something that they need to know, we have to decide whether their well-being or happiness should come first, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor theappletaderghost was torn about whether or not to tell their pregnant friend about their suspicions they had about the friend’s husband’s work life.
Worried they might be causing more trouble than not, the Original Poster (OP) wasn’t sure how to approach their friend.
They asked the sub:
“WIBTA (Would I Be the A**hole) for telling my roommate her husband is lying about having a job?”
The OP wasn’t getting along with their roommate’s husband.
“A married couple who were previously friends moved in about a year ago, and since I’ve realized the guy is a complete a**hole.”
“He is selfish, passive-aggressive, and rude. And it’s come to a head as I currently have covid and have been home for the past 5 days.”
“So, my roommates found out they are pregnant about a month ago. Two months ago the guy quit his job and decided to go into real estate and absolutely refuses to get any sort of job or part-time income, putting all the pressure on his wife.”
“He is super passive aggressive and vocal about how they don’t have any money and they need money, but when anyone brings up that he could contribute by getting a job he acts all angry and hurt because ‘nobody believes in him.'”
The OP was also suspicious of the husband’s work history.
“She is working full-time, pregnant and sick most of the time, and it turns out he is completely lying about the real estate.”
“I’ve been home for five days and all he does is watch YouTube videos, go to the gym, and trash the house. He then goes to pick up his wife from work and makes up stories about having leads and door-knocking and doing everything he can for his real estate stuff. It’s all complete lies!”
“I have Mondays off at my job and I was always suspicious as he never did any work on those Mondays I was home, but now that it’s been a week and he hasn’t done anything, I genuinely believe he has made up everything he has ever said about his work.”
“Worst of all is he then whines and complains to her about how dirty the house is and how he is always cleaning and stressed, but he works so hard, he is just too exhausted to clean.”
“He makes HER clean instead, or he gets super passive-aggressive towards me until I do it.”
The OP wondered if they should talk to the pregnant roommate about all of this.
“I have a big bias, as I have hated almost every moment he has lived here. I just generally no longer like him and kind of want the worst for him, I won’t lie.”
“He destroys my stuff, eats my food, is constantly passive-aggressive to me, and treats me like a live-in maid.”
“I’ve tried everything I can, including outright calling him on his crap, but no change, he is unapologetically a selfish a**hole.”
“And that’s what has held me back from telling his wife. I care about her, but is it really my business to tell her, or am I just adding stress and betrayal to her life at a vulnerable time out of a dislike for her husband?”
“WIBTA for telling her he has been lying about being a real estate agent?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the friend deserved to know, so she could plan for her future.
“My parents divorced when I was 6. My father was… well, not a good father. My mother was left to take care of two girls, go to school full time, and work full time. She crushed it despite everything including not receiving child support.”
“A few years ago I was sitting down with my mother and just… asked, ‘Why did you get divorced?'”
“Welp, each morning he would leave for work and come back in the evening. No money was coming in for months and as it turns out (and no, I didn’t press further as to how she found this out) he wasn’t going to work. He just… f**ked off and did… well, we don’t know.”
“You definitely would not be the AH. Tell her. It’s gonna suck for everyone, but she deserves and NEEDS the truth so that she can take the steps to be able to properly take care of herself and the new baby.” – BariGhost11
“NTA. You need to tell her. In 7 months’ time, there will be a little one there and he will have to work to pay rent or you will have them living there for free.”
“If not, there will be another WIBTA post about wanting to kick them and little one out because you can’t afford to host them anymore.” – athomp56
“NTA. Tell her. Also, tell her that this living situation is becoming untenable and you will be either looking for new roommates or a new place.”
“Remind her you care about her and want the best for her but you’re not willing to lie to her or be a doormat for her husband.” – ACanadianSnack
Others advised the OP to focus on what they knew, not what they were suspicious of.
“NTA, but like some other people here, I suspect she may not believe you. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t tell her- I think you definitely should! But be prepared for this to tank both friendships.”
“I would recommend telling her what you’ve seen (and exactly what you’ve seen, no speculating) and that you’re moving in 30 days (or whatever you’re comfortable with).”
“I was in a similar situation many years ago – I lived with a couple, he was nasty and shady, she didn’t believe me, blamed me, and I wound up losing them both as friends.”
“Worth it in the end – I stuck by my principles and also removed myself from a terrible living situation. Good luck.” – Necromantic_Inside
“NTA as this affects you too.”
“But do it smart. Get some evidence (if you can?) and tell her you need to talk. Don’t spit it out as a spiteful comment in retaliation to his attitude or you will be the bad guy.” – Pretzelicious
“I think there’s a better way to handle this.”
“Negotiate rules for the household about things like food and cleaning up after oneself, because that’s good practice to begin with, and also confront him directly, when all three of you are present. You don’t have to confront him about lying to his wife, only about being home all day, trashing the house, and not cleaning up after himself.”
“If you’re uncomfortable about confrontation, you could say something like, ‘Y’know, Bill, when I was homesick, I noticed that you were home all day, so it seems fair you should take on a bit more of the housework.'”
“Something that makes plain he’s not working, as though it’s common knowledge.”
“The wife probably knows on some level.” – MarkedHeart
Though they could agree that it was a sensitive subject, the majority insisted that the OP needed to inform their friend, so she could make the best possible choices for herself and her future baby.
But the subReddit made a good point, as well, of not using conjecture in this situation, but only focusing on the concerns the OP knew of for certain.