Content Warning: Mentions of Kidnapping and Child Safety
When two people are preparing to have children, it's amazing to imagine how involved their parents might like to be as grandparents, creating that picture-perfect childhood for them.
But some grandparents take the role to an inappropriate level, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor CHUPIYAHOTUM was alarmed when her son confided that he was uncomfortable around the men his grandmother had been dating since she got divorced, so she made a rule that her mother-in-law could only babysit her children at home without the boyfriends present.
When she left her children in her mother-in-law's care, only for her mother-in-law to take them back to her house and invite her boyfriend over to prove a point, the Original Poster (OP) threatened to call the police.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for threatening to call the police against my mother-in-law (MIL) after she took my kids without permission?"
The OP drew new boundaries with her mother-in-law when she started dating again.
"I (34 Female) have always had a tough relationship with my mother-in-law (MIL) (60 Female)."
"She's been pushing us to send our kids (7 Female and 10 Male) to her house more often ever since her divorce, but my husband (37 Male) and I aren't comfortable with it."
"She has a lot of boyfriends coming and going, and while that's her business, I don't want my kids around strangers."
"My son even mentioned once that he didn't feel comfortable around one of her boyfriends, and that was enough for me to draw a line."
"My husband agreed, so we've stuck to the rule: if she wants to see the kids, she can either come to our place, or we can meet somewhere else."
"She doesn't like this and has complained plenty, but we've been firm about it."
Then the OP's mother-in-law seriously crossed a line.
"This weekend, though, things blew up. She offered to watch the kids while my husband and I ran errands, which we thought was her way of trying to make peace. She came over, and everything seemed fine when we left."
"But when we got home, she and the kids were gone."
"I called her immediately, and she casually told me they were at her house. She said the kids missed her and were going to stay the night."
"I was furious. This was NOT what we agreed to."
"My husband tried to calm me down, saying it was fine and that we could relax for the evening."
"I reminded him why we don't send the kids to her house, especially with her boyfriend around."
"My husband called her to ask if he was there, and she swore he wasn't. But I didn't trust her. We drove to her place, and guess what? Her boyfriend's car was parked outside."
The OP decided it was time to drive the point home.
"We knocked on the door and told her we decided we wanted to have dinner with the kids instead."
"We were polite to avoid making a scene, but she went off. She accused us of judging her for having a boyfriend and trying to control her life."
"I snapped and told her if she ever took my kids without permission again, I'd call the police."
"She started crying and yelling, and we left with the kids."
"Now my husband says he agrees with me that what she did was wrong, but he thinks I didn't need to yell or threaten her."
"I don't feel bad about it, though. She crossed a major line, and I feel like I had to stand my ground."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she had not overreacted at all.
"NTA. You and your husband set the rules, and she was watching the kids at your house. She took them to her home where her boyfriend was and your kids have been uncomfortable around the boyfriend."
"I would refuse to let her be alone with the kids period and yes calling the cops is a very reasonable thing."
"She can have boyfriends, that's not a problem, but you don't want your kids around them, and that's not a problem, either." - RaptorOO7
"She completely violated your trust, and protecting your kids comes first. Setting that boundary is 100 percent reasonable." - True-Big-7081
"She's proven she can't be trusted to respect boundaries or keep the kids safe. The whole, 'Oh, I'll just watch them at your house' thing was clearly a ploy to get access to them."
"If she wants to be around strange men, that's her choice, but she doesn't get to expose the grandkids to it, especially after they've expressed feeling unsafe. Trust those instincts." - Expensive-Oven8232
"Absolutely NTA. You set a boundary and she didn't just push it, she smashed right through it. Make sure you follow through with the threat if she does it again, although I suggest never leaving her alone with your children again." - Sick_Of_Facebook75
"As a parent, it is your responsibility to protect your kids. If the mother-in-law does stupid things that might harm them, then she gets put on probation or banned entirely."
"She definitely can't be trusted to babysit them. She volunteered with the motive that she would take them when the parents left. Who knows what could have happened?" - BlazingSunflowerland
Others agreed and pointed out that this was technically kidnapping.
"And this isn't a small thing; the one kid literally said they're not comfortable around the boyfriend. So hubby would rather leave their child in a situation where they don't feel safe rather than upset his mother?"
"Um… yeah, no."
"NTA. She basically kidnapped your children and refused to give them back because SHE decided she was keeping them for the evening. And yet she couldn't even be bothered to put her social life on hold for that one evening to ensure her grandchildren felt safe in her home. Not only that but when you flat out asked her if he was there she lied."
"So was she gonna tell your kids to lie if you asked if he was there?"
"You behaved exactly right. You tried the nice way, you tried to give an easy out that you two wanted to have dinner with the children. She blew up when you wanted to take your own kids back home."
"There's no wiggle room here, this is way past the 'be nice' threshold. Someone takes your children without your permission and then just informs you they're keeping them for the night that's you give me my kids back or I call the police and get them back."
"NTA. Your kids' safety comes above all else. She has strange men staying at her house. She has one who your child has told you they don't feel comfortable around. That is not something you wave off or dismiss."
"Kids come first. She's perfectly entitled to a social life or dating life or whatever else however she is NOT entitled to bring strangers around your children. What she does on her own time is her business but what she does when she has your kids is VERY MUCH your business."
"Good luck, OP, and I'm glad you stood your ground. I get why it's hard for your husband but ask him if he'd really rather leave his child with a man who they don't feel safe with than stand up to his mom." - Acegirl1985
"Not the AH. Your MIL kidnapped your children. She did not have permission to take them from your home and knew your boundaries and completely ignored them."
"She doesn't get to play a victim, and you had every right to say that you would call the police. You should have called the police this time honestly."
"Your hubby needs to stop worrying about his mommy's feelings and start protecting his children and standing alongside with you steadfastly on this." - TooTallBrawl1919
"Dude, the dad's alright with his mother KIDNAPPING his kids and unilaterally deciding to keep them 'overnight' (or maybe for a week? They do miss me, they said so! They want to spend the WHOOOOOLE summer, or school year, or whatever, with ME!), AND keeping them with a man in the house that at least one of their kids feels unsafe around in the DAYTIME!!"
"At this point, weirdly, there's at least one bigger problem than just the lies. I have ONE family member I wouldn't have called the cops on before I even left my house." - Duderunawayforlife
"'I will call the police if you kidnap my children again' isn't a threat, it's a statement of fact and natural consequence."
"And you better believe OP needs to follow through next time, because there WILL be a next time if the mother-in-law thinks she can get away with it. People who stomp boundaries like this only escalate when they face no consequences." - SuitableArtist2225
Some argued that they would have already called the police instead of warning her about it.
"She got off too easy. Calling the cops is the best and most professional thing to do, in my opinion." - vascara
"Honestly, just threatening to call the cops is not good enough. If anything, I would say YTA for not calling the cops. If I set up rules or boundaries or whatever in regard to my children and you don't follow them then you don't have any right to be upset when you face consequences for your actions." - Pre-licked_Chips
"NTA. Listen to your son. He has that creepy feeling for a reason."
"You should have called the police the moment you got home, and the kids weren't there. She kidnapped your children. The fact that she's their grandmother is irrelevant." - Lindensorry
"You honestly could have called the police instead of even coming over."
"She DID technically actually kidnap your children by taking them somewhere you both didn't agree to and without either of your knowledge."
"But since that has passed now, get a restraining order. Don't make threats; make promises."
"And remind your husband that his loyalty should lie with you, his wife, and his children now. And his mom can either get down or lay down." - masterminor
"NTA. She cannot be trusted. Nothing she says anymore can be believed. Your husband needs a kick in the pants because he is going too soft here and failing to properly care for his children."
"Why is she so keen to have the kids over there at the same time as her boyfriend? Is that the boyfriend's idea? Do you have his full name and if so, do some googling. See if there are any police reports on him." - pixie_ann
The subReddit was furious on the children's behalf for the mother-in-law putting her desires first, especially since the boundaries were clear and the kids had been honest about their discomfort around her new boyfriend.
While there was nothing wrong with her dating, there was a time and a place for it, and involving her grandchildren in her dating life wasn't it.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.