A family vacation is an excellent opportunity to spend time together.
Even so, many people tend to want some alone time while on vacation.
Be it parents wanting moments away from their children, or just one member of the group needing some solo time.
With this in mind, it does rather beg the question why some people were included in the vacation in the first place?
Redditor princesscorgi2 was excited about an upcoming vacation with her husband and her toddler.
The original poster (OP)'s excitement dampened considerably, however, when two additional members asked to join the trip.
When the OP told their husband that they still wanted some time with just the three of them during this trip, they were met with a fair amount of confusion.
Wondering if they were the one responsible for this confusion, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for expecting some time with just my husband and toddler and not my in-laws on our Disney World trip?"
The OP explained why they lost a fair amount of excitement for their upcoming Disney trip:
"We have a Disney vacation planned in a few months."
"It will be my in-laws and my toddler, my husband and me."
"We'll be there for 9 days."
"We are paying completely for our portion of the vacation and will have separate hotel rooms."
"I'm a Disney adult."
"I love Disney!"
"I'm so excited to be able to take my toddler!"
"It's extremely special for me since I've been going since I was his age."
"My very controlling mother-in-law (MIL) has been asking for a family vacation and for some reason because I can't say no I told her that her and my father-in-law (FIL) can join."
"They aren't Disney people and are purely coming to have family time."
"My MIL is very bossy and controlling and will just take my son from me and not let me enjoy any of the social moments with him."
"I brought up to my husband that I'd like some nuclear family time."
"He says that I'm wrong for just bringing them to Disney and leaving them there when they don't even like Disney and are coming just for family time."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had little sympathy with the OP, with many having trouble sympathizing with anyone.
Many felt that if the OP knew her MIL would cause so much stress, she needed to learn to say no, even if they also had trouble accepting the controlling behavior of the OP's MIL, or how passive the OP's husband was regarding his parents:
"ESH."
"You need to learn to say no."
"If people come go on vacation together, they generally spend the vacation together."
"So your husband isn't wrong in what he said."
"Your husband needs to learn to tell his parents to stay in their lane."
"Ultimately, since they're his parents, this is his problem to handle."
"And you need to tell him that."
"And his MIL sucks for being controlling and just taking your kid from you without asking."-Disastrous-Nail-640
"ESH."
"Look, now that you are a mom, it would be in your own best interest to learn to set boundaries and say no ASAP."
"Trust me- if you don't, you're likely in for a world of further issues when it comes to family and your kid(s)."
"Your MIL does not get to just take your son from you- he's YOUR son."
"Talk to your husband and talk about what your expectations are for time with just your little family unit vs. time with the in laws."
"Maybe that's 4 out of the 9 days are just for you guys and your toddler, and the rest are with the in laws."
"Maybe it's half days with them."
"Whatever you and husband can compromise on, get it worked out now."
"Tell his parents in advance so there are no blow ups when you get there (well, hopefully)."
"Tell your husband you don't like when MIL steals your child from you constantly, and tell him you need him to have your back with that."- Stranger0nReddit
"ESH."
"You need to grow a spine. In-laws sound overbearing and awful."
"Why did you say they could come along?"
"That's on you."- pixie-ann
"YTA for inviting them and then wanting to leave them."
"YWNBTA if you had originally respectfully told them no, they cannot go."- xLittleKittenxx
Others however felt the OP willingly brought their frustrations on all by themself, and thus had no right to complain about anything:
"'...because I can't say no I told her that her and my FIL can join'."
"YTA."
"You brought this misery on yourself because you're a doormat."- writierthanyou
"Yes, YTA."
"Because you agreed to let them come."
"When you already knew that they were not Disney people and that it was just for family time."
"Your assumption to be left with your husband and toddler was what you wanted."
"Not your honest assumption of how things would go."- Lithogiraffe
"YTA,:
"You knew they were overbearing, not Disney people and were coming solely for family time, which the has been asking for for some time."
"What did you expect?"
"Some people are ok separating in forups and doing their thing when wanting to do different programs (I am) but others like family time (my mom's family is like that)."
"It sounds like they'd be offended and hurt if you ask them to back off a bit, no matter how gently you do it."
"Next time, plan a weekend getaway or something to accomodate them instead of inviting them along."- Dry_Response4914
"I was so ready to be o your side but then it turns out THEY ASKED and YOU said YES!"
"And you know they're not Disney people, they're paying for an expensive trip just to spend time with your family, and now you want them to leave you guys alone for part of it?"
"What are they supposed to do while you're with your nuclear family?"
"You already know they're not Disney people and won't enjoy their time alone."
"Why didn't you just book a longer time than the time they're with you?"
"Why didn't you do something else for a family vacation and do Disney yourselves?"
"YTA."
"You had so may options but you told them to come on this trip as a family trip, you can't tell them you don't want them now."- SPlNPlNS
"Maybe i'm reading it wrong but they just asked for a family vacation and YOU offered up your Disney trip, no?"
"So yes, YTA if you invited them, and changed your mind, but are acting like they invited themselves on this trip."
"If they DID invite themselves, then as someone else said… idk about the AH but def a pushover."-kns04f
"YTA 1: having no backbone, not knowing how to say no but we blame the 'authoritarian' MIL."
"2: You invited them yourself but then you complain to your husband."
"Once again you pass the responsibility onto someone other than yourself."
"3: come complain on Reddit."- mikoline97
There were a few, however, who understood the OP wanting some time away from their in-laws while on vacation, and felt it was their husband's job to manage their parents:
"NTA."
"For wanting SOME separate from the in-laws."
"My dad took me, my hubby, my oldest so. & his GF to Italy."
"Although we did a lot of touristy stuff as a group, we still had moments of time alone."
"And your hubby can go babysit his parents while you treat your toddler to fun stuff his parents won't be happy with."- Far_Satisfaction_365
"NTA."
"However you should learn boundaries not just for yourself but also for the in laws."
"You should have kept Disney for your husband and son and found another trip to invite the in laws on."
"If they aren't at all interested in Disney I understand why your husband feels weird leaving them behind."
"It's not at all unreasonable to have some solo time w son and husband on a 9 day trip."
"I just think literally any other trip besides a theme park would be so much easier for them to enjoy when not with your nuclear family."
"It's very niche and not really something you can enjoy without kids or as a big Disney fan."
"If they're able bodied and travel on their own maybe do some research and just give them recommendations on things they might enjoy other than Disney."- Lovelylois
Even if the OP's MIL's behavior is on the controlling side, one can't really begrudge a grandmother for wanting to spend time with her grandson.
However, as this was a vacation the OP was planning, they did have the right to make this one only for their family, particularly if they knew how much more stressful the vacation would become should their in-laws join them.
If it is important for the OP to learn that it is sometimes ok, even necessary, to say no, it might be more important to first have an open conversation about their MIL's controlling behavior...
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp