Being outed is a horrible experience. Everyone who is part of the LGBTQ+ community deserves to navigate that journey as they see fit.
But it can be a tricky process for many, and every person involved, in one way or another, may have some misunderstandings when it comes to revelations.
Case in point…
Our Redditor ThrowRA_notoutted wanted to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for ‘outing’ my sister to her kids? “
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Her kids were having a sleepover. We’ve always had this picture of my family up from when we were really young, and this was the FIRST time her kids ever asked about it.”
“She has also seen the picture and never commented on it. They asked who she was in the picture.”
“My sister started transitioning in high school so I don’t really think of her as ‘trans.'”
“Like I know she wasn’t always a woman but old pictures of her are just pictures of her to me. And I sort of assume people know and it’s not a big dark secret.”
“Naturally, I responded honestly. I told them that was their mom, her daughter said she looked like a boy, and I said she was.”
“I tried to explain that she was a boy but now she’s not and her son thought it was funny, but it made her daughter really upset.”
“I was surprised she kept it from them.”
“It didn’t come up again after that, her and her husband picked the kids up eventually and neither kid seemed upset about it.”
“Overall it was a pretty good sleepover.”
“A few hours later, I have her husband on the phone asking what I said and calling me ‘insane.'”
“He said my sister is ‘distraught.’ He was saying I outed her and how cruel that was, but kids are pure.”
“Outing means nothing to them because you can teach them empathy and understanding. There’s nothing to be afraid of, being outed to a kid.”
“Still I did out her, which I apologized for. I eventually got her on the phone and she said she’s really upset with me but she understands I didn’t mean to cause any harm.”
“I asked her if she was ever planning to tell her kids and she said she wasn’t sure. I was SHOCKED at that.”
“My sister isn’t typically a dishonest person. AT ALL. Both kids even know they’re adopted. I told her I did her kids a favour, which I believe, and then she said I’m never sorry about anything.”
“I think outing is horrible, but in this situation, was it justified?”
“My husband also agrees it’s the kind of lie that would have left her children distrustful of her in the future.”
Redditors had no issue sharing their thoughts on this matter by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors felt our OP WAS the a**hole.
So let’s take a deep dive into their thoughts.
“YTA. That conversation was not your place, period. You should have told her to ask her parents about it and moved on.”
“I understand that you didn’t intend to cause a problem, but being thoughtless about something can still be being an A[**] H[OLE].”
“I’m glad it doesn’t seem to be causing a permanent rift between you and your sister, but definitely YTA here.” ~ trashchaos
“I could almost give OP a pass just for unwittingly outing their mom if she had just apologized.”
“But clearly that apology meant nothing since she went on to say she did ‘her kids a favor.'” ~ Libba_Loo
“Another big issue I have is that at no point did she call her sister to even give her a heads up about what happened so she could prepare.”
“Those 2 things specifically made me very harsh in my judgment.”
“The whole post was justification after justification without remorse.”
“I don’t like to be mean, and I felt very mean in my response/judgment but she really overstepped and I’m willing to bet based on her sister’s statement that she does it all the time.” ~ Low-Assistance9231
“That was my first thought when I read what OP did!”
“When my daughter has been at my mom’s and a big question comes up the first thing she does is message me and say hey we were talking and x came up (usually stuff related to her bio dad who abandoned her a few years ago).”
“When it comes to big important topics, when they unintentionally come up, the parents need to know.” ~ trashchaos
“I can’t get over the ‘kids are pure, outing means nothing to them because you can teach them kindness and empathy’ bit.”
“Kids can be absolute a**holes. With the little boy thinking it was funny he could have really hurt his mom if he started making fun of her for being trans.”
“Clearly the daughter was upset about the whole situation. This was absolutely not OP’s place to tell them.”
“And after the sister’s response, it absolutely seems like OP does this often. Poor sister. :(“ ~ Frejian
“Also, the kids are still very young.”
“Outing their mom to them will mean that they might tell others.”
“Maybe mom doesn’t want some parents in their play groups or at school to know, and maybe the kids will get bullied etc.”
“Opened a whole can of worms that can have more consequences than just the kids knowing.” ~ TheOneMary
“This this this this this! This is why you don’t meddle in other people’s lives like this.”
“OP thinks she’s done some righteous thing by “being honest” when in fact she has potentially exposed her sister and her family to serious harm.”
“It would not be the first time transphobes with an axe to grind have called CPS on a transgender parent.”
“Depending on where they live and local views on gender, etc a whole lot of things from headache to heartache can happen to that family if the information ends up with the wrong people.” ~ LadleRat
“OP Tried to make it sound as ‘unwittingly’ however I honestly think that as soon as the remark ‘she looks like a boy’ was made she had to have known the kids didn’t know.”
“She could have just as easily said, that’s how she liked to dress.”
“Or her hair was shorter than usual and kids wouldn’t have given it a second thought.”
“Then if she feels strongly that this is something that kids need to know she could have talked to her sister separately. OPTA.” ~ SufficientPositive60
Well that is a lot to digest. Talking with other people’s kids can be tricky, even if you’re close family.
Our OP gave an update after reading everyone’s comments.
A later posting stated…
“Okay, I’m in the wrong.”
“The few people agreeing with me have been majority, extremely rude and transphobic to my sister.”
“I’ll be apologizing to her. Please understand I did not want to make this a place where transphobes could spout rhetoric.”
No matter if you agree or disagree with our OP, we can all agree… be kind.
To everyone.