Having a friend date your ex is just a recipe for drama. But when the friend in question is actually your twin brother?
That’s the situation a guy on Reddit found himself in when he came home from college to find his twin was engaged to his ex-girlfriend.
He ended up refusing to attend the wedding because of the awkward situation, but wasn’t sure about how he’d handled it. So he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Much_Significance157 on the site, asked:
“AITA for refusing to attend my twin brother’s wedding?”
“I (21M[ale]) first started dating my now ex girlfriend (21F[emale]) when we were both 16, however, we made the decision to break up before heading off to college when we were 18. I decided to go a few hours away while she decided to stay local.”
“Also note that my girlfriend was very close with my family so this was hard on my family as well.”
“When returning home from my first year of college, my brother surprised me with the news that he had been dating a girl for over 6 months now.”
“Only problem—it was my ex girlfriend. I was obviously pissed and my brother understood but made it clear he had no intention of breaking up with her.”
“Eventually we came to the agreement that we would continue our relationship if he never mentioned her to me or made us interact—he happily agreed to these terms.”
“However, recently my brother surprised me with the news that the two of them are now engaged, and he wants me to be his best man.”
“I told him absolutely not. He and I had agreed from the beginning that I would not have to attend any event where my ex would be there.”
“My whole family is calling me selfish and telling me I can suck it up for one night. But I just don’t feel comfortable being the best man at my ex’s wedding.”
“AITA for refusing to go to the wedding and be his best man?”
“For clarification, yes, we are identical twins.”
OP’s fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this conflict using the following acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many felt OP was NTA.
“NTA – Those were your terms. He agreed to them. End of story.” —Blueheron77
“I think dating your siblings ex is a scummy thing to do anyway so why the hell should you be uncomfortable for someone who’s done that to you?”
“I think you handle the entire situation well (better than most people would) with the agreement you both came up with, I’m actually shocked your brother thought you’d say yes????”
“Like that generally baffles me, why on earth would you be the best man at your brothers and ex girlfriends wedding.” —that-bro-joshy
But others had reservations about OP’s approach.
“I don’t disagree with your judgement on OP being NTA. The proverbial ‘bro code’/’girl code’ etc …… don’t date the ex of your close friend or family member.”
“I understand why OP is unhappy that his brother is with his ex, and I can certainly understand his reluctance over being the best man at his ex’s wedding.”
“That being said this is also a complex issue. The fact that his ex is entering his family makes it so.”
“OP says he won’t go to any event where his ex/future SIL will be attending. That’s his boundary, and as long as he understands what that means.”
“If his brother and future SIL have kids, he probably won’t want to be a loving uncle; or want his brother and SIL to be loving to his kids if he ever settles down and has kids of his own”
“Birthdays, christenings, other family weddings, OP will choose to bail on all of them if this is where he draws the line.”
“Heck, and I know this isn’t anything anyone wants to think about, but what about funerals? The parents have made it clear that she’s welcome in their family and I understand why.”
“They shouldn’t be forced to pick and choose between two brothers; their love as parents is unconditional. But what if one of the parents, god forbid, passes early?”
“If you were in OP’s shoes, would you really choose not to attend your own mother or father’s funeral, all because you’re avoiding a girl you dated back in high school?”
“(And before anyone says ‘she shouldn’t come’, why shouldn’t she come to family funerals when she’s becoming family too?)” —MissingASemicolon
And several Redditors just downright thought OP needed to get over himself.
“…Op, Who cares who was the a**hole here, it’s done. She is going to be your sister in law, you’ve got to get that right with you.”
“Go have an honest conversation with your brother.” —rupeeblue
“Oh for f’ks sake, you people have to know better than this.”
“Like I ain’t saying the guys the a**hole or anything, but you HAVE to see that he tried to set ‘terms’ that are 100% untenable.” —My_Opinions_Are_Good
“Yeah…6 months into the relationship when his brother made an unreasonable demand. Why unreasonable?”
“Because he chose to break up with her. It wasn’t a bad breakup; they were just at different places in their lives.”
“Look, his brother sucks for hooking up with his ex, but OP sucks too for not accepting the relationship after all this time.” —Disastrous-Nail-640
“I don’t know if YTA, but if you’re going to spend the rest of your life religiously avoiding the person your twin is married to because you dated her in high school, that’s gonna make life pretty weird.”
“Might be a good time to move forward for your sake and theirs.” —tenkindsofsalt
“Sorry, but YTA. You and your ex ended it. ENDED IT. She ended up dating your brother, and now being engaged to him. ‘Deals’ don’t matter at this point.”
“Your brother is marrying this woman, so unless you are prepared to cut off all contact with your family then you’re going to have to come to terms with it.”
“If you loved her, you never should have ended the relationship. You have NO claim on her, so grow a pair, suck it up and be in the wedding.” —havartna
Hopefully these brothers can find a way to put this behind them.