Something we don’t talk about enough is the many conversations two people should have before they move in together.
Not only is it important for them to discuss expectations and routines, but they should also talk about their plans for the various responsibilities around the home, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor xytrion had been living with her boyfriend for about a month, and she was already staring in the face of burnout because of working, paying most of the bills, and handling all of the home responsibilities that her boyfriend was actively neglecting.
Not immediately wanting to give up on living together, the Original Poster (OP) tried to renegotiate their shared responsibilities or even hiring a cleaner instead, and she was disheartened when her boyfriend dismissed all of her suggestions.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for asking my boyfriend to either help clean or to pay for a cleaner?”
The OP was already exhausted after only living with her boyfriend for one month.
“My boyfriend (26 Male) and I (26 Female) moved in together a month ago. We have been dating for four years. Prior to moving together, I lived alone and paid my own bills, groceries, etc.”
“When we were apartment-hunting, he really wanted to get a two-bedroom, two-bathroom arrangement, as it was his first time moving out of his parents’ house. I agreed to this, since he is the one paying rent.”
“However, this is his only bill. I am paying for the groceries, utilities (water and electricity).”
“We make around the same base wage; however, he has the option to work overtime (which he usually takes every week) and has additional income, while I am salaried.”
Paying most of the bills was not all the OP was doing.
“In addition to the bills, I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry (towels and sheets).”
“This has taken a huge toll on me, as now I have to clean weekly (dust, vacuum, mop, dishes, etc).”
“When I lived alone, I could get away with cleaning once a month because my place was small, but now with the larger apartment and two of us, I feel like I’m constantly cleaning every week (dusting, vacuuming, mopping, dishes, etc.).”
“I asked him to help out with cleaning the bathrooms weekly, but in the month we have lived together, he has only gotten to it once. And this was him wiping the bathroom surfaces with a Clorox wipe.”
“We both work full time, I work first shift (corporate), and he works second shift (first responder).”
The OP felt increasingly discouraged.
“I suggested the idea of hiring a cleaner each month that he could pay for, but he is against the idea because he doesn’t think it’s necessary.”
“Was I wrong for asking him to either help more with cleaning or pay for a cleaner?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some cringed and pointed out that the OP had set herself up for disappointment.
“NTA, but there’s a weird power imbalance in your relationship where he’s going to refuse because all he has to do is pay the rent, but not help around the place, and you’ve agreed to it since day one…”
“The boundaries were set oddly, and he will feel no obligation to make your job easier, it seems.” – SignificantCircada156
“NTA. Why are you doing all of the things? You’ve been tricked into a domestic relationship you didn’t want or ask for. He clearly expects you to do it. You need to draw the line.” – grapefruitviolin
“You are the a**hole to yourself for allowing him to use you as his maid and substitute mommy. His mother probably did all that when he was at home, and now he expects you to take over the mom duties.”
“Tell him either he steps up to his half of the cleaning, or he pays for maid service once a week. He is taking advantage of you. If you allow it to continue, it will only get worse, and he will expect more and more domestic work from you.” – Intelcourier
“OP doesn’t want to admit that she’s living with a selfish a**hole. A cleaner won’t fix this mess.” – Horror_Ad_2738
“She was smart to move in with him now while she can still get out. Getting married and buying a house would be a mistake. Now she knows.” – Direct_Crab3928
Others advised the OP to stop doing any of her boyfriend’s tasks for him.
“‘Hiring a cleaner each month that he could pay for, but he is against the idea because he doesn’t think it’s necessary.’ That’s because you’re doing ALL the cleaning.”
“Why the f**k are you cleaning his bathroom? Why the f**k are you doing his laundry, washing all the dishes, just WHY? He traded in his mother for you.”
“You need to find your own place cuz this was a huge mistake. I hope your name isn’t on the lease.” – BeeFree66
“If I were OP, I’d move into the second bedroom, declare the second bath mine alone, do none of his laundry, cook only for myself, and clean only my spaces to the degree I find comfortable.”
“Groceries and utilities are probably approaching a similar amount as rent, so it’s not like OP is getting some sort of free ride.” – Lazy-Conversation-48
“I don’t wash my partner’s clothes, and I have always refused. If I am cleaning, so is he. He does the majority of the cooking. You made the mistake of moving in together without plans for who is doing what. You should split all bills down the middle. Don’t make this mistake with your next partner!” – ReflectionOk2553
“You said this is his first apartment? Lived at home until this? His Mom did everything, and that is what he’s used to. You are not the AH.”
“Cooking and cleaning should be shared. I make 3 times what my wife makes, I do all the cooking and cleaning of dishes, and I typically vacuum and take care of the outside chores. She handles the rest. I mow, shovel snow, tend the garden, feed the birds, and clean the garage.”
“We’ve been married 35 years.” – Substantial_Pace9900
“He’s used to having mother around to handle everything and either never learned or deliberately ignores how much work it takes to keep the house clean and running.”
“He needs a reality check stat, either in the form of marching him around the house and explaining EXACTLY how many chores are done and how long each one takes, going on chore strike and only doing your own dishes/laundry so he’s forced to contend with everything else if he wants a nice home, or breaking up with him and leaving him to it.” – willowsquest
“Ladies! Stop taking on all of the domestic duties, thinking you’re impressing a man with your ability to be a housewife. You know what happens? You marry these douche bags and have to do that thankless job for the rest of your life while he sits on the couch scratching his a**.”
“Throw kids into the mix and now you’re just burnt out and resentful, because he ain’t gonna help with them either. Don’t date men that don’t have the ability to act like functional adults.” – ItJustWontDo242
Some also saw the issues with cleaning and bills going hand-in-hand.
“You need to renegotiate that all bills, including rent, are split equally, as are all chores. I’d be cautious with a man who, in only a month, made it clear that he doesn’t mind taking advantage of you.” – Stellar_Jay8
“YTA TO YOURSELF. Why are you not sharing rent and bills 50/50? Or 60/40? Why are you cleaning after an adult? If you have two bathrooms, reserve one for yourself and let him deal with his own.”
“Why are you accepting being a doormat from day one? Why are you the only one cooking? Like, I have so many questions. Nothing of this makes sense, and you are getting secrewed big time.”
“I feel sad for these women in their twenties who are adopting a man-child. Have some respect for yourself. Did you raise yourself and invest in yourself for this day?” – Octoberof2022
“You are not TAH. He is paying all the rent, and you pay for everything else, and doing all the housework? Add up your monthly expenses, then add all the hours you spend cooking and cleaning, at either the rate of your salary or the rate a cleaner would charge (whichever is higher).”
“Which is higher: your total or his? Either way, cooking and cleaning should be split 50-50. If he doesn’t want to do his fair share, he should hire someone to do it for him.” – heartless2025
“NTA. Renegotiate. You make about the same salary: split the rent and the rest of the bills, including food.”
“Then divvy up chores so that you both have equal free time. Ask yourself if right now: is he stealing your free time?”
“Go hard over on this, and count all of your time spent planning and writing everything out. He thinks your efforts are free, because he hasn’t experienced what it’s like.”
“If he won’t eagerly share responsibility, then it shows he thinks he’s worth more than you. Pay attention. If you are disappointed at how he continues to minimize and disrespect your concerns, leave. Leave before you are entrapped and before you hate him.” – sezit
“Why can’t you pay for a cleaner? Does the cost, along with groceries and utilities, end up being more than what he’s paying in rent?”
“I also think you need to stop doing all the chores. He can help and learn to cook. If he refuses to do that and refuses to clean beyond Clorox wipes on countertops, then let the mess build up, his dishes stack up, and his laundry basket remain full.”
“But I really hope you’re not doing his laundry because then he really has another mommy in you cleaning after him. He just moved out of his parents’ home, and if he hasn’t lifted a finger since you moved in together, that means his mother was doing the chores back home.”
“By the way, he doesn’t think a cleaner is necessary because the apartment is always clean. He doesn’t see the grime because you’re always on top of it. Stop cleaning and let him see how quickly the mess shows up.” – Extra-Astronomer-688
“You’re coming to him with a solution to a problem he doesn’t have. He’s fine with the current system, where he doesn’t help, takes more than he puts in, and your work makes his life better. He knows he isn’t helping, and he’s good with that.”
“That’s your problem, are you good to live like that? It’s not about the unfair division of chores; it’s that you’re making a life with a man who is comfortable taking from you. We need to stop acting like men don’t know what they’re doing, he knows.” – swinglowcherrycherry
While the couple had only been living together for one month, there’s just as much of an opportunity for their living situation to worsen as there is for it to improve. If the OP was already trying to share her concerns and possible solutions for them, and her boyfriend was refusing to hear her, that sounded like nothing but bad news.