Couples can find just about anything to argue about.
One issue that can cause tension is disrespect.
If one partner is repeatedly disrespecting the other's wishes or personal property, all hell can break loose.
A person only has so much patience.
Redditor Cubanboy2020 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my wife not to use our expensive chef knife to cut plastic?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I do the majority of the work in the kitchen, whether that's cooking or cleaning."
"Probably 95% or more."
"Two years ago, my wife bought me a $110 Japanese chef's knife for Christmas."
"The first expensive knife I have ever owned."
"I have been babying it as much as possible, washing it by hand immediately after use instead of throwing it in the dishwasher."
"My wife, however, treats it like a $5 Walmart knife on the rare occasion she cooks."
"She leaves it unwashed on the counter even after cutting lemons."
"Acid is especially bad for these knives, which pit and rust easily."
"She also uses it to cut through plastic packaging."
"I've asked her to be nicer to it a number of times."
"It makes no impact."
"Today she was making breakfast, and I found her slicing through a plastic cheese wrapping."
"I asked her (again) to please not do this because it dulls the knife, and she knows it."
"She said ok."
"A minute later, she needs to open a sausage package."
"I said, you're going to use the expensive knife again, aren't you?"
"She turns to me and says, 'What should I use to open this then?'"
"I said, 'There are supposed to be scissors in the kitchen. Where are they?'"
"She replied, 'Are the scissors going to be clean enough to cut?'"
"I yelled, 'Use one of the other cheap knives, then!'"
"There are two of them behind her in the cabinet, and I'm sure she knows it."
"This just comes off to me as weaponized incompetence."
"So I say, 'I know you want to use the good knife. Just do it.'"
"She said, 'No, I just want to know what you want me to use,' and then she cut the sausage packaging with the good knife."
"I said, 'You know, this is like if I took one of your expensive dresses and mopped the floor with it, and when you caught me, I said, 'What else was I supposed to use?'"
"This was met with 'I don't know why you're going on about this.'"
"Our adult kid witnessed all this and says, 'She gave you the knife, she can use it however she wants.'"
"So I'm a petty a-hole for wanting people to treat my gift nicely for my own copious use of it in the kitchen to make them all food."
"I am now hiding it in a cabinet and will continue to do so after each time I use it."
"I'm sure I'm an a-hole for that too."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA and your kid is wrong."
"She gave YOU the knife, did not buy it for general use, so it is YOUR possession and as such should be treated with the care you think it needs or not used at all."
"I would also remove it from general availability if they can't treat it with respect." ~ CestLaquoidarling
"Agreed. The kid doesn't seem to understand that once a gift is given, the person giving it no longer has any type of claim to it."
"Just because OP's wife gifted him the knife doesn't mean she can use it however she wants. "
"That's not how gifts work."
"Also, there's a superstition that knives shouldn't be given since the sharp blade symbolizes cutting/severing ties or relationships."
'A token coin or dollar is often offered, so the recipient of the knife symbolically 'buys' it from the giver, thwarting any bad luck." ~ TheGrooveasaurus
"NTA. This, especially, is very wrong..."
"Our adult kid witnessed all this and says, 'She gave you the knife, she can use it however she wants.'"
"NO. She gave YOU the knife."
"It's YOUR knife."
"YOU get to say how it is used, and by whom."
"Gift GIVER does not get to use and abuse the gift given however they want."
"I have had the same issue; people don't understand how to use knives or how to take care of them."
"It's true of other tools also, but knives especially."
"Using them to cut wire (!), wondering why they get chipped, using the tip as a screwdriver (!), never sharpening them, etc."
"I was at a friend's house making brunch; she had a drawer full of cheap knives, so dull that not a single one of them could cut a piece of bacon. Embarrassing."
"She also puts wood through the dishwasher and wonders why it splits and cracks. Ugh."
"Sadly, you may need to hide or lock up the knife to prevent misuse." ~ MarionberryPlus8474
"Your child's statement makes no sense."
"Your wife is not the owner of the knife and therefore cannot just 'use it however she likes.'"
"She gave the knife to you and therefore should be asking for permission to use it."
"I'm sorry, OP, but you raised a dummy. NTA." ~ EclecticEvergreen
"NTA. Fine knife abuse is disgraceful."
"Your son is wrong."
"Once she gave you the knife, she gave up the right to abuse it." ~ Irish_beast
"NTA. This is the same energy as the folks who don't understand you do NOT use the fabric shears for paper."
"Your only bad behavior is not insisting she use one of the cheap knives."
"Huffing and resenting that she's using the good knife to cut packaging without saying explicitly, 'you should use the cheap knife, and you should know that' is passive-aggressive, and you're going to give yourself a martyr complex."
"Also, your kid is wrong."
"When you give a gift, it belongs to the giftee, not the giver." ~ small_spider_liker
"NTA. I'd also go to the Dollar Tree and buy a stack of kitchen shears and put them in multiple places in the kitchen. "
"They can go through the dishwasher too, so they're clean for use in cutting both packaging and food if it'd be helpful." ~ Winterwynd
"NTA. Your child has learned from her, though; this is it for you."
"'She gave the knife to you. YEAH, AS A GIFT. IT'S YOURS!'"
"You gave her an analogy that made sense, and she dismissed it because she KNOWS she's wrong and KEEPS doing it."
"Narcissistic behavior." ~ CoCoaStitchesArt
"NTA. Seriously, my heart kinda dropped just reading your title. Ugh."
"I have a pair of very expensive, very sharp sewing shears."
"That has never cut anything other than fabric."
"I would be absolutely incensed if someone used them so casually." ~ RosieCrone
"NTA. I sew and quilt; my family understands my fabric scissors are not to be used for anything else or by anyone else."
"My son and I both have 'good' knives."
"They are treated appropriately."
"At my son's house, I have my own chef's knife, so I do not reach for his."
"He has not requested that I do this."
"Oh, I bought my son's knives, but that does not mean I have full use of them."
"And the house my son lives in is mine too." ~ GalianoGirl
"NTA. Your wife is not stupid, I assume?"
"She's being disrespectful and petty."
"If my partner asked me not use a knife like that, I'd find another knife."
"It's literally so easy."
"There is no valid excuse for her to keep doing it."
"Even if she didn't have another knife."
"Go clean the scissors."
"Pierce it with your nails."
"Find another way."
"There is no universe in which your special knife is the only way she can open things." ~ danniperson
"NTA. When my fiancé and I moved in together, he was very much into knives/cooking, and his best friend got him an engraved knife from Japan."
"He has a knife-sharpening stone and takes care of his knives better than he takes care of most things."
"I know how important it is to him, so I make sure I do my part in keeping it functional and in its best condition."
"There have been slip-ups (like me putting it in the sink, or in a metal bowl which can bend the tip), but he lets me know he'd prefer if I didn't do that and explained why."
"So now if I use the nice knife, I clean it right away and don't let it sit anywhere."
"Your wife GIFTED it TO YOU."
"It's now YOURS to do what you please and treat how you want."
"It feels like your wife feels entitled since she bought it, but the moment she gifted it to you, it was no longer hers."
"She can take the extra 10 seconds to grab a paring knife, or a cheap one."
"At this point, I'd put your knife in a knife roll and keep it in a place she can't reach/wouldn't think to look."
"If the knife's not around, she'll find another method to open the plastic wrap." ~ _Nerf-This_
"NTA. The kid is wrong."
"She gave you the knife, so it's yours to use as you see fit."
"I bought my husband who bakes a really nice bread knife."
"That's his to use. I'm not going to take it and use it to slice anything." ~ BoldBoimlerIsMyHero
"This is the equivalent of using sewing or beautician shears to cut paper."
"OP, does your wife sew?"
"If so, start using her expensive fabric shears to cut plastic packaging."
"Seriously, my husband gave me a set of awesome kitchen knives."
"He knows I will do bad things if I catch him misusing them."
"They are for food."
"Kitchen scissors are for everything else." ~ WAtransplant2021
Reddit wants your wife to keep her hands off your knife, OP.
It doesn't matter if she gifted it to you; it's yours.
She is being very disrespectful.
It's not difficult to go grab some scissors.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp