In every relationship we have, whether romantic or platonic, we each have strengths that we’ll bring, like being the funny one or the smart, grounded one.
The last thing any of us wants to be is the financially-savvy one, or the rich one, cringed the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit, because we’ll be left wondering if we’re loved for our personalities or our money.
Redditor dariomint_7 was happy in a relationship, and for a while, he was comfortable with footing more of the bill for vacations and other big expenses, knowing that he made more per year.
But when he noticed a pattern in their relationship, and her expecting him to foot the bill every time, the Original Poster (OP) challenged his girlfriend to budget differently so he didn’t have to be the “default wallet” in their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for telling my girlfriend I won’t split vacations 70/30 anymore and calling her out on her spending?”
The OP accidentally set a precedent when he started dating his girlfriend.
“I’m 28 (Male), and she’s 27 (Female). We’ve been dating for a little over a year.”
“I make more money per year, about 92K, and she makes around 55K.”
“From the start, I didn’t mind paying for more stuff because I liked her and I knew I could afford it.”
“So date nights were usually on me. When we did a weekend trip, I paid for the Airbnb, and she covered gas and breakfast; that kind of thing.”
It finally hit the OP that this might be a problem.
“The problem is, it never stopped.”
“Last month, she sent me a whole Pinterest-style vacation plan for Mexico and said, ‘If you can handle the flight and hotel, I can do food and souvenirs.'”
“Flights were like 1.1K total, and the hotel was another 900. Meanwhile, she just bought a new iPhone, gets her nails done every two weeks, goes to the gym and pilates, and orders DoorDash about four times per week. She is not starving.”
“I told her straight that I don’t want to be the default wallet. I said I’m fine paying a bit more because I earn more, but I don’t want vacations to be basically mine to fund while she spends her money on lifestyle stuff.”
The OP’s girlfriend was not happy with his feedback.
“She got really upset and said I was making her feel poor and that, ‘You knew I make less, why are you punishing me for it?'”
“I said I’m not punishing her and that I just want us to both prioritize the same thing. If she saved 300 a month, she could cover her half easily.”
“Now she’s saying I overreacted and made money a bigger issue than it had to be.”
“Did I go too hard, or is it normal to say no when it starts feeling one-sided?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that it was better to have this conversation now rather than later.
“Better to see this now rather than later. It’s only going to get worse.” – hagamans
“My friend’s girlfriend, now wife, was the same way. She’s gotten them into credit card debt so bad that they have almost no savings, and every single bonus he gets goes to bailing them out little by little.”
“She keeps driving it in deeper with one bad habit after another. It’s not even big purchases, new shoes here, coffee out daily, new toys for the kids, she suddenly has reactions to some material in her clothes, so she buys all new shit made out of the same material; the list goes on.”
“Then she dives into a hobby headfirst that she will give up within a year, and suddenly there’s $20K on the CC and she’s using Klarna to buy new shoes.”
“It really hit him when one of the kids needed emergency dental work. Insurance covered part, but the rest was $5K. They didn’t even have $300 in savings, so she financed the work at 38% APR…”
“They love each other, so they’re trying to make it all work, but I hope the OP doesn’t find himself in the same situation.” – DubGrips
“I also had a girl like this. I would warn her she was getting in over her head. She ignored me. Maxed out credit cards. Etc.”
“What did I do? I jumped in after her and then held the roof up until I was f**ked, too.”
“Don’t do this. If they can’t take care of themselves, they have no business with you.” – ForsakenWishbone5206
“Sounds like a relationship I know, the wife has no concept of budgeting and then tells her husband he’s upsetting or stressing her out by talking about it in a calm, rational manner. P**ses me off, to be honest.”
“I told him to take away her credit cards and just give her an allowance for groceries and such. Harsh, I know, but when you’re borderline on the verge of going bankrupt, you gotta make some tough choices.”
“Thankfully, that didn’t happen, and she’s finally starting to understand how money and budgets work, but still, that was a long slog for them.” – CndnCowboy1975
“She expected me to cover everything, dates, nights out, meals, clubbing, trips away.”
“It came to a head when my employer at the time f**ked up my pay one month, and we were due to go to London for the weekend. She said she’d cover it as she really wanted to go, I thought, ‘F**k me, this is a turnaround.'”
“Nope.”
“When we got back, she asked me when my pay would be sorted out, so I could pay her back for the entire weekend we’d just had.”
“Soon after, we split up, and she harassed me for three weeks until my pay came in and I paid her back (just to get her out of my hair).”
“Coincidentally, the evening I met her to pay her back (it was over 25 years ago, instant bank transfers weren’t really a thing), I went to a nightclub and met my wife of nearly 25 years.”
“Thank you, Sam. You did me a massive favor by being an entitled princess.” – flipfloppery
Others applauded the OP and said financial adjustments had to be made for the relationship to work.
“NOR. This was the split between my husband and me, with very similar income levels when we started dating. When we first moved in together and his share of rent was higher, I cut back on personal spending like nails, clothes, delivery, etc.”
“We now make about the same, but he still covers big purchases, and I cover my half with a higher quality, smaller purchases, and we check the balance each month, and if it’s lopsided, try to even it out the following month. We don’t have kids, and we split household chores fairly equitably.”
“To be honest, even in a low-cost-of-living area, with the way prices are these days, a person making $55k should probably cut back on discretionary spending like nails and DoorDash even if they’re not planning a vacation.” – Various-Cat-6442
“Ding ding ding! NOR.”
“Yes, people need to be cognizant that someone might make substantially less than the other partner and adjust accordingly, but on the other side of the coin, people need to be wary of partners that see the additional spending and use you as a debt shield.”
“Eventually, one can overextend themselves to make the partner happy, and then be in a financial pickle.” – i_count_to_firetruck
“NOR. Her spending is insane for her income level. If she cut her DoorDash to twice a week, that would be way more than enough to cover her share of the vacation.”
“I suggest taking some time to consider if you want to be a partner or a cash register in the long term.” – AMonitorDarkly
“I make more than that, and I get in my car and either buy groceries or go to where I’m eating to dine in or pickup. We have kids and that cuts our vacation money, but I was like this before I had them too.”
“I don’t understand not just going somewhere and picking up your food, but then again I live in a city where public transit is nil and you basically HAVE to have a car if you want to work…” – murphys_ghost
“You are seeing a huge red flag, and you’re lucky it played out before the wedding.”
“Vote with your feet. DoorDash 4x a week is sheer madness. She’s used to having you as a blank check.”
“I get it as an emergency or something, and maybe your overtime justifies it. But with quick math, four times a week for 52 weeks is 208 meals. In my experience, it’s probably 40 dollars per meal.”
“But let’s be generous with 30 dollars, considering it may not be EVERY week. That’s $6,240 a year just on DoorDash. Considering a $55,000 salary in a 22% tax bracket. She’s maybe taking home. 42,900.”
“That’s almost 15% of her salary. Imagine if that were going to a savings or 401 (k). That’s a HUGE change to your future together, wedding planning, and of course, travel.” – Lucky_Locks
The subReddit didn’t necessarily see this as a deal breaker, but it was important that the OP was bringing this up now, so the couple could either sort this out and strategize for smarter spending habits, or break up.
With the way the OP’s girlfriend was already spending at their current salary range, there was no telling the trouble she could land them in at a higher salary bracket, in a more expensive city, or with children.