There are few greater joys than bringing a baby home.
Of course, bringing a baby home also comes with more than its fair share of challenges.
None more so than an almost complete lack of sleep.
Indeed, sleep with a newborn baby in the house tends to be such a precious commodity, that when those rare moments of sleep being interrupted, there can sometimes be hell to pay.
Redditor Helpful_Task_8591 and her husband recently brought home a new baby.
As is the case with all new parents, both of them found themselves at a sleep deficit to feed their baby in the middle of the night.
The original poster (OP)'s husband, however, accused her of making it even more challenging to sleep than it should have been.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for unintentionally waking up my husband while feeding baby?"
The OP explained why her husband felt she was as or more at fault for his lack of sleep than their newborn baby:
"My husband and I just had our first baby."
"She's 2 months old and we are 'in the trenches' as you can imagine."
"Recently we've had a lot of fights over night-time feedings."
"At night our baby sleeps in a bed-side crib and wakes up every 3-4 hours to take a bottle then goes straight back to sleep."
"He takes the first half of the night, I take the second half."
"I find it most efficient to feed her by her crib."
"On several occasions, I'd wake up to feed the baby, it would be quiet except for sounds from her drinking from the bottle, but my husband would get woken up and finds it difficult to go back to sleep, saying he finds the baby's lip-smacking sounds disturbing."
"He asks that I go feed the baby in a different room."
"I refused."
"I believe moving to a different room creates more work and discomfort for me, also risks baby crying and not going back to sleep easily."
"My husband not liking a certain sound is not my fault, and I don't believe he has the right to ask others to work around something that I see as a personal preference."
"Further, I felt quite offended that he's complaining about disturbed sleep when I get up several times a night to not only feed the baby but also pump breastmilk, wash/disinfect bottles, etc."
"My husband thinks his 'condition', i.e. sensitivity to lip sounds is not something he could change."
"He has tried to wear earplugs but they sometimes fall out in the middle of the night."
"He feels it's a small request and feels hurt that I refused to accommodate and called his condition 'stupid' and 'ridiculous'."
"We both work from home on a flexible schedule, so it's not like he has a stressful job and need to wake up early for work."
"My husband has never mentioned his reversion towards lip sounds until recently."
"He likes to stay up late so usually he stays up until baby wakes up for first night feeding, then go to bed."
"He usually keeps the baby with him in another room until he goes to bed."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not the OP was the a**hole for unintentionally waking up her husband.
Many felt that the OP's husband was being immature and ridiculous, feeling that if he was as sensitive to sound as he claimed to be, that he should not sleep in the same room as the baby during this time:
"My baby is five and a half weeks now and does the same as yours for night feedings."
"He's in a bedside crib as well."
"I breastfeed at night so my husband is able to sleep through the night and take the morning shift so I can sleep in."
"If I accidentally wake him up with noise, he looks over and smiles at us, refills my water, and fixes the blanket on me."
"He had an early shift last week and you know what he did?"
"He slept in another room because he knew he needed to sleep through the night without any distractions."
"The baby is learning new routines and needs consistency."
"The adults need to adjust and adapt to the baby."
"NTA but your husband is being unreasonable and needs to chill."- polkadotd
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
"Did having a baby change his life?"
"Poor husband."
"A baby that goes nicely back to sleep after a night feed is a real blessing; some babies need patting back to sleep after every feed!"
"He should move to a different room, not make you move."
"NTA."- Meowth_the_kitten
"NTA."
"If your husband is so 'disturbed' by you feeding HIS child, he can go sleep in another room."
"He's being a selfish a**."- NorthernLitUp
"NTA."
"But remember you guys are not enemies, you are lovers."
"The baby is the enemy."- sippinonginaandjuice
Some, however, were a bit more sympathetic to the noise sensitivity of the OP's husband, even if they still agreed the OP did nothing wrong:
"NAH."
"I get the feeling, I'm a light sleeper as well, and weird noises wake me up."
"Once I'm up, it's hard as heck to fall back asleep."
"I also understand your side, and the convenience it is."
"Those times are hard (and sadly, don't get easier for awhile)."
"Everyone is just in survival mode."- FaithlessnessFar6547
"NAH."
"Mother of 3 here with my youngest being 10mo."
"First thing to remember is that this isn't you against your husband but rather you AND your husband against the problem, the problem being lack of sleep."
"Does your husband feel that you should take the baby out of the room because he keeps her with him while you sleep by yourself?"
"He probably thinks that since you get to sleep alone 'without disturbance' that you should be doing the same for him."
"You mentioned that you both work from home, but only that his job isn't stressful."
"Is yours stressful?"
"Do you need to wake up very early?"
"If so, then maybe the suggestions for him wearing earplugs, using white noise, or relocating to another room are most beneficial."
"If not, then I must ask what the harm is in taking her out for feeding?"
"How much longer does it take to put her down if she's removed from the room?"
"30ish minutes or a few hours?"
"If it's the former, you'll probably just need to bite the bullet and remove her for a little while, but if it's the latter then he needs to make an adjustment."
"Is it possible to swap shifts?"
"In my personal experience, the 2nd shift was way harder on me."
"You say he normally stays up late, but if it's truly causing him this much stress, then maybe change it up where he goes to bed earlier."
"This may also help you understand each other's perspectives."
"Lastly, while you may think he sounds ridiculous about his 'condition,' try to refrain from insults."
"I suggest looking up the Rules to Fair Fighting."
"Sit down and have a genuine conversation and work together on compromises."
"I hope you can both get some good rest soon."- Passionate_Salt
"NAH when everyone is tired."
"We all get miserable and irritated by random things when we've had no sleep."
"This is why my partner and I did bed hopping (so we'd both start in the same bed, then one goes into the spare room at around 2am)."
"Usually him, unless I was losing my mind, as I was on maternity leave."
"However, you could also dip to the spare bed if the baby is walking a lot in the first half of the night, then you switch."
"This way you all get some uninterrupted sleep and some snuggle time together as well."-RemoveComfortable982
"Misophonia is a real thing and it creates a high level of agitation so there is little chance a person who has been triggered by it could fall back asleep easily."
"Basically hearing these noises is like giving him a double shot of espresso."
"BUT It's his disorder and he can contribute to finding a solution that works for both of you."
"White noise machine."
"Separate rooms. There's options."
"If you are splitting the nighttime feedings, it defeats the purpose for both parents to be awake, especially if one can't go back to sleep afterwards."
"NAH - just figure it out."- rialtolido
It shouldn't come as a surprise to any new parent that an overall lack of sleep is guaranteed for a while.
That being said, few, if any, new parents are fully prepared for just how much sleep they will likely lose.
Something that can be a particularly rude awakening for inherently light sleepers.
Sadly, a solution that will please everyone in this situation might be hard to come by.
Hopefully, the OP and her husband can at least find a solution that will please everyone a little bit more.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp